Twisted Stitches

I finally broke down and called Arlene today. I have to do something about this anger that has been eating me up for the last three years and this seemed as good a place to start as any. I was able, finally, for the first time to get a lot of my feelings out once and for all. I told her how hurt I have been over feeling like I was kicked out of the family after Bud died. I told her how upset I have been because she was never there for me. She told me that a lot of what I have been feeling has been my own imagination...that it really wasn't that way. Then I reminded her how when Nark turned on me she seemed to follow suit. She said that she and Mark had many cross words over that, but I didn't know it. She realized that I had a point. Then I brought up the remark she made about when was she going to get the money because she needed a stove. I asked her if she knew what that did to me. She agreed that it was a horrible remark and that she was wrong. She also agreed that I have got to let all of this go, for my sake, not for anyone elses. She said that she feels bad that things are so hard for me. She said that she wants to bring Braxton and I there for Christmas and I told her not to bother with it. She insisted and now I guess we will see what happens.
Bottom line is that I want my family back and I told her that her daddy would be ashamed of each one of us. She said probably and I told her there was no probably about it, I am positive that he would be. I know what he wanted for Braxton and I and this is not it. I also let her know how unhappy I am. She seemed bothered by that. Who knows? I asked her if her mother had told her that I had called her and she said yes she did and was wondering what I was going to do. I told her I was going to do the only thing that I could do, stay here where I have a roof over my head. No one wants me, I made that clear to her. She said she did just couldn't take care of me. I don't want anyone taking care of me, but I would like to know that I am a part of a family and I would love to be near my family.
One day soon, I am going to have to make some decisions about my life. Decisions that are best for me and not what is best for somebody else. I care so much about what happens to Nancy, but I have to come first with me for once. I have to start thinking that way.
I wonder....how does one go about doing that?
At least I did make a step in the right direction as far as letting go of some of this anger. Lord, please lead me on to the next step.

Today's Thoughts

I'm hanging out on that "emotional roller coaster" once again. I don't know why it is I seem to like it here. And it's not that I really like it here, either. It's just that it seems like every time I turn around I find myself on the damn thing again. I just can't figure out why I can't seem to be content. That's what it is, too. I can't seem to find contentment. I'm fine for a little while but then I get the restless feeling. I start to miss my kids so badly. I don't feel like i am a part of anything. I have Nancy, yes. But she's all I have. Nancy has me. Nancy has her sisters. Nancy has her friends. I have Nancy. I have no one else. I guess in a nutshell I am jealous. Yeah, you could say that. When I get lonely, I have Nancy to talk to....if she happens to be awake. If not, then i am on my own. Oh well. That's just the way it is. Oh, she would tell me to wake her up. But for what? To sit and baby sit me? She would start to resent me after a while if I did that. I can't help thinking that she must get awfully tired of being my only entertainment. But she is. I am just so lonely if I tell the honest truth. And I want to get involved in something, but I am half afraid too. What if I do get involved in something and I find that I like it? Or what if I meet some friends and they take me away from here more? What if I find a life? I think I am afraid of that happening. As lonely as I am and as much as I want a life, I am afraid of it. That makes mo senes, does it?
Right now, this very minute, I am angry with Nancy for being in the bed all afternoon and night. I had a therapy appt. at 1:00 pm today. I left here at 12:30 and was back at about 2:15. When I got home she was in bed asleep. It is 10:30 pm now and she has not been awake yet. And there are MANY days that this happens too. And this has nothing to do with the fact that she is in pain. This is because she is drugging herself with valium because she does not want to be awake with me. Plain and simple. How else am I supposed to look at it? What else am I supposed to think? And why am I not supposed to be angry? When she wants to be awake, she can be. I know that when we go to the beach she is not going to sleep like that.
This beach thing is something else that has me bugged. I so do not want to go. We have to go to a dinner show thingy and I can't eat with my teeth in and so going out to eat in the LAST thing I want to be doing, especially with her entire family, but I am being forced into doing this. I am so not wanting to spend these three days with this whole family. Carolyn just makes me too uincomfortable. And she knows it, too. She says things that just get to me and she knows that , too. It's just little things, things that can be taken so innocently, yet I know she knows what she is doing. Small remarks just to let me know my place. Like tonight when she called to find out about Billy. Instead of asking if Nancy had heard any more about billy, she says, "I just wanted to know if Nancy had heard any more about our cousin." Just to let me know that I am not part of the family. She says things liek that all the time. Things that point out that I don't fit in. I already feel like enough of an outsider, I know my place! I don't need Carolyn to remind me that I am not one of them. And every time she calls and I answer the phone she never misses a chance to let me know. She makes some family reference each time. I just don't know if I can take three days in the same house with her. I guess I have to be honest and admit that I just don't like her any more than she likes me. And she has made it obvious that she does not like me. Nancy just cannot see it. I want to like her. I want her to like me. But she won't give me a chance. I have too many other problems, tho...I don't need to be worrying about this one right now. I still have two weeks before the beach.
I have no motovation. But then, that's been my complaint for months now. I don't know what the hell os the matter with me on that front. Menopause? Hormones? Overwhelmed because my house is alreadyu so dirty that I can't get to it? It's pretty bad, I'll tell ya. I started yet ANOTHER blog, called http://dirtyhouse.com just to vent my feelings about my filth. I was hoping that by writing about it I could shame myself into cleaning it. It's helping some. Just not the way I would like for it too. I'm homesick for my kids, but when I think about moving back to N.O. I know that I can't handle that. The thought of living back there makes me nervous. I know that there is no way that I could live that close to Faye and Barbara. That's pitiful, too. Because those two are the reasons that I can't live near my kids. That makes me angry, too. Doesn't matter, tho. Angry or not, I can't do any thing about it. I damn sure can't change it. Those two are going to make me miserable if I were to go back there. So....
Well, Nancy is up now, so I am going ot stop here.
See you again soon.
Bye!

Today

It's November 5th; Bud's birthday. Yeah, I thought about him a good bit today. I knew I would, I always do on his birthday. He would have been 66 today, or would he have been 67? Gee, you know I can't remember off the top if my head. Weird, I thought I would remember always. I guess not. I wonder what that means. I wonder if it means anything. Maybe it just means that I am getting old and can't remember anything anymore. Kristi called me today and I know that she was calling to see how I was and if I was thinking about hima nd crying over him, but neither of us mentioned him. As soon as she was sure that I was OK, she had to go. I didn;t want her to think that I was thinking about him, so I let on that I hadn't thought about him. I'll call her during the week and let her know that it was sweet of her to worry about me. She's a good daughter. Both my girls are.
I worry about how Kelle is doing. I don;t hear from hermuch and i miss her so much. I miss not hearing from her. And when I do she doesn;t talk to me anymore. I guess that's because she has Kristi. It is so hard being away from them! I hate it. Some days I wonder what I am doing wandering around in this big old world all alone. Now if Nancy read this she would get her feelings hurt and I don;t want to hurt her, and I don't mean that I am alone even with her. She has nothing to do with it, really. Oh, I don;t know. Forget it. I can't explain it. It doesn't make sense to me so I can't make it make sense to you. So forget it. I have other hurdles to jump at the moment.
Help me to get thru them, Lord. Help me to hang on.
And happy Birthday, Bud. I thought about you. I still miss you terrible. Yeah, it still hurts when I think about it. I still wish you were here and I still love you with all my heart. I just can't help it. I want to let you go, but I just can't. That's just the way it is right now. I really do wish you would leave me alone, tho.
Good night.

As My Journey Continues

I tried to post this on my AOL Hometown Journal "Inside Myself" and not surprisingly, once again, it would not take the post. I just don't get it with that blog. No doubt, when I return to it in several weeks the post will be there, safe and sound, but it's a chance I am not willing to take. So, I am going to paste it here, just in case.
Here it is:

It seems to me that as I enter this second half of the century of my life, my growth and change happens so much faster than it did all during the entire fifty years of the first half of this century of my life. To me, it seems as if everyday brings a new change or some new personal growth in my life. I would almost put myslef into that "baby" catagory where I could say about myself, "Oh, she is growing by leaps and bounds!" Because each new day I am growing more and more.

I think that a lot of that is because I am seeing Pat about my problems and confronting head on the things that are bothering me in my life...the things that I am either having trouble dealing with or not dealing with at all. It's high time I did deal with these things. Last week, just before I left her office she told me that this week we were going to talk about how I feel about the fact that my mother had to know that my daddy was raping Barbara for 7 years of her life. The answer to the question, "How do I feel about ti?" almost needs no answer...I mean it's pretty obvious, isn't it? I am replused by it. I am sickened by it. I am so disapointed in the fact that the woman that I have looked up to and loved so much my entire life has let me down in such a way that I will end up questioning so many things in my whole life from now on. It makes me mad as hell, plain and simple, is the answer to how I feel about it!

But I will work past that...that's the name of my game with Pat. And I'm winning that game and could not be happier about it, naturally. When I began working with Pat, Nancy asked me what she could do and I told her that the best thing she could do to be supportive was to make sure that I did not miss one of the appointments that I had scheduled. So far she has been keeping up her end of that batgain because I have not missed even one session with Pat. For that, I am so grateful to my Nancy. But then Nancy is so good to me...so much better than I probably deserve.

Each day is a new journey for me and each day I am working hard to make it all the way through to the end of it. I am dping it quite well, so far. Lord, please, help me to continue this faith walk I have going on each day. Give me the strength, Jesus to endure it and most of all,...

God, grant me the Serenity,
To accept the things I cannot Change,
The Courage to Change the Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
~Amen~

Haunting Memories

I don’t really want to write about this, but I know that I have to if I ever have any hope of getting past this. The “this” that I am talking about is so hard for me to say, but I am finally going to put it into words, for the first time. When I was a very young child, probably six years old, I remember being asleep in my bed and waking up and seeing my daddy’s face above me. He was either trying to or he had already had his penis inside of me--he was raping me. My father molested me when I was a child. I cannot remember if it happened only once or if it happened more than once. I only remember that one episode so maybe it did only happen that once. Maybe my reaction made him feel so awful that he just couldn’t do it to me again. I don’t know. Pat says that she highly doubts that it was only once that he violated me, because that’s just not the MO of a child molester. But I keep trying to remember and I just can’t. I only remember that one incident. But I know it did happen that one time. I am as sure of that as I am my name. I remember it like it was yesterday. It is that clear in my mind. I can even remember how badly it hurt. I remember him telling me to just wait a minute and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. But the pain never stopped.

I never could figure out why, the whole time I was growing up, I hated him so much. I used to think that it was because I remembered the fights he and Mama had when I was so young. But that wasn’t it. I know that now. Now I know why I always hated him so badly. Now I know why I used to wish he were dead. Now I know so much.

I want to get over the bouts of nervousness that I have when I am sometimes alone. It seems to happen when I am not thinking about “it.” Usually, when I am very busy I’ll start to feel like I am not inside if my body and I am looking down on myself. I’ll start to move very fast at whatever I am doing and I feel very shaky and nervous. My movements get faster and faster and no matter how much I talk to myself and tell myself that I am OK and that everything is alright, nothing seems to work. I end up having to go and wake Nancy up and get her to just hold me. Then I begin to calm down and soon I am alright again. I want those episodes to stop.

I wish this had never happened to me. I am so sorry that this happened to me. It is just something else that has screwed up my life. It is one more reason that I am the fucked up person that I have turned out to be. It’s no wonder that I have made so many bad choices in my life. It’s no wonder that so much has turned out so badly for me in my life. Look at all that has happened to me and happened in my life. Pat says I am a survivor. Yes, I guess I am a survivor, I have survived a lot. I remind myself of one of those old Timex watch commercials, “Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’” Yep. That would be me. I have taken so many beatings but still, I keep going. I mean, I saw my daddy hang himself, for God’s sake, had to beg my drunk mother to cut his sorry ass down, so he could beat her ass some more, no doubt, and still, I am here. Still I have some of my sanity. Well, that could be a matter of opinion, too. Maybe I’m as batty as a friggin’ loon, too. Who the hell knows, at this point? I sure don’t. Some days I think I am sane and then other days I know I am nutty as a fruit cake.

How can a person be molested as a child and then not know anything about it until she is 50 damn years old? How did I suppress this information for all those years? I have only been positive that this happened to me for the past several months and then I denied it for as long as I could before I finally nearly lost my mind and had to tell someone. So I went to Nancy with it. Like I do everything else. I am convinced that I would die without Nancy. Sometimes she can even make the nightmares stop. The nightmares are the worst part, you know. So many nights I sit up because I am so afraid to go to sleep because I know that he is going to invade my dreams. He has done it so many times. I now think he was the bear chasing me in those nightmares that I used to have as a child. I would be running and running as fast as I could away from this huge bear and I was always in our house. The chase would always end in the bathroom. I would wake up just before he caught me…every time. The reason I now think that it was him is because the dream always took place in whatever house we happened to be living in when I had the dream. He was always there.

Oh, how I hate him for what he has done to me. He’s been dead since 1989 and I really do hope that he is burning in hell.

Let's Make Judges Be Held Accountable

I'm sitting here watching Oprah's show today and like her, I am also mad as hell over what this country accepts when it comes to NOT protecting our children. Oprah says that we have to change the laws and demand that if a man is caught molesting a child the FIRST time then he needs to be sentenced to life in prison. We all know that this never happens and all too soon these sick perverts are let out to roam the streets and do it over and over again. She's told of men who have rap sheets miles long and of children who have been killed by men who have
been convicted over and over again. She asks the question, "Why are they not in prison?" The answer is as simple as the solution to the problem. It's the JUDGES that sit on the benches who allow these guys out of prison and then, when they kill again and agin they defend themselves by saying, "I had no idea of the seriousness of the problem." But then that judge is not held accountable. I say that the judges who allow the child molesters out of prison, especially before they finish out their sentences, SHOULD be held accountable and they themselves should be sentences to jail for ACCESSORY TO MURDER! If we would demand that the judges that allow these men out of jail be held accountable, then I guarantee you that no more would be allowed out before they have served their entire sentences. No more would we have the problem of child rape and murder running rampant the way it is. And unless and until people stand up and MAKE our lawmakers and our judges be held accountable for their irresponsible actions, it will not stop. Laws will never be changed. As much as we tell our Senators and Representatives to vote the way we tell them too, once they get to Washington, they do what they want. They vote whichever way their party wants them to vote. America has no say anymore. But if we will DEMAND that ALL people, no matter who they are, be held accountable, then and only then will we see change in this country and then our children will be protected.

Reprinted from "Read Reka's View"

Morality Issue?

This news article caught my eye earlier today and started me to thinking about morality. I understand that Christian schools have a right to make their own rules. I even agree with them; most of them. My kid attends a Christian school for a lot of those morality issues. But where do we draw the line? And do the lines need to be drawn?

I have to admit that this one has me a little bit confussed. On one hand there is a non-traditional family, but a family, none the less, who cares enough about their kids to pay for their education at a Christian school. This tells me that this family makes enough money to be able to afford the high cost of this education. This couple has been together for more than 22 years, according to the article, so that tells me that they are "stable people." I am assuming that their children are relatively well-adjusted because I am nearly positive that if there were anything in these kid's backgrounds that the news media could dig up as negative, they would have done so. The same is true of the parents. Therefore, everyone must be a law-abiding, tax paying citizen or else, I am sure, it would have been reported. We all know how the news media loves to report on the negative, especially that of the gay community. On the other hand, we have a school, who, from everything I can tell, has no prior problems with this family or the children. Some teacher or administrator simply overheard one of the kids talking at a school function and realized that her parents were gay, so she was kicked out of school because it is apparently against school policy that a student have a gay parent. To me, this sounds as if this particular school believes that children of gay parents are not worthy of a Christian education. Isn't this school passing judgement on this child? Aren't they passing judgement on what this family is deserving of? And isn't it God's job to judge? As I said, this one has me bumfuzzled.

I am fully aware that the school is within it's right's legally. However, I am thinking that kicking a child out of school for this reason, has got to be against the law, Right? At any rate it has got to be unconstitutional.  And in their judgement ANYONE knows that they are doing God's job...the judging. God judges not a school or any other institution. This is just WRONG on so many levels that it breaks my heart. And I am getting tired of asking, "What is this world coming to?" From my point of view, itss already come to judgemental people, terrorists, immorality, a place where bullying is alive and well, hatred, and a host of other things that, in my mind, constitutions making this world and evil place. This is just NOT right.

Even The Everready Bunny Gets Tired, Sometimes

I think that every now and then every one of us goes through a time during our lives when we are feeling like whatever we touch, or try and accomplish, we end up getting the finger. I know that there are times that I feel that way. I always try as hard as I can to do the best that I can with what I have got. I'll admit that what I've got ain't much, but I make the best of it. I'm human, so yes, I have been known to complain and I have also had myself a pity party or two; but never at any time, have I ever just sat back and allowed somebody else to take care of my responsibilities for me. I have handled every one of those myself. There has even been times when I have handled someone else's responsibilities

Remembering 9/11

I know that most everyone in our country today is thinking about that terrible morning four years ago when those airplanes crashed into the world trade centers and then into the Pentagon and then into that field in Pennsylvania...and we learned that it was a terriost attack, in our own country, with our own planes. How could such horror happen in our country, right under our noses? Then we began to learn how this terror happened. We learned that the government had been warned, but ignored the warnings. We heard of FBI ineptness. We were told that Saddam was behind the attacks. We were told that he was hiding weapons in his country. So we investigated. No weapons of mass destruction were ever found. But still, our government insisted he was hiding them and he must attack. So finally, we did just that. And after several years and countless loss of life, there are still no weapons. We have been lied to. We have invaded a country that quite probably never did attack us in the first place, seeing as all the terriosts were of Saudi Arabian nationality, not Iraqui. But it's the Saudi's that are the friends of our President's. Those are the people he flew out of their country before the attack on Iraq to protect them. And now gas prices are at an all time high; those same friends that our President has protected are making millions and millions of dollars selling oil to this country. And our President is still protecting them. And this morning, on the anniversary of the attacks on our country, while the relatives of the victims of the people who's lives were lost in the Trade Centers and in the Pentagon and in that field in Pennsylvania are honoring their husbands, their wives, their sisters, their brothers, and their children, Bin Laden has sent us yet another threat to terrorize our country...and our President continues to lie to us.

Our dead deserve a better legacy than this. Our children deserve a brighter future than this.

Taking Advice

Ya' know, you have to be careful when you take advice from another person. I didn't always know that and if someone told me to do something, didn't matter who it was or what they told me to do, I would do it. For nearly 50 years I've just sat around and waited for somebody to tell me what to do. I've been the best little order taker in the whole world. I've always figured that if I did that and things screwed up then it wouldn;t be my fault. I always had somebody to blame. Not bad in theory, right? But you see, you have to follow your own heart, not somebody elses. You have to dowhat YOU think is right for you. Even if it turns out to be the wrong thing in the end, that's ok. It's not the end of the world. If it's a mistake, it's YOUR mistake...not somebody else's. Who care's who gets the blame? You just get up, dust yourself off and go again. I told 2 people recently that I am like that damn energizer bunny, I just keep going and going and going. They both agreed that was a good thing too. Sometimes, I don't think that it is, but most of the time I agree with them. It's just lately that I've been having a huge pity party. I've been told that I deserve it. Maybe I do. And if so, I just might party for a little while longer, too.

But back to the advice thing. I DID take some advice tonight. Just a few minutes ago, in fact and I feel so good about it. Nothing will probably come of it and that's ok; but right now I feel so good about what I did, it's worth nothing coming from it and hey, who knows? For once I just might get my pound of flesh instead of me always being the toilet for a change. I know revenge is wrong and it's not my job to get back at anyone or get even or any of that stuff. I know that I am supposed to take the high road and turn the other cheek and let people get their justice on judgement day and all that religious stuff. I really do believe in all of that sentiment. But I also cannot help wanting to cause a whole lot of embarassment and trouble for those jerks at West Lee Middle School for knowing the my kid was being bullied and harrassed the entire year and not doing a damn thing about it, too. Sorry, but I'm human and I have this side to me that likes to actually SEE justice done every now and then. People get away with way too much in thes world and hide behind way too much CRAP and I am sick of it. And when someone hurts my kid, I kinda tend to take it personally and it quite literally PISSES ME OFF. So, if I can do anything at all about it, I usually will.

Somewhere, either in this blog or on another one I have vented about the entire mess with West Lee. Last night while I was talking to Rebecca, she suggested I contact the ACLU. I figured I didn't have a case at all because all of it was my word against theirs. Well, tonight I was talking to Braxton and got the biggest gift. Turns out that when the boys locker room thing happened, the PE teacher, Mr Williams, broke up the fight and sent the boys to Mr.s Fraizer's office. The very SAME Mr. Fraizer who told me on Friday, August 5, 2005 that he had never seen my kid in his office for a discipline problem the whole year and he knew nothing about the fight in the locker room when all the boys surrounded Braxton. I was so happy! I sat myself down right away and dropped a letter to the NC chapter of the ACLU. And if that doesn't turn up anything, I just might drop an e-mail to The Sanford Herald and WRAL. Yeah, I just might. But first I am going to give the ACLU a week or so.
Nancy did call Fraizer back on Monday after he refused to see me and tell him he hadn't heard the last of this. So I am going to pray, just a little that this nice lady emails me back and tells me to call her or asks for my phone number or at least the details. I would love to see a look of terror come across Paige Murphy's face if he were to read a letter or better yet, get a visit from the ACLU.

Yeah, just once, I'd like NOT to be the toilet, ya know what I mean?

Inside Myself

I'm more depressed today than I probably ever have been in my life, except for the day that Bud died, or when my Mama died. I've never felt so alone in my whole life and I don't know what I am going to do. What began as one of the best exeperiences of my life has turned into the worst mess I could have ever imagined and it has nothing at all to do with what most people would think it would...personalities. Nancy and I could not be more compateable than if we were poured from the same mold. Our diffrences compliment our likenesses. Everything woorks in sympatico. Our finances could be a bit better, but wh'o's couldn't? We have some small, everyday logistic issues, but worked at, we could end up having a very nice life together.

There is Braxton who has to go to school every day and be out in the world, not to mention at other times, living with two crippled women who can't do a whole lot for themselves. But, make no mistake about it, he is my life. Since Bud died it's been he and I against the world and I swore to him that I would never leave him. Just this summer without him has quietly torn my heart out, but I've heard in his voice how he has grown. And Kristi tells me how he has come out of his shell and is talking to people and holding conversations. That was so unliks hime here. It's because he doesn't have to put up with the name calling there that he has had to defend me and himself against while living and going to school here. People are prejudiced and they make no secrets about it. It breaks my heart and tears me up. You even hear it in your local churches.

One public school has already turned Braxton down for acceptance because of the suspensions he got while going to school here because he was not protected against the bigotry and bullying. My daughter is now trying to put him in a Catholic school if they will give us financial assistance. I will have to mail her his Social Security check, so while I am here, I will be living on $484.00 a month. If this school refuses to accept him, we will have no choice but to bring him back here and put him n another school, doing what West Lee told us to do in NO and that is lie. Because of bigotry and bullying.

It breaks my heart to have to leave here, especially not knowing where I will go and how I am going to make it. Braxton and I both have found family here and I wish more than anything that we were not being forced to leave it.

I feel that at this point, I could get over my homesickness. Since I began talking about this move with them, I've seen a side of them, that I had forgotten. It's going to be awfully hard living on my own, when my family does not want me living with them, as I was under the mistaken impression of, than I once thought it was going to be. And Mississippi might be a place to consider. I could kick myself for ever coming up with the idea of living with Barbara in Ms. but we know I've had worse ideas.

I guess things are just really getting me down bad today, so writing was probably the best idea. It hasn't answered any of my questions about what the hell I am going to do. A woman in Nancy and I met online offered to let Nancy and I both come live with her outside of Nashville. But she's counting on my kid staying in NO, I think. Says I can pay her 300 a month, have the Master Bedroom and bath, she got a hot tub you can use in the winter, big screen tv, all the amenties. WHole 9 yds. Sounds nice. This family of mine, that is not crazy about having me live with them, would have me committed. And how would it look for me to tell Nancy I'm homesick and then move to Nashville? Makes a lot of sense, right? Doesn't solve my problem with Braxton, either. I do NOT want to live without my child. However, if it's really better for him to be in NO without me, living in a family, whtch, let's face it, I cannot give him, I don't know. I'd at least have to be close. Like maybe an apartment nearby so I could at least SEE him. Not friggin Nashville.

I know I need to take the first couple of paragraphs of this post and put it in the church newsletter on the last week I am here. That oughta blow their socks off!

I feel better now, giys. Thanks for readin'....
See ya'
Jan

More From Our Double Talking Embarassment of a President

This jerk the American people have elected to a second term as President of the United States has gone and embarassed the country yet again by defending one of his crooked friends, reminding me of the Clinton administration with the exception that when the Clinton's got their hands dirty, they at least had the decency to admit it, after a fashion, whereas Mr. Bush will never admit that he made a mistake. But then I seriously doubt that this dictator thinks he makes mistakes.

My latest beef with the man is Raphael Palmero. Palmero curently is a baseball player for the Orioles and before that he played for the Texas Rangers, hence, Mr. Bush's love affair with him. A year and a half ago when Jose Conseco's book came out, naming Palmero, among others as a steroid user, Palmero said that Conseco was a liar and that he had NEVER used steriods and that Conseco was ruining his career. Palmero has since then been up for the Baseball Hall of Fame. Two months ago Palmero tested POSITIVE for steroid use. That's right, positive, meaning he had steroids in his massive body. His answer to that? He used steroids "by mistake." He actually expects intelligent people to believe that he used steroids by MISTAKE! And the best part of this is that one and a half years after our president made a strong speech against steroid use and said that there was NO excuse for steroid use among atheletes and that we MUST rid our sports of steroids at all costs, had the nerve to say that he believed Palmero's ludacrist story, that he used steroids by mistake.

Give me a break. To say that he used steroids by mistake is equvalent to saying that the dog ate his homework. It just does not fly. And for Mr. Bush to dignify that stupid comment and giving it credibility by saying that he believes him is in effect calling every American stupid, and it makes me sick.

George Bush is running this counrty like a high school clique and we, as intelligent, adult Americcan's MUST put a stop to it. And we have to fo it noe. We need more politicians who are not so afraid of him that they will go up against him and even over is head, if necessary over each and every decioion he makes or there will be more and more of his double standard dictatorship.

This is beginning to border on idiocy. How can he come out in public and say something as ridiculous as "I believe him"? How can anyone with half a brain believe that a grown man, supposedly with some intelligence take steroids by mistake?

What's next, Mr. Bush? Why not have the Air Force shoot down Santa Claus for violating the White House's air space?

Family Matters

Kelle and I have been talking a lot lately about she and Raymond getting married. I know this is something that has been coming and I have been thinking about my baby's wedding for so many years. This was always the one that I was going to do right. From the time she was a very little girl I had a vision of her in white lace, with her long blonde hair in curls framing her beautiful face. I saw her wearing a veil of lace that I made for her. She was going to walk down a long beautifully decorated asile on the arm of the only an she has ever known as a Daddy, and that would have been Bud, had he lived. I would have been sitting in the front pew of the church, waiting for Bud to give her away, while Kenny and Verna sat behind me (finally, where they belonged). I pictured Kristi as her Marton of Honor, while Charidy and Jessica stood in attendence. Braxton and Robbie would have also been in the wedding party, while Jilly and Emily were flower girls. The reception would have been a great party with Kelle sharing the first dance with her father with Bud and then giving a few minutes toward the end of the song to Kenny. Bud and I would have helped to send the kids on a grand honeymoon and after they returned, they would have settled into married life as happy as any two people could have possibly been.

It will not happen anything like that now. She told me on the phone just this past week that they want to go to Las Vegas to get married and wondered if I would have a large fit. Naturally, my first reaction was to have tha rather large fit, but thankfully, I did think before I opened my mouth and had the good sense to tell her that this was HER wedding, not mine and that it should be done the way she wanted it done. If she wanted to go to Vegas then I felt that's what she should do. And even though it killed me to say that, I think I understand her reasons for feeling the way that she does. Remember, this is all MY opinion....nothing more. But I have arrived at this opinion by listening to her for years and also knowing how she feels about her sperm donor. And yes, to her that is what Kenny is. She says he is too busy with his "real family."

I believe that Kelle wants to have her wedding in Vegas away from family to get out of the family hassle. She does not want Kenny to walk her down any asile and definitly does not think he deserves the right to be giving her away. She also knows how I feel about sharing the front row with Verna and she has managed to push her way onto that space at each one of my child's weddings. Kristi's was the worst when Kristi GAVE Verna my seat. After 8 years I am still not over that hurt. Kelle has never felt that Kenny has ever had time for her, and she does not feel like she is his real daughter. It is easier for her to ignore all the problems and just run away and do it. I think she will tell him after it's done.

I tried telling Kristi this but naturally Kristi does not want to talk about anything unpleasent concerning her father with me, although I feel like that with her father, the rules are different. I saw that because all ofer her house she has pictures of Kenny and Verna, Kenny and the kids, Verna and the kids, but none of Bud and I, or the kids and I or even Bud and the kids. But when I started to tell Kristi why Kelle didn't want to have a family wedding she asked that we change the subject. I can't help but wonder how many times she tells Kenny or Verna to change the subject. And I also worry about me and why I can't seem to get over this. How long am I going to hang on to this hurt? Although for me, it really does not matter, what matters most is my child and how she feels. I know she is so hurt because she's lost her Dad. Losing Bud has been so hard on both Kellle and Braxton, not to mention me. But somehiw, by hanging on to oneanother and by the grace of God, we are going to be just fine. I am as sure o this as I am of the fact that God exists.

U.S. 'Thumbs Its Nose' at Rights, Amnesty Says - New York Times

U.S. 'Thumbs Its Nose' at Rights, Amnesty Says - New York Times

Ya' know, when things like this are written in The New York Times, it's time to sit up and take notice. Whether this entire artice is true or not, is not the point. What IS the point, however, is that we all know that part of it IS true. Part of it, at least, IS factual; and one thing is for sure, NONE of it is what this country stands for.

The White House might "dismiss the accusations as ridiculous and unfounded" all they want, but the truth is that the people that are dismissing them have not BEEN to the prisons and have NOT seen what is going on. They have no way of knowing what they are talking about. Which, by the way, is, I believe, the proper M.O. for a government official. As long as you don;t know what you are talking about but can sound convincing enough saying anything to the contrary, you are preceeved as being "in the know." That's what is so great about this country; it has the greatest politicians money can buy. Isn't that what used to be said about La. politicians? Well, the rest of the country took a lesson from the good ole boys down in da bayou. They went and got themselves bought as well, it looks like to me.

This story is sickening, mostly because we all know it's true. We ALL know that no matter what this country does to show the public how compassionate we are, as long as this administration is in Washington, we are nothing more than a country full of Saddam Huessians. Simply because we are not going into private homes and yanking citizens out and beating them in the streets.....yet, means nothing. Only that they haven't figured out how to get away with it yet. But let this lunatic stay in office much longer and he'll figure it out. He's already figured out how to censor the news in his favor. However, it's gotten him NOWHERE. The rest of the world has known for a long time what he is and his own country, who should have been the first to know, is slowly catching on. I am so ashamed of myself for ever being a supporter of this hate monger in the start. But, he pulled the wool over my eyes with his talk of "family values" and "morals" HA! What a joke he is!

I only pray that the Democrats can produce a viable candidate for President and quit pushing that idiot woman...or should I say thieving woman and find a REAL candidate so that we can FINALLY have someone on the White House who DESERVES to be there. Let's face it, Hillary has already taken everything she wants from there and the thngs she had to give back, that she stole when she left, are going to be nailed down if she's ever allowed back in. No, I'm talking a REAL candidate. Someone who is willing to stand up for the little guy and not line their own pockets and not make the American People look like idiots by telling them that God has talked to them. If God told George that He wanted him to be president, then He told me that He wanted me to be First Lady, so how come I am not living it up in the White House?? I guess God only speaks to the really moral folks, huh? LOL Right...and I'm a chineese midwife too, folks.

Just read the article, then feel your embarrassment. We are the laughing stock of the world and we know why, too. Will somebody clue George in? PLEASE.

Finally, Something Smart Said in Legislature Session

Creators.com - Creators Syndicate

I just read this column by Molly Ivins, found at the above web-site. It was posted in the comments section at Rosie's blog. The Texas representative, Senfronia Thompson, from Houston is apparently one very smart woman. She is evidently interested in GOVERNMENT, something the Texas legislature is obviously NOT, according to the post in question. To put it bluntly; the crap that the Texas Legislature is wasting their time on is sinful and there should be a LAW PASSED on this kind of time wasting garbage. I cannot believe the things this government has done in the name of morals and so called family values. It makes me sick. The next 3 and one half years cannot pass quickly enough for me so that this pitiful excuse for a "moral family man" gets his high and mighty ass out of the White House! George Bush is a joke and is making a mockery out of "family values." I am sick and tired of him walking around thinking he is so much better than everybody else and passing judgement on others and then having the unmittigated gall to tell the American public that he reads the Bible!? He might read it but reading and understanding are two entirely different things!

I pray that someone has the good sense to make damn sure he sees Ms. Thompson's comments and also that someone has the good sense to PUBLICALLY applaud this woman for her efforts. The idiots in the Texas legislature paid her no attention because they passed their hate-ridden bill. How dispicable! So they are proud of themselves for destroying homes, breaking up families and tearing apart peoples lives, all in the name of "family values." Whoopee for them. I hope some of their own familes are caught up in the cross fire one day so that they can know how it feels to be hurt by their own legislation. One day all of this will come back and bite each one of them in the ass.

And George actually thinks he is doing God's work. Who told him that God needed help is what I would like to know? And we, as American people with brains in our heads, elected a man who said publically that God spoke to him? If it were anyone else we would have put him in the funny farm! I think old George is still hitting the sauce and had a vision one night where he got Satan confussed with the Lord.

Read this post, folks, then tell me if we are not in serious trouble as a nation with this lunatic in office. At one time I thought he was the lesser of the two evils. Oh how wrong and stupid I was. The other evil would have at least let me live in my own home and drive my own car! This greed factory thinks my less then $1000 a month is TOO much money to raise a kid on!! But he's going to fix that, he's going to take away paert of my disability pay. The medical profession is allowed to cripple me and the government is allowed to force me to live in poverty. What a country, huh? Oh yeah, what a country.

More of My Life With Arachnoiditis

One thing I can say about having this disease is that it has given me the opportunity to meet people that I would have not had the opportunity to otherwise meet. It has given me a new Mom that I dearly love, a companion to share my life with, and a whole group a friends around the world who offer me an endless supply of love and support daily. So, as hard as this disease is to endure, in a lot of ways, I have to be thankful for it, because otherwise I would not have met these wonderful people or had them become a part of my life.

I would also not have had the opportunity recently to go to Washingto, DC as a representative of our group, ARACH_FRIENDS, to attend the National Spinal Cord Association Summit on Spinal Cord Injury/Diseases, along with my living companion, Nancy. We were in Washington for 4 days and had the time of our lives. Our nations capitol is a place that I never dreamed that I would ever see and I am thrilled that I have had that opportunity. I am also extremely happy that we were able to speak out about this awful disease to all different kinds of people. We talked to doctors, professional people, people with SCI's, care takers, CEO's and other industry leaders. It was an awesome experience for both of us and I am so very proud of the work we accomplished. We may not have gotten the exposure for Arachnoiditis that we had hoped for, but we are definitly on our way, and that is more than we had hoped for.

So, to repeat myself from the beginning of this post, as hard as it is to live daily with this disease, I am thankful for it. It has afforded me many opportunities that I would not otherwise have had and for that I am truly blessed.

Bush's Hatred

I don't usually use this blog for bitching, but this is a great place to get my point across and I definitly have a point to get across.

Once again I am pissed off at our President, a man that I desperately wanted to see elected, only here lately for so many reasons, I have been wondering why. My latest gripe with our commander-in-chief is the fact that he is a terrible hypocrite and a promoter of hatred. I'll bet, right away there are people who don't agree with that and are wondering what I am talking about. I mean, Mr. Bush is always pushing family love and values and unity throughout America. Well, right there is where he is the hypocrite. This man, who is supposedly pushing family love and values is only interested in HIS kind of family. We are all aware that this country is made up of MANY different kinds of families, but if you are not of the TRADIDTONAL family, Mr. Bush does not consider you a first class citizen and does not consider you entitled to the rights and freedoms of the rest of America.

There are millions of non-traditional families in this country. Good, loving families who have a lot to offer children who have no family. Children who NEED a family. But our government has made it impossible for these non-traditional families to provide homes for these children. Homosexual copules are not allowed in many states to become Foster Parents. Mr. Bush apparently believes that NO parents are better than good, loving homosexual parents. Does he actually believe that homosexuality is contaigous? Did homosexuals get it from their parents? Somehow, I doubt that. Does he actually think that? Is he that stupid? Does he think that homosexual parents are going to push this lifestyle on children? Now, thats about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of, but something that a politicial is about silly enough to believe. I seriously doubt that ANY parent, hetrosexual or homosexual would choose a homosexual lifestyle for their children or their foster children, for that matter.

This country is in deep, deep trouble, when a man who is intelligent enough and trusted enough to be elected President of the United States of America, believes that a child is better off with no parents than she is with a good, loving, caring set of parents, who's sleeping habits just happen to be a little bit different than the mainstream. This is a person who is supposed to be leading this country and teaching all citizens, by his example, to accept all people, without prejudice. I am so ashamed of the horrible hypocrite we have elected to the highest office in the United States in America.

Children are our future and the last place that any of them belong is in some institution, especially when there are caring, loving people ready, willing and able to give them a home. How sad for us, how sad for George, but most of all, how sad for these poor children.

Asking For Arch Help

I went and registered at Rosie's site. Rosie is so cool. I love her. I left a post on her comments and did the unthinkable. I actually broke down and asked her if she would help with Promoting Arach Awareness. Well, I wasn't quite that specific even. I just asked if she would help. I told her that we needed her and that people respected her, which they do, and that they would listen to her, which they will.

Man, it would be so cool if I actually heard from Rosie, although I know I never will. But could you actually imagine how cool that would be?? Imagine, just imagine if Rosie actually DID call me one day, out of the blue and say some thing like, "Yeah, I looked at that web link you gave me and this disease is really awful and I want to help." I would be so blown aay I would probably be able to RUN!! I mean how awesome would that be?!? I've done some really weird things on a whim before but this is probably the weirdest. Not that it matters because I know for a fact that I will never ever hear from Rosie O'Donnell. But it was a nice fantasy for a few minutes! LOL

Yep, for a little while it was a really nice fantasy!

Trial starts for man accused of killing girl | ajc.com

Trial starts for man accused of killing girl | ajc.com

Another senseless killing by another no count, so-called "boyfriend" of another woman who has no more business with children than a homeless person has use for a Spa Membership. What is wrong with this generation of woman? What is wrong with this generation period when it's acceptable to kill our children? And now this poor excuse for a human being has the nerve to go into a court room and plead "not guilty" to capital murder for what he has done! Why? because as a child he was never made to take responsibility for his actions, so why take respinsibility for them now? "Well, he cried and he didn't mean to do it" And I am paraphrasing his attorney, who, by the way, should by ashamed of himself for defending this monster. Oh yeah, but he has a right to a defense. And where were this child's rights when he killed her? Wasn't she given the right AT BIRTH to be given a good, decent, SAFE life? Her parents...BOTH of them are responsible for giving this child those things and because they failed to protect her, they should also be held accountable.

This story does not mention the child's father. I wonder, is it because her mother does not even know who he is? Or does he not know who he is? There has to be some accountability there as well. Something MUST be done when a woman becomes pregnant out of wedlock. We cannot continue to allow these children to remain as possessions of these young women to be treated or mistreated in any manner they wish. It's time we protected our nations children.

I don't have the answers. I wish I did. But I can most definitly identify the problems; our country is running rampant with them. Too many of our children are being killed, raped, and maimed by sicko's such as this and "Registered Sexual Predators" are also still killing our kids. Until we all take a stand and LOUDLY and STRONGLY INSIST that our government take strong measures against these people, the maddness will never stop. It's way past time to stop this maddness. It's time we saved our kids. It's time our voives were heard.
LET'S STOP THE MADDNESS AND LETS DO IT NOW!

One Person Can Make A Difference

I watched Dr. Phil this morning as I often do on weekdays and while I'm happy that I saw the show it made me very angry. Angry to the point that something has to be done. Angry to the point that I've decided that it's my responsibility to do something about it. Angry to the point that I will do something about it.

Dr. Phil's show this morning was about bullies in middle school. This show hit a little bit too close to home. Bullies in middle school is exactly the problem we have been dealing with this year with Braxton. Bullies are the reason that Braxton has gotten in trouble this year and had fights. Bullies are the reason he has been picked on.

The school does nothing to stop it. The school does nothing but punish both the kid doing the bullying and the kid on the receiving end. This does not solve the problem, nor does it help the problem, it does not even delay the problem. All this does is get the problem documented. But whats the good of getting the problem documented if the bullying gets carried too far and the child being bullied finally cracks and does the unthinkable, like a child did on the show this morning and took her onw life? Did the school do anything? Absolutely not. They told the parents that kids will be kids! Even after knowing what this child was put through day after day.

From our own experiences with bullying and dealing with school I can say that I have no trouble believing what this poor woman on Dr. Phil's show said, because when I called my child's school about his being bullied, I got basically the same reaction. "Kids are just going to bully." Well, I have decided, after watching the show this morning, that that answer is no longer acceptable. And the next time, and I have no doubt that there WILL be a next time, I will NOT accept their solution. Their solution will be to punish both Braxton and the other kid, no matter who started it and no matter what Braxton did to defend himself. Well, that policy will no longer be acceptable with me. I have let him take the wrap for the other kids way too long, and it's not going to happen any more.

I'm going to Dr. Phil's web-site and I'm going to get his information on school policy's and the Bullying Pledge and the policy for schools. I'm going to insist that Braxton's school impliment this policy. I'm going to insist that they put everything they can into this campaign. If I have to beg Dr Phil and Jay to come here I'll do that too. But I'm not going to sit by quietly any more. Something is going to be done.

I think it is the responsibility of every parent who has a child in middle school, because thats where bullying runs rampant, to make it a personal mission to find out about bullying in your childs school. I challenge every parent of a middle schooler to insist that your childs school have a policy on bullying and to see that it's implimented and followed! It is up to us to protect our children. But it's a sad sad state of affairs when we find ourselves protecting them from one another. That's when you know you are living in a sick soceity.

Sometimes We Never Learn

I believe that every parent tries their best to do the best job that they can possibly do when it comes to parenting their children. But no matter how hard we all try, none of our children comes with a set of instructions and very often, even though we do our best, we make terrible mistakes. Those of us that have more than one child are well aware that no two children are alike. Even twins have very different personalities and what works for one child rarely works for another. Quite often you can have two children raised in the very same atmosphere who turn out to have completely different values and ideas by the time they reaach adulthood. There is an old saying that children always come back to the way they were raised and while we would like to believe that is always true, simply put, it's not. Sometimes they grow up and decide that they want no part of what you, as their parent, taught them. Sometimes they grow up and you don't even recognize them as the same child that you raised. As a parent, that's not always your fault. In my opinion, rarely, it that a parent's fault. Once your child reaches a certain age, or certain place in his life, your influence on his diminishes drastically. At some point in every child's life, usually in their teen years, you, the parent, begin to learn all about your lack of intelligence. Simply put, you leanr how stupid you are...your teenager tells you daily. But, most kids, as they get older realize the rebellions of their teen years and in their early adult years turn back into that person that you raised and when that hapens you realize that your job as a parent was a successful one. But sometimes, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try or how much you love that child, something happens and he or she just does not grow up and have the values that you tried so hard to instill into them. They have their own ideas as to how they want to live their life, they have their own ideas as to what is right and usually everyone is wrong, but them. This is heartbreaking to you, as a parent. But there is nothing that you can do about it. There is nothing that you can do to change it. When your child reaches a certain age, when they are no longer a child. you hve to learn first, to let go. Secondly, you must learn that you re not responsible for the adult that child has become and therefore he or she must stand on their own. Up until this point they have more than likey done everything in their power to hurt you; they have drained your heart, your bank account and your trust. They have told so many lies they can no longer recognize the truth and when confronted with it, it sounds to them, like pure figments of your own imagination.

Your priority now, has got to be preserving your own sanity. If you know in your own heart that you hve done everything that you could have possibly done for this child of yours to try and bring him or her back into the family fold, to be the responsible adult, to accept the resbonsibility for the wrong they have done, and nothing has worked, then you must protect yourself and any other children you have. You have got to put this child in God's hands and allow Him to deal with his life from this point on. Tough love is the only love that you've got left to give to him. Tough love is all thats left.

Speaking much more personally, now, that is what I have finally done. And I am much MUCH better off for it. After I walked the floors and cried for more nights than I want to remember, I finally got the courage to hand him over to the Lord. I said out loud to God that I had loved him with all my heart for the last nearly 28 years. I had done my job and I had done it to the best of my ability. Yes, I have made mistakes, but i have admitted each mistake I have ever made and taken the blame for some that I haven't...but you'll do that and more for your child. I told God that now it was His turn to love Him and care for him and to watch out for Him. The old saying is that god protects fools and drunks. I pray that includes drug addicts as well. I believe it does. And an addict is most definitly a fool. My poor child needs the Lord watching out for him desperately. God can help him so much better than I and I kno He has been dealing with him for a while now. Robbie knows it too. Maybe that is why he is fighting so hard to continue to rebel.

"Lord, I beg You to please stay with him and keep him safe within Your loving arms, in jesus name I pray. Amen"

My Two Cents Worth...

I guess since everyone else seems to have something to say on this Terri Schiavo situation (for lack of a better word) I'll put my two cents in, as well. But before I say one word, ket me state that this is my opinion and like everyone else, I am entitled to that opinion whether you agree with it or not. Anyone who reads this is more than welcome to comment, but let me remind you before you do; this is my playground, so please, keep your comments to a polite nature. Please remember that I am a person with feelings, just like you are. This is a hot button issue, folks, and everyone who has an opinion, feels strongly about that opinion. I understand that. You very well may not agree with me and that's fine, you have just as much right to your opinion and feelings about this subject as I do; but please respect my opinions just as much as you want me to respect yours. Remember that you are a guest here and I am unviting you to leave a comment...act accordingly in my home. Thank you and now, on with the show!

I'll begin my little tirade my saying that I am livid that congress has the aduasity to think that they have any right to stick their big fat noses into this in the first place! Just who in the hell do these people think that they are? Our parents, for God's sake? Just where does the government of this country get off at thinking that they have the right, for one minute, to insinuate themselves into a matter that is a private family matter? I maean, EXCUSE ME?!? I think that the last time I looked we ere still living in America, the land of the free, the place where we have our very own rights and freedoms; or am I mistaken and have we been wisked off in the middle of the night to some third world country where there is some who-doo leader thinking he has the right to tell everyone of us just when to come inout of the rain? Whether Terri's husband is right or wrong to remove her feeding tube, at this point is a moot point. The first order of business is that congress needs to be monding it's own damn business! Don't they have enough petty business to be conducting? They honestly do not need to be sticking their noses into something that first needs to be left to a family and secondly is WAY over their heads and out of their expertiese. Not a one of them is educated enough, sympathetic enough or informed enough to be making any decisions even close to this caliber. These bunch of idiots need to be sticking to doing what they do best....they need to keep working on passing legislation to build bird houses in gated communities (as I read recently they were doing someplace) or other such important issues such as that. You know, things in thier area of expertiese, just nothing too brain straining, certainly not anything as important as deciding someone's fate based on a moral issue for God's sake! What in God's name would a bunch of Senators and Congressmen know about morals and integrity in the first place? If any one can give me an intelligent answer to that question, I might change my views, but I seriously doubt anyone can find 10 moral legislators that even have integrity in the whole of Capitol Hill! I'll tell ya what...let's make it 5....I'll make it easy on you.

As for whether or not Terri's husband is wrong for wanting to end her life, I can only sympathize with this man. He has been through so much and my heart breaks for him. I believe with all my heart that his wife told him before she ever had that heart attack that she never did want to be kept alive by any artificial or heroic means, and I seriously doubt that she would want to live as she is today. Would you? Would anyone? I know that I wouldn't. The one thing I would love to have the opportunity to do would be to stand in front of Terri mother and look her in the ey while I asked her if she, herself would want to live if she were int he exact same state that Terri were in and had been like that for the past 15 years. I am willing to bet my life on her answer being, "No, I would not want to live like that." I believe with all my heart that Terri's mother loves her daughter and is wanting to keep her alive for her own selfish reasons. She knows her daughter is so out of it that and has no clue of what is going on around her that she is not suffering. If she were suffering, she would want a completely different outcome to this story, that's another thing I am willing to bet my life on. I've seen the same clips as everyone else, That poor woman sits there looking for all the world like a helpless little puppy while she is being teased and played with like she is some sort of baby there for her mother's enjoyment and pleasure. But what kind of life is this for Terri? What is Terri getting out of this besides being her mother's teddy bear? I am amazed that any mother would want to watch her daughter, day after day reduced to this, compared ot he vibrant, beautiful woman she was fifteen years ago.

It amazes me that this woman would want to spend all this time, energy and money fighting this, when she should just go to that nursing home, spend some quality time with her daughter and then kiss her goodbye and let her go and finally be with the Lord and at peace for once and for all. She was not put on this earth to be her mother's grown up baby doll, nor was she put here for the entire country to have a huge fight over. Yes, God did allow Terri's life to mean something and perhaps He is showing us now just exactly what He wanted all of us to learn from Terri's life. To me, I think God is wanting us all to understand that sometimes having mercy is the best thing we can have for a person and that it just might be time to re-visit euthanasia, if Congress is so insistant on becoming involved. And then again, I could be wrong about all of it; that is very possible. I am certainly not God and I don't have a clue as to what His motives are here. But one thing I am sure of and that's that legislating Terri's life is wrong and no matter how you look at it or how you word it, anytime the government gets involved in what should stay a private family matter it is wrong and as Americans, we just should not stand for it.

And that's my two cents worth.

I Wanna.....

I've been sitting here reading through Rosie's Blog. I'd like to write like that. To be able to spit out whatever comes into my mind, without stopping to think about how it will sound, or how others will take it. But for some reason I can't seem to just let myself go like that. I love writing. I love story telling. My dream one day is to be able to write a story, a long story, OK a book, that is actually intresting enough that someone might read. I only have about a million subjects running around in my head that I think will make good stories.

I want to leave something behind when I go from this world. Something worthwhile, something to make people remember me. I want to be remembered as a good person, someone who cared about others. I want my children to remember me as a good mother. I want my grandchildren to miss me. I want my grandchildren to know me, first. I wanto create special memories with each of them.

I want all the conflict in my life to go away. I want people to quit misunderstanding what I am saying to them. I want people to quit telling me how I should live my life...unless those people want to pay my bills, put a roof over my head and give me an unlimited amount of money to spend. Then, I think, they would have a right to tell me how to live my life. But there is no one to do that, yet there are still many people who think they know better than I do, how I should be living my life.

I want to go through the rest of my life not feeling the physical pain from this disease everyday. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want and how I want, not when, how, and what the disease will allow. I am tired of being a slave to arachnoiditis. I want good pain relief. I want my doctor's nurse to quit looking at me each month as if I am only there for another "fix." I want just a little respect for what I have to endure day anfter day after day after day.

I want contentment. Is that really asking too much in this life? What is left of this life? As my sister says, "I have already lived more years than I have left to live." I am nearly 51 years old. I have paid my dues. I have cried a river of tears, had a mountain of heartache and more hard times than I care to remember. Too many nights I went to bed hungry, too many nights I went to bed and was unable to sleep because of worry and fear of what tomorrow would bring. I want to go to bed and sleep a peaceful sleep. The kind of sleep I used to get when I was lying next to Bud and I knew that he would take care of me and everything else.

I want to know that someone values me. I want to know that someone respects me. I want to know that someone can't live without me. I want to be needed. I want my children to need me. I want my children to want me. I want my children to like me. I want a legacy.

I've been looking online for courses to take to better myself so that maybe I can find out what's wrong with me. Maybe I can learn why I have so much trouble feeling secure in my relationships with those I love. Maybe my insecurities right now come from having so much conflict lately. I've had more than one person cut me from their life. I know that one of those was my fault. I even asked for it. I even deserved it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever fix it. Sometimes I think I will and other times I am positive I won't. It comes from anger and my anger is something that I am working on diligently. I'll figure that out one day. I hope it's not too late when I do.

My Kelle called me tonight. She reminds me of myself sometimes. She has this need to fix things that are not right. She's decided she is going to "fix" this thing between her brother and I. She's going to make him see the light. She got angry when I told her that he is resenting that I "took in someone else's child." She got very angry. This someone else's child is still her brother and she resented that Robbie said that....or even felt that. And if he doesn't feel that way he should have never told Cindy he did. It was a horrible thing to tell someone else. Especially someone who is capeable of being so vicisous when you make her angry. She's a truly wonderful person....as long as things go exactly her way. She's never wrong, you know. I worry about people who are never ever wrong. But as I think back, in all the years I have known her not one time do I ever remember her saying that she made a mistake. It must be nice to be that perfect. It must be exhausting to be that perfect. I make mistakes and I am glad that I am woman enough to admit them. And I make them and admit them regularly. I'm good at making mistakes and even better at admitting them. Sometimes I ain't too bad at fixing them, either.

I have my soft places that I can fall. Not as many as I used to have, but thats ok. The ones I do have I cherish. I have my most favorite soft spot...the one I've had for more than 40 years. And she's still there. And I have Nancy, my newest soft place. Although she's not been there as much as I've needed. But then maybe I am just too needy. I'd ask her if we were ever in the same room awake for more than 10 minutes.

For now, I guess I am going to take my "wants" and put them and me to bed. It's getting late and I'm getting tired. I dont make a lot of sense when I get tired. And I have work to do tomorrow. The Best Friends Blog needs work and I have promised myself to work on it. And I am going to work on that post in Bits and Pieces as well.

Blog blog blog along. I love my blogs! Hell, I love everybody's blogs! This is my favorite one because this is where I can be me and who ever doesn't like it....oh well. I just may take the comment part out just because I don't want to hear if someone doesn;t like what i have to say. If you aren't liking what I have to say, take your comment and kindly, "stick it up your ass!"

"When They Are Little, They Step on Your Feet

....and when they grow up they step on your heart" My mother-in-law used to tell me that and no truer words were ever spoken. As parents we try the best we can to do the best job we can with our children. Very few parents ignore their children and let them just drag themselves up. I know some parents who let their own parents raise their kids and I know parents who, after their children are grown and don't turn out the way the parents want to think that they should, put the blame someplace else...even on their own parents saying that they were "brainwashed." But there are some of us who are actually willing, more than willing, to take responsibility for the way their kids have turned out and even wonder for years just where they went wrong. That's the situation I am finding myself in these days. Where did I go wrong with this one child of mine? This kid was raised just like the others were, was loved just as much as the others were, was given just as much as the others were and yet this kid wants to blame every bad break on the fact that childhood dealt dirty blows. This kid had a terrible mother, this kid was "thrown away," this kid was knocked around, this por kik this and this poor kid that. Truth is, this "poor kid" routine is just that, a "routine." This is no more a "poor kid" than any of my other kids and yet, the others have turned out just fine, have no problems with Mom, are not jealous of their siblings, not even the one who is constantly getting all Mom's attention, money, love and everything else because of the "poor kid" routine. And everyone that the "poor kid" comes in contact with has come down on Mom because the poor kid has fed them so many "poor mistreated kid" stories and they are all so convincing and so believable, that people who have known Mom for years and years have suddenly turned on her and now believe her to be a horrible person who has always hated this child of hers. She "threw him away for no reason at all." I couldn't understand throwing away a child in the first place, under any circumstances. But then today, there is a lot of things I don't understand.

I don't understand people who say they care about you lying to you and turning on you so quickly. I don't understand people who say they know you, misunderstanding something you have said and not telling you that they didn't understand what you said, but instead taking offence and getting angry and thinking it is their place to "teach you a lesson." No one has a right to teach another grown person a lesson. Parents are supposed to teach children lessons. People who call themselves friends have no right to be teaching you lessons. Those are not friends, those are simply people who believe they are better than you lording that fact over you. And some people are so dumb they just don't see it.

I have heard that with wisdom comes understanding. If that is true, then wise will be very enlightening.

Betraying Confidences

When we get so comfortable inside a friendship that we forget ourselves and let down all our defences and guards, we are, most times, only asking to be betrayed.

I thought I had lived long enough and been through enough and even been hurt enough that by now, I had gained some sort of wisdom where people in general were concerned. I was under the mistaken impression that I was able, by now, to be able to know those people that I was able to trust and those I was not. However, once again I opened myself up, poured my heart out to a "friend," someone I would have trusted with my life, and I was betrayed in the worst way. The saddest part of this story is that I deserved exactly what I got.

There is an old saying, "Live and learn," and I suppose that as long as we live, we are always learning. Learning is one of those good things in life and something we should always be willing to do although learning should not come with such a high price. In this particular case, learning quite possibly has cost me the ultimate price, one I was not willing to pay. Had I known that in the beginning, I would have never opened myself up in the beginning.

So, my lesson learned at nearly 51 years old is this: that no matter how well you know someone or how close you think you might be to that person, if there is something in your heart that you don't want repeated as common knowledge, keep it to yourself. No matter how much a person may promisse you that they will keep your confidence, the time will come that for one reason or another, what you say to another person will be repeated because it's just not possible for people to keep a secret. A secret is not a secret if it's told. There is no such thing as a confidence. People just are not capeable of keeping them. People, in general, have this need to tell what they know. Whether it be for self-importance or self-gratification, I don't know. But for whatever reason, if someone has priviledged information, they have this uncontrollable urge and they cannot help themselves, they just have to tell someone else.

Passions

I suppose all of us have at least one passion in our life. Reading has always been a passion of mine, but then writing has also been one of my passions, too. I've always thought that I was capeable of writing a book, always known I've had a story inside of me, but whenever I've sat down to write that story I've learned just how hard writing is. I understand why writers, or should I say "authors" make so much money from the sale of their books. Writing is grueling work! It's not easy to put something down on paper that makes sense, that other people will find intresting enough to read. Hell, it's not east to put something down on paper that makes sense, that I will find intresting enought to read!! Yes, writing is a passion and the hardest work I think I have ever attempted, and yet here I am trying my hand at it. The silliest part of this entire project is, as you can see, I don't have a subject to write about. I have covered and entire paragraph right here about absolutely nothing. Now, thats talent, if I do say so myself. Not, too bad, is it? What do you think? Do I still have your intrest? Have I lost you yet? I'll bet you are still hanging on only to see where I am going to take you, right? I know I'd better make up my mind fast about where this thing is going to go, or you are the one that's going to be gone. See, what I mean about this writing thisng being hard? yep, it's much harder than it looks.

I used to think writing was so easy. Just pick a topic and start writing away. Back when I was so sure that I was capeable of writing a book, I was going to write about my screwed up life and even screwer family, so I sat down and began with my birth. You can't tell a story in sequence like that in the first place. It's very boring and then you forget things. By the time I had gotten to my teenage years I realized that I had only covered about three paragraphs and had omitted probably seven or eight important years of my life. So, I had to go back and then I had things so confussed and messed up I had to start all over. By this time I was discouraged and so I quit. A few years later I decided again that I was going to write a book so again I sat down and began to write from the beginning and once again I made the very same mistakes. How dumb can one person be, I thought. I was doing the exact same thing again, writing in sequence again. Yet, I knew I had never in my life read a book that was written from the time a person was born until the time that person died. It's just not done that way. Most books that are written about a person's life begin in the middle of that person's life and then they flashback to the beginning and then jump back to the present, flashback again and so on. Gradually they continue on as the person ages and then the main character of the book dies and bam! You have a life story. At least that's the way it goes in most of the books I have read. But stupid me here has always wanted to begin at the beginning and end at the end. Books just aren't done that way. I don't know what I was trying to prove. Maybe that I didn't know the first thing about writing? That sounds completely logical to me.

Now that I know how NOT to write a book, I probably should not even attempt it. As I said, it's grueling work. Knowing me, I would forget so much that was important to the story and so much that I wanted to put into it. You can be sure that whaatever my main idea was I would omit it, or dance around it. I'd probably forget my most important characters. And descriptions get me, too. When I am reading a book the hardest parts for me to read are what I lovingly refer to as the "who hung the bathroom curtains" parts. Those are the descriptive parts that are so important to the background of the story but that I couldn't care less about. I don't like reading those parts and usually only just skim them; I can't hardly imagine me spending much time writing about them and yet to make any book intresting they have to be included. If I were going to describe a bright blue sky, that is exactly how I would describe it....a bright blue sky. I seriousy doubt if I would have the patience to describe it as a wonderful descriptive writer would describe that sky to where you would be able to picture it in your minds eye so perfectly as to be able to see the huge white clouds billowing in the breeze as they floated lazily towards the east while the sun made shadows dance on the ground from the sway of the trees on a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon in late May, where off in the distance you could hear the sounds of children laughing and birds singing...are you getting the idea, here? Like I said, writing is tough work and authors earn their money.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my other great passion is reading what others write. Ever since I can remember, I have been escaping this world through books. I would curl up in a corner someplace with a book and as far as I knew, I was invisible to those around me. People could call my name over and over again and I would not hear a thing. My mother used to have to come right up to me and shake me by the shoulder to bring me back from whatever place it was that I had gone off to via the book I happened to be reading at the time. I could have been as far away as another culture and century or I could have been as close as the next county, but my mind was never with what was going on in the present, in our home. If I had a book, I had escaped. This practice began with me when I was about eight years old and has continued my entire life. Reading has always been a priviledge for me. I have been blessed to be able to visit other countries, different cultures; I have learned about things I never knew existed because of the miracle of the written word. There have been times when I have thought that books and my ability to completely escape reality in them has quite literally saved my life. I have used reading as a tool for pleaseure, for learning, for relaxation, and for a complete vacation from everyday life. To stop reading, for me, would be equivalent to stopping breathing and to ever make me choose between the two would be so unfair; for me the two go hand in hand.

Arachnoiditis-My Companion

"Arachnoiditis" is a spinal disease that attacks the arachnoid layer of the spine and destroy it. It affects the nerve endings and causes them to basically grow together and this causes severe pain. There is no cure for this disease and the only thing that can be done for it is to treat the pain. There are not many doctors who are willing to treat only pain because with this disease, the best way to treat this pain is with opiads, or class ll narcotics. Doctors are worried about the FDA coming down on them, they are also worried about patients becoming addicted to pain meds and them sueing them, and so a lot of us with this disease are left to suffer. The worst part of it is in how this disease is contracted; the medical profession gives it to us through mylograms and through Epidural Steroid Injections and as long as these procedures are allowed, this disease will continue to spread with no known cure in sight and no treatment forthcoming from the very profession that breeds it.

I had my first mylogram in the early 1970's and the doctor who administered the test needed it to find out the extent of the rupture in my disc. Naturally, this test was not going to cause me any lasting problems. He was going to inject dye into my spine but that dye was going to be absorbed into my body and then I would pee and the dye would be gone. Here we are now in 2005 and if you look at an x-ray of my spine that very dye is still visable along with my destroyed spinal colunm. Years later, to ease pain in my hips and legs caused my this horrid disease another doctor, a pain management specialist, decided that what I needed were Epidural Steriod Injections because these would definitly numb the pain and would not hurt me one bit. Once again, I trusted a doctor and later learned that another main cause of Arachnoiditis is Epidural Steriod Injections.

These guys get you to sign a release that does not have this disease mentioned anywhere on the paper at all, because according to them, it does not exist; they like to call it "failed back syndrome" because to list this disease is to accept blame. The medical profession does not want to acknowledge it, however Social Security has acknowledged it as a disabling disease.

Arachnoiditis has been my companion since mid 1994 and it's been quite an experience learning to live with this crippling disease daily. There have been days when I have not been able to walk, there have been nights when I have not been able to sleep. I have lost count of the miles I have walked in my house during those nights when my legs have decided to jump with spasms so bad that laying down was impossible. I have had charlie horses in my feet so badly that my toes have curled under and I have cried out in pain. I have spent more time sitting in hot water, because wet heat is my friend, that my skin has turned to leather. I have had my 3 year-old ask me, "Mommy, does you legs hurt today?" knowing that my answer meant the difference between his being able to play outside or having to stay cooped up inside the house on a beautiful sunny day. At 50 years old, I walk with the speed of an 80 year old and some days much slower, stooped and leaning on a cane and I get out mostly just to visit the doctor for him to write my pain meds. In a sentence, it's a shitty existence and some days I know death would have to be a relief. This disease has been compared to the pain of cancer but without the sweet relief of death, because sadly, it does not kill; but it has driven some to suicide. There is no recourse because the maker of the mylogram dye is Kodak and no lawyer is willing to take them on in a court. And so, I wait, I sit and along with an estimated three million others in the United States alone who are living with this disease who go ignored and living in pain, try and cope daily just getting thru to another day to do the same thing all over again. Hobble from one room to another on our canes, some in wheel chairs, all hurting, spasming and crying, begging for pain meds for some small reprive from the pain we must live with 24 long hours a day from a disease we had no control over. A disease we contracted simply because we had the idiocy to trust the medical profession for giving to us. What a country we live in, huh?

Best Friends

I can imagine that pretty much all of us has friends or at the very least we have acquaintances . There are vast difference between the two, you know, but I am not going to sit here and explain those differences to you. I figure you should know what those differences are. What I am going to talk about, as you can tell by the title, is "Best Friends,"

Is a best friend defined by how well you know one another? Are they defined by how long you've known one another? Do you decide on their "Best Friend" status by how much the two of you have been through together? What exactly is the criteria for achieving this honor?

I have often wondered about this very thing, as I am a woman whom, I believe, is one of the extremely lucky ones in that I have more than one friend whom falls into several of the above catagories. Does this necessairly make them a "Best Friend?" And is the title of "Best Friend" such an impressive one and so coveted; do people vie for it to the point of feeling jealous if they aren't lifted to that status; that this otherwise perfectly wonderful person will feel less than adequite if they aren't told they are your "Best friend?" How terrifying to have that much power over someone that you love. I suppose we all have more power than we would like when it comes to our friends and most of the time, we don't even realize it. My friends are so important to me that I would rather die than hurt any of them and I would never knowingly, on purpose hurt any one of them for anything in the world. Each of them, in their own way is so special they deserve to have their very own tribute but the thought of that task scares the hell out of me. What if I were to write a tribute to them and they compared them and one was better than the other? What if I forgot and left out some very important fact about one of them? When I first sat down here with this idea of a "Friends Tribute" it was a pretty good idea, I thought. But the more I am thinking about it the more i am sure this idea stinks badly. To tribute all of them is a disaster in the making.....but to tell you about one, hmmmmmm which one do I pick? Do I pick the funniest? Should I pick the smartest? How about the one who is most thoughtful? How about if I tell you about the friend I have that I have known the longest? I don't even have to think about that one. I've known Cheryl ever since I was 9 years old. We've come a long way since 1963 and Mrs. Baron's 4th grade class and a lot has changed since then, too. But one thing has remained consistent; Cheryl and I have stayed "Best Friends." Oh, there were years that we lost track of one another and then we'd run into each other and our friendship would pick up right where it left off. During the past 42 years we have shared many many secrets, gone through many changes, we've fought like sisters and made up again. We've raised kids together and watched them marry and have kids of their own. Now, we are grandmothers together. The two of us have come nearly full circle. We used to always say that when we grew up we would share an apartment and grow old together. I think we should hurry.....we're almost old! She sent me a picture frame recently and on it were two old ladies and a saying I shall cherish for the rest of my days, "If we should live to 103, Best Friends we shall always be."

My thoughts exactly.

When I look back on years gone by

It seems you were always there

My earliest memory are those of you

And all that we did share...

....The years have faded into mist

Like ships that fade at sea

But I still hold you in my heart

In every memory.

I love you, Girlfriend....always