Twisted Stitches

I finally broke down and called Arlene today. I have to do something about this anger that has been eating me up for the last three years and this seemed as good a place to start as any. I was able, finally, for the first time to get a lot of my feelings out once and for all. I told her how hurt I have been over feeling like I was kicked out of the family after Bud died. I told her how upset I have been because she was never there for me. She told me that a lot of what I have been feeling has been my own imagination...that it really wasn't that way. Then I reminded her how when Nark turned on me she seemed to follow suit. She said that she and Mark had many cross words over that, but I didn't know it. She realized that I had a point. Then I brought up the remark she made about when was she going to get the money because she needed a stove. I asked her if she knew what that did to me. She agreed that it was a horrible remark and that she was wrong. She also agreed that I have got to let all of this go, for my sake, not for anyone elses. She said that she feels bad that things are so hard for me. She said that she wants to bring Braxton and I there for Christmas and I told her not to bother with it. She insisted and now I guess we will see what happens.
Bottom line is that I want my family back and I told her that her daddy would be ashamed of each one of us. She said probably and I told her there was no probably about it, I am positive that he would be. I know what he wanted for Braxton and I and this is not it. I also let her know how unhappy I am. She seemed bothered by that. Who knows? I asked her if her mother had told her that I had called her and she said yes she did and was wondering what I was going to do. I told her I was going to do the only thing that I could do, stay here where I have a roof over my head. No one wants me, I made that clear to her. She said she did just couldn't take care of me. I don't want anyone taking care of me, but I would like to know that I am a part of a family and I would love to be near my family.
One day soon, I am going to have to make some decisions about my life. Decisions that are best for me and not what is best for somebody else. I care so much about what happens to Nancy, but I have to come first with me for once. I have to start thinking that way.
I wonder....how does one go about doing that?
At least I did make a step in the right direction as far as letting go of some of this anger. Lord, please lead me on to the next step.