I Wanna.....

I've been sitting here reading through Rosie's Blog. I'd like to write like that. To be able to spit out whatever comes into my mind, without stopping to think about how it will sound, or how others will take it. But for some reason I can't seem to just let myself go like that. I love writing. I love story telling. My dream one day is to be able to write a story, a long story, OK a book, that is actually intresting enough that someone might read. I only have about a million subjects running around in my head that I think will make good stories.

I want to leave something behind when I go from this world. Something worthwhile, something to make people remember me. I want to be remembered as a good person, someone who cared about others. I want my children to remember me as a good mother. I want my grandchildren to miss me. I want my grandchildren to know me, first. I wanto create special memories with each of them.

I want all the conflict in my life to go away. I want people to quit misunderstanding what I am saying to them. I want people to quit telling me how I should live my life...unless those people want to pay my bills, put a roof over my head and give me an unlimited amount of money to spend. Then, I think, they would have a right to tell me how to live my life. But there is no one to do that, yet there are still many people who think they know better than I do, how I should be living my life.

I want to go through the rest of my life not feeling the physical pain from this disease everyday. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want and how I want, not when, how, and what the disease will allow. I am tired of being a slave to arachnoiditis. I want good pain relief. I want my doctor's nurse to quit looking at me each month as if I am only there for another "fix." I want just a little respect for what I have to endure day anfter day after day after day.

I want contentment. Is that really asking too much in this life? What is left of this life? As my sister says, "I have already lived more years than I have left to live." I am nearly 51 years old. I have paid my dues. I have cried a river of tears, had a mountain of heartache and more hard times than I care to remember. Too many nights I went to bed hungry, too many nights I went to bed and was unable to sleep because of worry and fear of what tomorrow would bring. I want to go to bed and sleep a peaceful sleep. The kind of sleep I used to get when I was lying next to Bud and I knew that he would take care of me and everything else.

I want to know that someone values me. I want to know that someone respects me. I want to know that someone can't live without me. I want to be needed. I want my children to need me. I want my children to want me. I want my children to like me. I want a legacy.

I've been looking online for courses to take to better myself so that maybe I can find out what's wrong with me. Maybe I can learn why I have so much trouble feeling secure in my relationships with those I love. Maybe my insecurities right now come from having so much conflict lately. I've had more than one person cut me from their life. I know that one of those was my fault. I even asked for it. I even deserved it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever fix it. Sometimes I think I will and other times I am positive I won't. It comes from anger and my anger is something that I am working on diligently. I'll figure that out one day. I hope it's not too late when I do.

My Kelle called me tonight. She reminds me of myself sometimes. She has this need to fix things that are not right. She's decided she is going to "fix" this thing between her brother and I. She's going to make him see the light. She got angry when I told her that he is resenting that I "took in someone else's child." She got very angry. This someone else's child is still her brother and she resented that Robbie said that....or even felt that. And if he doesn't feel that way he should have never told Cindy he did. It was a horrible thing to tell someone else. Especially someone who is capeable of being so vicisous when you make her angry. She's a truly wonderful person....as long as things go exactly her way. She's never wrong, you know. I worry about people who are never ever wrong. But as I think back, in all the years I have known her not one time do I ever remember her saying that she made a mistake. It must be nice to be that perfect. It must be exhausting to be that perfect. I make mistakes and I am glad that I am woman enough to admit them. And I make them and admit them regularly. I'm good at making mistakes and even better at admitting them. Sometimes I ain't too bad at fixing them, either.

I have my soft places that I can fall. Not as many as I used to have, but thats ok. The ones I do have I cherish. I have my most favorite soft spot...the one I've had for more than 40 years. And she's still there. And I have Nancy, my newest soft place. Although she's not been there as much as I've needed. But then maybe I am just too needy. I'd ask her if we were ever in the same room awake for more than 10 minutes.

For now, I guess I am going to take my "wants" and put them and me to bed. It's getting late and I'm getting tired. I dont make a lot of sense when I get tired. And I have work to do tomorrow. The Best Friends Blog needs work and I have promised myself to work on it. And I am going to work on that post in Bits and Pieces as well.

Blog blog blog along. I love my blogs! Hell, I love everybody's blogs! This is my favorite one because this is where I can be me and who ever doesn't like it....oh well. I just may take the comment part out just because I don't want to hear if someone doesn;t like what i have to say. If you aren't liking what I have to say, take your comment and kindly, "stick it up your ass!"