I'm more depressed today than I probably ever have been in my life, except for the day that Bud died, or when my Mama died. I've never felt so alone in my whole life and I don't know what I am going to do. What began as one of the best exeperiences of my life has turned into the worst mess I could have ever imagined and it has nothing at all to do with what most people would think it would...personalities. Nancy and I could not be more compateable than if we were poured from the same mold. Our diffrences compliment our likenesses. Everything woorks in sympatico. Our finances could be a bit better, but wh'o's couldn't? We have some small, everyday logistic issues, but worked at, we could end up having a very nice life together.
There is Braxton who has to go to school every day and be out in the world, not to mention at other times, living with two crippled women who can't do a whole lot for themselves. But, make no mistake about it, he is my life. Since Bud died it's been he and I against the world and I swore to him that I would never leave him. Just this summer without him has quietly torn my heart out, but I've heard in his voice how he has grown. And Kristi tells me how he has come out of his shell and is talking to people and holding conversations. That was so unliks hime here. It's because he doesn't have to put up with the name calling there that he has had to defend me and himself against while living and going to school here. People are prejudiced and they make no secrets about it. It breaks my heart and tears me up. You even hear it in your local churches.
One public school has already turned Braxton down for acceptance because of the suspensions he got while going to school here because he was not protected against the bigotry and bullying. My daughter is now trying to put him in a Catholic school if they will give us financial assistance. I will have to mail her his Social Security check, so while I am here, I will be living on $484.00 a month. If this school refuses to accept him, we will have no choice but to bring him back here and put him n another school, doing what West Lee told us to do in NO and that is lie. Because of bigotry and bullying.
It breaks my heart to have to leave here, especially not knowing where I will go and how I am going to make it. Braxton and I both have found family here and I wish more than anything that we were not being forced to leave it.
I feel that at this point, I could get over my homesickness. Since I began talking about this move with them, I've seen a side of them, that I had forgotten. It's going to be awfully hard living on my own, when my family does not want me living with them, as I was under the mistaken impression of, than I once thought it was going to be. And Mississippi might be a place to consider. I could kick myself for ever coming up with the idea of living with Barbara in Ms. but we know I've had worse ideas.
I guess things are just really getting me down bad today, so writing was probably the best idea. It hasn't answered any of my questions about what the hell I am going to do. A woman in Nancy and I met online offered to let Nancy and I both come live with her outside of Nashville. But she's counting on my kid staying in NO, I think. Says I can pay her 300 a month, have the Master Bedroom and bath, she got a hot tub you can use in the winter, big screen tv, all the amenties. WHole 9 yds. Sounds nice. This family of mine, that is not crazy about having me live with them, would have me committed. And how would it look for me to tell Nancy I'm homesick and then move to Nashville? Makes a lot of sense, right? Doesn't solve my problem with Braxton, either. I do NOT want to live without my child. However, if it's really better for him to be in NO without me, living in a family, whtch, let's face it, I cannot give him, I don't know. I'd at least have to be close. Like maybe an apartment nearby so I could at least SEE him. Not friggin Nashville.
I know I need to take the first couple of paragraphs of this post and put it in the church newsletter on the last week I am here. That oughta blow their socks off!
I feel better now, giys. Thanks for readin'....
See ya'
Jan
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