Today

It's November 5th; Bud's birthday. Yeah, I thought about him a good bit today. I knew I would, I always do on his birthday. He would have been 66 today, or would he have been 67? Gee, you know I can't remember off the top if my head. Weird, I thought I would remember always. I guess not. I wonder what that means. I wonder if it means anything. Maybe it just means that I am getting old and can't remember anything anymore. Kristi called me today and I know that she was calling to see how I was and if I was thinking about hima nd crying over him, but neither of us mentioned him. As soon as she was sure that I was OK, she had to go. I didn;t want her to think that I was thinking about him, so I let on that I hadn't thought about him. I'll call her during the week and let her know that it was sweet of her to worry about me. She's a good daughter. Both my girls are.
I worry about how Kelle is doing. I don;t hear from hermuch and i miss her so much. I miss not hearing from her. And when I do she doesn;t talk to me anymore. I guess that's because she has Kristi. It is so hard being away from them! I hate it. Some days I wonder what I am doing wandering around in this big old world all alone. Now if Nancy read this she would get her feelings hurt and I don;t want to hurt her, and I don't mean that I am alone even with her. She has nothing to do with it, really. Oh, I don;t know. Forget it. I can't explain it. It doesn't make sense to me so I can't make it make sense to you. So forget it. I have other hurdles to jump at the moment.
Help me to get thru them, Lord. Help me to hang on.
And happy Birthday, Bud. I thought about you. I still miss you terrible. Yeah, it still hurts when I think about it. I still wish you were here and I still love you with all my heart. I just can't help it. I want to let you go, but I just can't. That's just the way it is right now. I really do wish you would leave me alone, tho.
Good night.