I'm hanging out on that "emotional roller coaster" once again. I don't know why it is I seem to like it here. And it's not that I really like it here, either. It's just that it seems like every time I turn around I find myself on the damn thing again. I just can't figure out why I can't seem to be content. That's what it is, too. I can't seem to find contentment. I'm fine for a little while but then I get the restless feeling. I start to miss my kids so badly. I don't feel like i am a part of anything. I have Nancy, yes. But she's all I have. Nancy has me. Nancy has her sisters. Nancy has her friends. I have Nancy. I have no one else. I guess in a nutshell I am jealous. Yeah, you could say that. When I get lonely, I have Nancy to talk to....if she happens to be awake. If not, then i am on my own. Oh well. That's just the way it is. Oh, she would tell me to wake her up. But for what? To sit and baby sit me? She would start to resent me after a while if I did that. I can't help thinking that she must get awfully tired of being my only entertainment. But she is. I am just so lonely if I tell the honest truth. And I want to get involved in something, but I am half afraid too. What if I do get involved in something and I find that I like it? Or what if I meet some friends and they take me away from here more? What if I find a life? I think I am afraid of that happening. As lonely as I am and as much as I want a life, I am afraid of it. That makes mo senes, does it?
Right now, this very minute, I am angry with Nancy for being in the bed all afternoon and night. I had a therapy appt. at 1:00 pm today. I left here at 12:30 and was back at about 2:15. When I got home she was in bed asleep. It is 10:30 pm now and she has not been awake yet. And there are MANY days that this happens too. And this has nothing to do with the fact that she is in pain. This is because she is drugging herself with valium because she does not want to be awake with me. Plain and simple. How else am I supposed to look at it? What else am I supposed to think? And why am I not supposed to be angry? When she wants to be awake, she can be. I know that when we go to the beach she is not going to sleep like that.
This beach thing is something else that has me bugged. I so do not want to go. We have to go to a dinner show thingy and I can't eat with my teeth in and so going out to eat in the LAST thing I want to be doing, especially with her entire family, but I am being forced into doing this. I am so not wanting to spend these three days with this whole family. Carolyn just makes me too uincomfortable. And she knows it, too. She says things that just get to me and she knows that , too. It's just little things, things that can be taken so innocently, yet I know she knows what she is doing. Small remarks just to let me know my place. Like tonight when she called to find out about Billy. Instead of asking if Nancy had heard any more about billy, she says, "I just wanted to know if Nancy had heard any more about our cousin." Just to let me know that I am not part of the family. She says things liek that all the time. Things that point out that I don't fit in. I already feel like enough of an outsider, I know my place! I don't need Carolyn to remind me that I am not one of them. And every time she calls and I answer the phone she never misses a chance to let me know. She makes some family reference each time. I just don't know if I can take three days in the same house with her. I guess I have to be honest and admit that I just don't like her any more than she likes me. And she has made it obvious that she does not like me. Nancy just cannot see it. I want to like her. I want her to like me. But she won't give me a chance. I have too many other problems, tho...I don't need to be worrying about this one right now. I still have two weeks before the beach.
I have no motovation. But then, that's been my complaint for months now. I don't know what the hell os the matter with me on that front. Menopause? Hormones? Overwhelmed because my house is alreadyu so dirty that I can't get to it? It's pretty bad, I'll tell ya. I started yet ANOTHER blog, called http://dirtyhouse.com just to vent my feelings about my filth. I was hoping that by writing about it I could shame myself into cleaning it. It's helping some. Just not the way I would like for it too. I'm homesick for my kids, but when I think about moving back to N.O. I know that I can't handle that. The thought of living back there makes me nervous. I know that there is no way that I could live that close to Faye and Barbara. That's pitiful, too. Because those two are the reasons that I can't live near my kids. That makes me angry, too. Doesn't matter, tho. Angry or not, I can't do any thing about it. I damn sure can't change it. Those two are going to make me miserable if I were to go back there. So....
Well, Nancy is up now, so I am going ot stop here.
See you again soon.
Bye!
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