Sunday, After Thanksgiving 2006

Having all 4 of my kids together was the greatest thing that has happened for me since Rob's cleaned up his act. I have Kristi to thank for making this Thanksgiving perfect for me. She drove allthe way here, stopping to pick Kelle up along the way, footed the entire bill for everything while she was here, worked her butt off while she was here ans then drove back, taking Kelle back home as well. I enjoyed Jilly and Brett Jacob to the max, but especially Jill. Brett stayed pretty close to braxton the whole time he was here. Jilly was right with me, though, even helping in the kitlchen preparing dinner. She picked chicken off the bone, which amazed me the most that the job was not too gross for her. She washed dishes, doing a good job. She also learned how to use the potato peeler!
Kristi has done an awesome job with her kids. They were well behanved, well mannered and listened to what they were told. They did not argue nor did they fight among themselves, they were very loving toward one another. Kristi is very patient with them. She's a wonderful mom. I always knew she would be.
Kelle slept most of the time while she was here. The rest of the time she spent pretty close to Rob. Thos two....'nuff said.
Naturally, I cried when they left. I tried not too but there was no way I could help it. I was not near ready for them to leave. I have no idea when I will see them next. Each visit to me is seeming like it will be the last.
Being around them all reminds me what I am missing and how much I iave failed them all. I realize how useless I am, how miserable I am. I've turned into the very thing that I have always feared most; a life if sitting and stagnating, with no purpose; my daddy and Alan. I alway said that if I ever got like that for someone to please shoot me. I am them. I need Direction and Purpose. I need to be needed. I have allowed my disease to take over...again. I am becoming Arachnoiditis.

There is a huge lesson here--I just have to figure out what it is.

Tied of Life Sucking!

Living like this is getting very tiresome. No matter how hard we try each month, the money just willnot stretch from one check until the next. I am so tired of living broke that I cannot stand it any longer! There has got to be some way to make things work. I just don't know how. None of it seems very fair to me. I've been given this horrible disease by a freekin doctor, so I can't work. I've been made a widow and had everything taken from me by my husband's children. I have no home of my own, no car, no bank account and am expected to live on the pitance that the government says should be enough. I'd love to see any one of them try and raise a child on a thousand dollars a month. I dare any one of them to try it. OK so, I piss money away on cigarettes. My one vise, my one luxury. I don't go any place but to the doctor's office every three months. I have quit getting my haircut, I don't eat out. My pleasure comes from the internet, blogging and reading e-mails from my friends in my arach support group. I do not travel to see my children and grand children. I have no friends here. Basically, life pretty much sucks and for two weeks of every month I am scrapping pennies just to have a freekin cup of coffee! I've had it!
I have an Internet job that I know full well is going to screw up the few benefits that I do have, but what am I supposed to do? Trust me, this Internet gig does not pay a whole hell of a lot because I still can't make it from pay check to paycheck! The holidays are upon us and I don't know what the hell I amn going to do. I have a kid here who is expecting somethng under atree that I cannot afford to buy and I'm having trouble putting groceries on the damn table. But I am not supposed ot be angry either. I am 52 years old, broke and disabled and cannot take care of myself. Oh yeah, life is just toomuch fun for me. I am sick and tired of being angry and broke. I am sick and tired of hating life. I am sick and tired of feeling used and abused. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My daughters are coming today and I don;t have anything to feed them once they get here. I have to rely on my kid to buy Thanksgiving dinner. This makes me feel so good, let me tell you. Wonder why life sucks? Wonder why I don;t want to get dressed or even get off my ass for that matter?

Another Birthday...Another Day

Today I am 52 years old. I look around and wonder where the time went. What happened to my life? I was a child and during those years I could not wait to grow up so I could be out on my own. I wanted so badly to be able to live without drinking and fighting all the time. I wanted to be able to know that I was going to have elcetricity everyday. I was chasing security. I was chasing a dream.

I am so completely unhappy at this moment. I don't know how I have ended up in this unlivable situation that I find myself in. Life just should not be this hard. My life began with insecurity, unsettled days and nights, too much uncertainty and I find that it is ending that very same way. Oh, my circumstances are some what different, but the insecurity is still there, the unsettled days and nights are still there and the overwhelming feeling of saddness and dispair that I felt as a child are still there. Or maybe I should be saying, "Once again." For there ws a time in this life of mine when things were good. There was a time when I had happiness, security and a complete feeling of contentment. But those times were all too short. In my 52 years on this earth, I can say that maybe 10 of those years were completely happy ones. The rest has been so close to horror for me that I wonder how or why I even want to go on. I feel that I am a burden to my children, an appendage to my family the they would rather not deal with and other than the looks I see on my grandchildren's faces, when I see them are the only things that brings me even a modicum of happiness.

I know that life has never been fair. I don't expect it to be abd I never have expected it to be fair. I have always felt that you get out of life just what you put in, but in my case, that has definitely not been the way it has been. It seems that I have given and given and given and gotten nothing in return for my efforts. I have worked for years, yet now when I am hurt and unable to work, the return for those years spent earning a living are not forth coming. I have given birth to 3 children and have tried very hard to give them a life as full as possible. Apparently, I failed at that. Had I done my job well, I feel like I would not be so alone now. But alone I am. Oh, I have Robbie and Braxton here but my 14 year old Braxton is still in that taking phase; where he expects everything to be handed to him and he should not have to work one bit for what he has. And then there is Robbie, who came here because he had no place else to go. Had I done my job well with him, he would not be in that situation. He would have done better in his job as a husband and a father and his marriage would have never been in the state it is now. I pushed Kelle out of her safe little nest when Bud died and she was so far from being ready. SO now her life is very hard because she was forced to grow up before she was ready. I failed her miserably. Kristi is well and happy and giving her all to her family. I am proud of the job she has done for herself. I cannot take any credit for the place my Kristi is in her life. She has done this on her own and done it well. I guess she took the role models she had in her life and decided to do just the opposite of what she was taught. She has a very good life and a very full life. I doubt she will ever find herself in the place I am at right now.

In a short sentence, "LIFE SUCKS" I don't know what purpose I serve here. I don't know why I am here. I bring no happiness to anyone. I can't think of a single reason to smile. Yes, today as I turn 52 I am having apity party I guess. Feeling very sorry for myself. I also feel as if I have a right to it. I have worked very hard in my life and the return is awful.

Another Birthday....Another Day....it's just not a good one. What a shame.

Trying Again

Well, I'm on another conference call woth another prospect for Melaleuca. This time I am helping one of Chrissy's enrollments to train. I hope that we can sign this woman. It will mean the end of my slump as well as an enrollment for her. I need this one to restore my confidence. I have not been able to enroll ONE single person, with the exception of a few people that I know, on my own. I need to be able to do this. I'm not understanding why it is so hard, either. We have a great product here. It can be a huge help to people and once they try it, they love it. I just cannot understand how some people can go so far with this company and why I can't seem to get a single enrollment. I have Eric working. Big Whoop. Eric has absolutely no motovation and will never make me a cent, much less himself. I haven't even heard from him in weeks. Why can't I find that business builder who is as gung ho as I am? I know that they are out there. They have to be. I am advertising every place that I can think of. Well, except ehre. I don't have a link here. I wonder if it would do any good. Is anyone in the general public reading my blog and would anyone be interested in working from home and the possibility of making MEGA bucks? You really can make money with this business. I've seen it done. You have to work at it, yes. But it's fun, it's educational, you meet so many great people and you never have to get out of your jammies! I just can't figure people out. Like I said, the product is great! It workd wonderfully well, plus its good for you! You are not spending any new money, you are just redirecting your spending. This is really the truth too. I am not buying anything that I have never bought before. I am just not spending it at the grocery store. The upside is that I am not running out of anything either. Why can I not convey this to others in a way that will make them want to give this stuff a try. And once you try it, you will love it! Cindy didn't but then I doubt if Cindy can be pleased with it is something that she is not doing first. She decided that it was a scam and you shouldn't have to buy each month. You have to buy laundry soap each month, don't you? You have to buy toilet paper each month, don't you? And shampoo and toothpaste? Well, you simply buy them from Mela and earn money while you are doing it! Whats so hard about that? I just don't get it. I have been working my butt off since March and I cannot seem to do it. I am becoming so discouraged, but I can't quit. I just can't. I believe in this product and I will not do it to Lori. Lori has been so good to me since I signed up. She is an unbelievable mentor. She goes out of her way for me everyday! So I have got to stick with it. I know that somewhere out there I am going ot find a couple of business builders that want to work as hard as I do. Maybe someone reading this will wake up and say, hey, let me give this awesome business opportunity a try.
They would be so happy that they did. I mean where else can you start a home business for 29 bucks?
The call is almost over so it's time for me to go to work. Please let me sign this woman!

Telephone Scum

This is a post that can also be found on My Space: Eurekabud's House. I wrote this last night as I was sitting at the computer doing my telemarketing job. I think it's good enough to post here as well. Enjoy!


Sunday, July 23, 2006

The lunatics are out in full force again tonight. What is it about certain males that cannot resist the urge to make an obscene phone call or just feel the need to talk filth to any unsuspecting female that they find on the other end of the telephone line?

I’ve been working telemarketing for only a week and already I’ve had more filthier mouthed, dirty minded, perverts on the telephone that I even imagined existed, in the first place. I can’t help but be amazed at the number of grown men who have a childish need to just be filthy and perverted!

I know that all men are not like this, but the numbers that are is still mind boggling and they are giving the rest of the male population a horrible name and reputation.

You know, when one is working this kind of job, you expect to get the occasional kid making a prank call, but to have some sick minded pervert call every night, sometimes as many as four and five different sick individuals is just down right disgusting. Women do not and never have conducted themselves this way and I doubt that any ever would. What is it about some men that make them such sicko’s?

It’s a shame, really, that so many men have this uncontrollable urge to say things to faceless, nameless women on the telephones who are simply trying to make a living to feed their families? These are the very same sick jerks who would want to flatten another guy for saying the very same things to his wife, girlfriend, sister or mother. These perverts on the telephone need to remember that the unsuspecting woman they are insulting on the other end of the phone is also someone’s wife, girlfriend, sister or mother.

It definitely makes it hard for me to separate. I want to put all men into the same category of the sick and perverted although my intellect tells me that it is only a select few that are behaving like cave dwellers with the morals of scum, it’s still very hard not to put each male that I come in contact with on the other end of the telephone in that same category as the rodents I am forced to hang up on so many times each night. I am as ashamed of then as the women who gave birth to them would be and I only thank God that I am not dependent on this same garbage for anything that I require.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

You know how some days you reach a point where you have had all that you can handle and you just know that you can't handle any more? I have been piling so much stuff on my plate here lately that I do get so overwhelmed sometimes, I don't know which end is up some days. I also know that is my fault, too. But then there are times when I have to try and deal with another person deliberately pushing my buttons and sometimes I think this is because it must be fun to see just where my breaking point is. This is my breaking point. I have come to that place, where, I know that if I go any farther, I will most likely self destruct. And again, this will be one hundred percent MY fault. But what do you do when you find yourself int this position?

A Lesson Learned

I learned a valuable lesson earlier today and I'd like to pass along the benefit of my experience. Simply put, never ever try and offer advice to anyone, friend or otherwise, when your opinion has not been asked for. Even if you have been asked, don't ever try and get your point across in an e-mail either. People have a way of misinterpeting your meaning and then they become very defensice. When someone is definsive it's your feelings that end up being hurt. Have you ever heard the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished?" Let me tell you something: take this old saying as gospel. Whenever you try and help, it does not matter how pure your heart is or how unselfish your intention is; it is never ever taken that way. Whomever it is that you are trying to help, as soon as you say something that that person does not agree with, they take it like you are attacking them and their normal response is to strike back and try to hurt you. It is very understandable that when someone is hurt, they would try and retaliate. And it rarely matters how long you have known the person or again, what your intentions are. They never ever see it as your intention being pure. It is only taken by that person as a personal attack. And personal attacks hurt, even if you know that once they calm down and see things more clearly, they will probably apologize to you later. Note: I began this post back in June and although just about a month has passed, I find that my feelings on this matter have not changed, therefore it must be true. So now I will post this and hope that some of you can learn from the benefit of my experience.

Surprise! I'm Over 50

I was reading through the latest issue of AARP magazine last night and I think it finally hit me that I am over 50. Hell, I've been over 50 for more than a year now, so this should have hit me lomg before now. Fifty is nothing at all like I thought it was going to be. It's also not what I had planned for myself once I reached this age.

Years ago, when my children were small, I remember thinking that when I reached the ripe old age of 50 the world would be comfortable into the 21st century. That was hard for me to imagine way back then; but here we are. It's the 21st century, I am in my 50's so now what? I had figured that by this time in my life my financial struggles would be behind me, but in reality my financial troubles are all too real. Besides having to struggle on Social Security Disibility, I am living far away fromt he grandchildren that I was so positive would bring me constant joy. You cannot experience constant joy from 1200 miles away. I rarely see my grandchilren, The last time, in fact, was two years ago and that causes me so much pain. I have also not been able to see my children in that amount of time either. Oh, so different from what I had planned. I honestly thought that by this time in my life I would be cooking huge Sunday dinners and having the grandkids visit me enough times that I would be complaining about the mess they left. As it is now, I would give my right arm to be in the position to complain about this very fact. I really am very tired of not being able to see my kids and grandkids at whim.

At this time in my life I wanted to be cooking large dinners evry Sunday. Instead I am eating tv dinners alone or sometimes not eating at all. Braxton (my 14 year old) spends as much time in his bedroom as he can manage, although I practically beg him to sit with me and share a meal. It's just more fun in his room in front of the tv. Yeah, for him I guess it is.

So many people have just quit trying to contact me. I never hear from anyone in my husband's family anymore. I guess as far as they are concerned, I am dead also. Even his ex wife, ...yeah, she and I were great friends while he was alive, but since I moved to North Carolina, she doesn't call either. No, thats' not quite right. She and I did communicate and then I called her once and asked if Braxton and I could come and live with her. I wasn't upset at all when she told me no. In fact, I almost expected it, but ever since then it's like she does not want to talk to me either. I understand why Mark and Arlene don't talk to me. I didn;t understand it when Christy and JOn wrote me off, but I figured it was because they listened to Mark. But geeze, those are kids that I was step mother too for more than 16 years! You'd think I meant something to them. But I guess not. Oh well. I just get lonely and nostalgic sometimes. But hey, I have my friend Nancy in my life, I have Cheryl that is so good about calling me nearly every week and then there is Cindy who, although she tries to tell me how to live, and gets weird sometimes, I love her and she says she loves me. Even though I know that she feels let down by me. I tried hard not to let her down, but things happen I guess.

I just miss the kids so much. I miss not getting to see the grandkids grow up. SOme days I wish I would have thought things thru more or better. But I didn't. I made this bed, I have to live in this bed. It is hard tho. Some days I can barely keep from crying all day long. It's hard to live so poorly, it's hard to continually have to tell Braxton no and it's so hard to sit day after day at this computer tring to make a buck. I have all kinds of uplifting sayings all around me to try and keep me positive and I try and tell everyone that I am okay....but inside, I am falling apart. Inside, I hate living. Inside, I am angry at Bud for messing up my life so badly by dying and leaving me all alone. Inside,inside....inside it hurts so badly. Inside I am completely miserable. I shold send this post to Buds children., They would be so happy and so full of satisfaction to know that I am so miserable and that I do hurt so badly. They set out to make sure of it, I'd really like to let all 4 of them know that they got what they were after. I hope it brings all of them some sort of satisfaction to know that I am so lost, lonely and miserable. I guess it wasn't enough for them that the love of my life had died and left me alone. They had to make sure that I lost everything else too. Well, it happened. They made it happen. I hope they are all pleased.

I'm in pretty bad shape right now so I need to end this post and go wash the dishes.

Learning As I Go

....and boy am I learning a lot of different things! Not only have I learned, or am I learning how to run this buxiness that I have going on, but I am also learing about people and how rude, and wishey washey they are. I have had so many people promise to call me back and then I never hear from them again. I just don't get that, either. What is so hard about telling a person, "No thank you, I am not interested." Instead of telling them that you are going ot call them back and sign up and all that garbage, when they know damn good and well that they are not going to call you. TOnight I got screwed because I was being nice to this bitch! GRRRR that's what really ticks me off to the max! I could have had the bitch signed and sealed, but here I was like a dumb ass worried about her being uncomfortable so I offered to let her get home and then call me back. I am not the idiot who told her to leave home in the middle of the presentation in the first place! I swear, I am really ticked off at this person. What a RUDE bitch she is and I have half a mind to tell her how much she has ticked me off. But whats bothering me so much right now is that I am THIS angry! I guess maybe it's because I have had it happen to me so damn many times! It pisses me off to the max when somebody sasys they are going to call me back and then I never hear a frigging word from them. I swear, I am going ot tell the next person who says that they are going to call me back, that I know they are a bald faced liar! I wonder how that will make them feel? I don't give a rats ass how it makes them feel. I am pissed and for good reason.

GRRRRRRRR If thios woman were to call me right now I am afraid that I would lose her because I would tell her off about what a rude bitch she is to have left me hanging like this. I have half a mind to call her and leave a message on her recorder about how rude she is. I had better shut this computer dowm for tonight.

Good night!@

Four Years and Counting

This post today is on the 4th anniversary of my sweet Bud's leaving me for Heaven. Yes, I still miss him everyday and still if I had my way, he would be with me. But since I can't and since he is not with me, in body, I am going to direct the rest of this post to him. Forgive me for ignoring the rest of you, this one time.

My dear Bud,
I miss you, Sweetheart. Every day I miss you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. But I want for you to know that I am okay. I am getting better with each passing year, although I still wish that we were together. You didn't give me those fifty years you promised me, you know. I'm going to be homest with you and tell you that there have been lots of times in the past four years that i have been very angry with you for leaving me and for the shape that you left me in. I know that you did not do it on purpose and if you had had any idea that your children would have done such terrible things to me, you would have made sure that Braxton and I were protected. I know you would. I also know that there is no way that you could believe that as soon as you closed you eyes that your children would have done everything within their power to hurt me. I know that you counted on Arlene and Mark to take care of us. I also know that you certainly never expected Arlene to turn her back on me after every thing the two of us ment to one another. But my sweet, I tried to tellyou, didn't I? Didn't I tell you that things woudl turn out just the way that they have? I have to tell you though, in all honesty, the lengths that they went to even surprised me. But what is done is done and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have lost them all though and for that I am so very sorry. I know that toward the end, in the last couple of years I didn't try very hard with Arlene, but I just didn't have it in me. The hurt was too great. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I want you to know that I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have either. But, like I said, it is done and there is no use dwelling on it. I have Braxton and I want to tell you about him.

You would be so proud of him, Baby. He is growing up into a fine young man. A lazy one, but he is a good boy other than that. He is trying hard in school. Ok so he could be trying harder but his grades are not that bad....well, other than English. I've got him in a private school, its a Christian school and he is doing well really. He is in a good environment and I know that is important to you. I have tried very hard in the last four years to make you proud of me. I hope that you are.

I guess you were there waiting for your sister when she joined you. Hug her for me and tell her that I miss her. I miss her a lot too. I haven't been very good about keeping in touch with your other sisters either. In the beginning i was, but I have allowed that to fall off. I'm sorry. I do need to be intouch with Sissy anyway.

I'll bet you were surprised when James joined you too. It's hard knowing that he and Larry are gone. I miss Larry a lot as well. You know that Margie quit having anyhting to do with me too. But you and I both know that was no big loss. Margie was upset from the day I met Nancy. Sweetie, you know that I am in a good place with Nancy, don't you? She and I are good for one another and you need to understand that. I pray that you do. So many people don't and they want to write more into it than it really is, but what they think does not bother me, you knwo that. But you have to knwo that she and I need one another and I actually feel like it was you who opened those doors for me.

Some days I can feel you with me but other days you seem so far away. I don't ever want you to be far away from me. I need to feel that you are close and can reach out and touch me when you want.

Jimmy has been busy coming to Cindy in her dreams. Won't you please talk to Jimmy and find out how that is done and come and talk to me some night? Please. It would make sleeping so much nicer if I knew that you would come to me. Jimmy has been so busy comforting Cindy. Ask him, please.

Continue to watch over us, Sweetheart. I know that you are. I will continue to make you proud and I also need you to promise me that you will help me with this business I am trying. I know that you have seen how hard it is to make it on this pitiful Social Security Braxton and I receive. You were wrong about that too, weren't you? You were wrong about a lot of things. But I lvoe you. I have never stopped loving you and missing you, even when I was angry with you.

Keep sending me the strength that I need to put one foot in front of the other each day. Help me to raise this child into a responsible adult so that one day he won't need me and i can come and join you. I don't want to have to wait forever. But a while longer here would be nice. I don't want to leave just yet. I still have work to do.

I lvoe you. And I thank you for all the years that we did have. YOu made them the happiest that I have ever had. I want you to know that and also that no one could ever take your place. I will always love you my sweet. I will always miss you too. You really have been the love of my life and always will be.

Forever........
Me

Things On My Mind Today

I have several things that I wanted to journal about today, things on the news that have been bugging me, things in my life that have been bugging me, just all kinds of things in general that have been bugging me.

The things in the news that have been bugging me are mainly the things that bug most people...the state of this country and whats going on in our world. I've been reading in the news about how the House of Representatives has only scheduled something like 91 days in session this year. At first it made me very angry, thinking about how lazy our government is. Then this morning as soon as I woke up I had sort of an ephany about this very issue; with them only spending 91 days in session, it gives them that much less time to screw things up. So it can be a good thing. Our government is pretty piss porr, ya know? They are also wanting to pass some kind of cock-a mammie legislation that will shut people's blogs down something like 60 days before and 30 days after a major election. If my 4th grade history class taught me anything it taught me that we have basic freedoms guaranteed us by The Constitution of The United States of America. The first amendment to this Constitution states that we be guaranteed the freedom of speech and that includes the freedom of press. Our blogs constitute press. Come on, guys, you can't shut us down. No matter what kind of spin you put on it, you are still violating our basic rights. You know, since this president came into office some five years ago, he has broken more laws, violated more of our God given rights and freedoms, and stripped us of more dignity than we realize and he has had the audasity to do all of this right under our noses and do it in the name of God! It infuriates me that we continue to allow him to get away with it day after day. Oh, in the beginning I was one of the poor, stupid, blind idiodic people who were on his band wagon. I thought his talk of "family values" and bringing this nation back to the Lord were good things. I even thought that having Mr. Kerry in office was going to be bad for our country. Oh, how stupid I was. Mr. Bush has duped us all. And not once but twice he has pulled the wool over our eyes and done a very good job of it. The second time he got us to elect him to office he used scare tactics to do it. He actually has nearly an entire nation of otherwise intelligent people thinking that if we did not vote for him that we would most likely be attacked on our own soil once again by terriosts! And as a nation, we bought it. Only to learn after that fact that before 911 Mr. Bush himself knew about the threats to the towers and he sat back and did nothing because he wanted it to happen. It fell right into his plans, so that he could go to war, so that eventually we can build a military base in Iraq. That's the whole reason that he is sacrificing the lives of our innocent young men and women in the God forsaken country, thousands of miles away from their families. If this war is so justified and if he believes in it so damn much, why doesn't he send his daughters over there to fight? Other families have their daughters over there. How cme the Bush girls are not over there? I'll tell you why. He is not about to sacrifice the lives of his daughters on a war the he knows that he cannot win, on a war that he knows that he has no plans to get out of. We are trapped with no plan for withdrawal. He tells us that we cannot pull out. Of course we cannot pull out. He has no plan for it! He does not know how. He is in over his head and now he has no idea what to do, so day after day he sits back and watches more and more of our young people sacrifice their lives and all he can do is try and figure out ways to cover up the injured, that he keeps out of the news. We do not hear about the thousands that are hurt and maimed for life each day. He can't keep the death tolls away from us, but he's figured out how to keep the injured lists hidden. Some states are trying to impeach him. He should not be impeached, he should be brought up on charges! I watch him on telivision with is fake smiles and he makes me sick. I have figured out that the bigger he smiles, the bigger lie he is telling. I only get satisfaction in knowing that he is running scared in this election year, knowing that his Republican held Congress is about to be a thing of the past. Oh yes, I could be wrong and it is possible that the Republicans could be re-elected, but I seriously doubt it. I have a feeling that if Mickey Mouse were running on the Democratic or even the Independent ticket that they would get elected over a Republican. What so you think? I know I wouldn't vote for a Republican even if his name were the greatest Republican President we have had in recent history, Mr. Ronald Reagan.

Now, I think I am going to move on to some of the other stuff that's on my mind and bugging me. I am kinda tired of the politics thing. Besides, too much of that just might get me red flagged by the commies that my tax dollars go to pay some idiot to sit and read this stuff. Can you imagine? Oh well. Anyway, if they are reading, then do something about the pitiance I get paid as a disabled widow, will ya'? It's criminal that I have to try and raise a child on eleven hundred bucks a month. You have any idea what a 14 year old boy eats? He can eay 800 of that in a month and that's no exaggeration.

I am sick and tired of the cold weather. It seems like it's been cold forever. I want to go outside. I want to dig in the dirt. I want to walk outside. I want to open the windows and clean the house. I want to wear shorts and t-shirts. I am tired of sweaters and long pants. I am tired of having to bundle up and hearing the heater run. I am tired of huge electric bills because of the heater running all the time. It's the end of March and if I were home (home still being New Orleans) I would be living in warm weather by now.

And that's another thing....Is New Orleans always going to be home to me? I left there in 1986 and moved to South Carolina with Bud. We stayed there until he died in 2004 and then I did go back home. I stayed for 3 months until I nearly lost my mind and all my money as well. Then I got close to Nancy and moved here to North Carolina with her. I've been here since October of 2004 and basically hating the weather ever since. It's pretty much the same as SC weather only just a tad cooler. I was never real crazy about the weather in SC but at least being with Bud made it bearable. Being here with Nancy is the only thing that keeps me here, too. But one day I would really like to be able to live where I want to live, ya know. I want to be with my grandkids. I want to be able to see my kids, too. Here, all I have is Nancy and Braxton. I have no friends, no family. Other than Nancy and Braxton, I have basically no one. I get lonely a lot. I feel alone a lot. I cover my miserable a lot. And some days I just feel like that at nearly 52 years old it should be my turn. When is it going to be my turn? I thought that when Bud died it was going to be my turn. But then I went and did something really stupid and because of that, it's still not my turn because I have someone else to consider. Don't misunderstand. I like my life with nancy....most days. But then there are times that I feel cheated because I don;t want to have to consider her. I want to be able to live where I want to live. I want to be able to do what I want to do. But as long as I choose to have another person in my life I can't have it both ways. This is a Life Lesson. One I should have learned before now. But I always have been a very slow learner. I could write a book on things that I have learned since I turned 50. Yep, it's enough to fill a book.

I'm just in the dumper today, or can ya tell? But then there are a lot of days lately that I am in the dumper. My life has pretty much gone downhill ever since Bud died. I still have no purpose except to exist. Well, I do have to get Braxton raised, but basically he is pretty much dragging himself up. I am just providing him with a place to live, clean clothes and a roof over his head. I do guide him in the right direction, but I am not really raising him. Bud would not be very proud of me. I have not put much effort into him. I have no purpose, no motovation, no energy, no zest for life, no nothing really. I know that I have to find these things inside of myself and I'm trying to get started on the journey. There are times when I think that I have begun and then I lose it. Some days I think that I am doing so well and then I wake up one day and it's like WHAM! I've hit a brick wall and all the wind is gone out of my sails.

I know this filthy house has got me so upset. I've cleaned it and cleaned it, but then when I can't get any help keeping it that way, or the very nect day it looks like a hurricane went thru it, I get discouraged and quit. I had it so clean and looking so good. I had taken one room at a time and was down to the last room and then the room I started on was a disaster again and it was like a vicisious circle and I got no help. I was waiting on Nancy hand and foot, taking care of Braxton, running all the errands, generally just wearing myself out. Finally, I got discouraged, run down and completely worn out. I quit. And now this house shows it. Once again I am sitting in a filthy house and I am going to be the one who ends up cleaning it. But I am still so discouraged that I don't have the motovation. Before I got it the last time I had to start another blog titled dirty house dot com before I could make myself do anything! I think it's pitiful to have to advertise your filthy house before you can make your self do anything about it.

I just need to get control of my life once and for all. Here I am trying to help Cindy put her life together and i can't even control my own. How am I supposed to be of any help to her? And my friend needs me so badly. The last thing I want to do is to let her down. She was certainly there for me when I needed her so badly. My only regret is not listening to her. But then I didn;t listen to anyone, except myself and I wasn't capable of making a decision as to weather I should go to the bathroom ornot and here I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life. Screwed it up too, is what I did. I just wonder if there is any way now to repair the damage that I did. Cindy says that there is. Kristi says that there is. But I am not so sure. Not without destroying other lives and I am not up for that. I've messed up my own life, I sure don;t want to mess up anyone else's life. I'd be messing up Nancy's life, first and she doesn't deserve that. I'd be messing up Braxton's life and he can't handle anymore. I have moved that kid around too much already. If I keep that up he is going to stage a mutiny and I could not blame him for that. Poor kid has had so many problems since his Dad has died and all I have done is add to them with my own. I have no business dumping on him the way I have. I give him too much credit sometimes and not enough at other times. I guess I really am the most messed up woman on the planet, huh? I definitly feel like it. There are plenty of days that I act like it too.

What a post. This one should get me committed. Ya' think?

Election Committee Has Gone Mad!

March 15, 2006
Don't Be Silenced!
The elites have become afraid of you. Whether they are in Washington, Moscow, Beijing, Paris or Sydney, the political and media elites are afraid you will eventually know too much and say too much. Which is why they are determined to control the Internet in whatever ways they can.
Tomorrow afternoon, the U.S. House will vote on the Online Freedom of Speech Act (H.R. 1606). We strongly urge a "yes" vote, as do organizations such as Gun Owners of America, National Taxpayers Union, National Right to Life Committee, Family Research Council, National Rifle Association, and American Conservative Union.
H.R. 1606 is needed because federal courts have ordered the Federal Election Commission to regulate "electioneering communications" on the Internet because of the Bipartisan Campaign Finance Reform Act (McCain-Feingold). If H.R. 1606 fails to become law, your Web site or blog could be shut down for the 30 days prior to a primary election and the 60 days prior to a general election should you express "electioneering communications." And any political e-mail you send during those times supporting or denouncing a candidate could also be disallowed.
So, grass-roots political activism will be silenced. But the media elite, such as The New York Times, won't be muzzled because they are exempt as members of the "official press." They will be allowed to continue writing editorials about various candidates, but you won't have approval from the State to say a word.
By the way, The New York Times has an editorial today urging a "no" vote on H.R. 1606.
The vote will be held tomorrow afternoon. Please urge your U.S. representative to vote "yes" on H.R. 1606.
Send Your Message
Kent Snyder
Posted on March 15, 2006 at 05:17 PM Permalink

The above post was taken from the blog of THE LIBERTY COMMITTEE. In my personal opinion, and I hope in yours as well, this is an OUTRAGE!!! First of all, it is a violation of our very basic freedoms. Has Senator McCain and this other yahoo, who's name escapes me at the moment because I am so upset, not read The First Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America?!? If 4th grade history class was correct in what it taught me, that First Amendment gave us all the Freedom of Speech! That means that as Americans we have the right to say, write, think, and sing whatever we damn well please, WHENEVER we damn well please and nobody can do a DAMN thing about it. SHUT DOWN OUR WEB and BLOG PAGES?!? I THINK NOT! Are we actually going to allow this?? I, for one, plan on writing my representatives in Washington and informing them that if they even think for one minute about supporting this rediculous garbage that they will not only NOT get my vote come next election but that I will do everything within my power to ACTIVELY see to it that they are not re-elected. Senator Dole and Senator Whatshis name are very good at ignoring me when I write to them, as they have done it several times already; a fact that I plan on reminding them when I write about this. But I will also tell them that if they choose to ignore me on this issue, I can promise them both that they will be extremely sorry because I do plan on making horrible, ugly noise over the vote to take away my basic rights of freedom of speech! It is utterly rediculous and if anyone of us stands for it, we are endorsing a communist state. Is that what we want? People, if we do not stand up and be heard on this one, then we just as soon lie down and let them have their way on all of it, because we have then lost the entire war.
Think about it.

Am I Giving Birth...

or am I experiencing just another one of my crazy hair-brained schemes that will never come to fruition, like so many others? I've had an ephany today. Well, actually, it was more like something that I have been telling myself for a long time has finally sunk in along with some things that Cindy has been preaching to me for the last several years and lately I have been thinking heavily about them and today they have finally taken hold. I started thinking hard earlier on one small idea and before I knew it that one small idea took hold and began to grow and grow and now I seem to be trying to give birth to "Office Angels" a business, naturally, but a combination business type thing where I would: A) either do office work here in my home office or I could arrange to go and perform this work at theirs and B) I will also do Office Makeovers or a "Clean Sweep" type service where I would go into their office and reorganize, set-up, re-style and completely organize an office.

This idea came about as I was thinking about doing typing in my home office for people. Then I started thinking about the guy that fixed out heat pump a couple of months ago. He never did send us a bill because he does all the service calls, all the billing and everything else. I was thinking that this guy MUST need some help and then I thought that their must be others like him. I figured that he probably does not have an office or if he does it is a home office and it is probably a mess. I'll bet he could use some organization in it and then he probably needs someone to go in and get things all caught up for him so that he can take over from things being current with a new system all set up for him. Then I bet he can use somebody to go in a couple of times a year just to make sure things are running smoothly and to do catch-up work for him. And all of this would come at a nice price to me. If it can't come at a cash price, it would have to come at a price just under what Uncle Sam allows me to make so it's a win win situation for both of us! And who in their right mind would NOT call a business named "Office Angels". I mean really. Anybody would, don't you think? So now I am downloading a new program to help me get started with this thing and then I am going to knock Cindy off her feet with this idea and see what she has to say about getting me pregnant with this thing!

I wonder if I can really, honestly pull it off. Cindy would tell me that I can do anything that I set my mind too. I would tell anyone else that of course they can do it. Can you just see me in five years sitting back making globs of money with people working FOR me?!? OH MY LORD! WOULD THAT NOT JUST BE THE ULTIMATE BOMB? My daughter might actually want to come and work for me? Wouldn't it be the weirdest thing in the whole world if I were actually able to support myself for the first time in my entire life, in my mid-fifties? I don't think anything stranger in the whole world has ever happened in this world ever before!!

Now, the thing to do is first: MOST IMPORTANTLY,

1. TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!
2. WORK SLOWLY, CAREFULLY & DILLIGENTLY
3. LAY OUT A PLAN & A SCHEDULE & FOLLOW IT DAILY
4. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME DISCOURAGED, LAZY, OR TO DEVIATE FROM MY PLAN IN ANY WAY.
5. SET A TIME TABLE THAT IS DO-ABLE AND STICK TO IT.
6. MAKE ONE PLAN & DO NOT CHANGE IT.
7. COVER ALL YOUR BASES.
8. RESEARCH, RESEARCH & THEN RESEARCH AGAIN!!!
9. COVER ALL YOUR BASES
10. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE CONSIDERED EVERYTHING!
11. RESEARCH EVERY ASPECT TWICE AND THEN DO IT ONCE MORE JUST TO MAKE SURE!
12. SAY THREE TIMES EVERY DAY WHILE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, "yOU ARE SMART ENOUGH, YOU ARE DETERMINDED ENOUGH, YOU CAN DO THIS."
13. FINALLY, PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY AND LAST BUT CERTAIBLY NOT LEAST....PRAY AGAIN!!

You know, if I were to somehow do all of the above listed things, it just might be possible that I could actually pull this business thing off. If Bud could be in business for himself I sure can. I mean people do this every day. Why NOT me? I am relatively smart. I can read, for crap's sake! I am not afraid of work. Look at the opportunity I could open up for myself? Look at what I could teach my child? Just imagine what I could do for myself AND for him if I could pull this off! Oh what a joy this would create for me. What joy this would bring into my life!

Cindy tells me that if there is something that you want or need badly that you must tell your Angels three times and that you must be very specific. OK Angels, here we go. "Angels, I need for this business idea of mine to get off the ground. I need to stay with it and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. Did you hear me my Angels? Please, Angels, help me with this. Help me to get this off the ground and get it going. And Bud if you are there and you are listening too, I know that you can help me and you know how determinded I can be. So come on, Honey. Come help me too. OKay. Please, I need you too.

Thank you to all of you. Thank you all for being with me. I am going to stand on that faith that Cindy keeps telling me about. I do have the faith. Y'all know I have the faith. So help me to believe more and help me to make this happen. I want Office Angels. I want Office Angels. I want Office Angels. I am going to be THE FIRST OFFICE ANGEL!!!!

Now I am excited. Now something is going to happen. I can just feel it. Like Cindy told me almost 4 years ago, "Watch me Soar!"

My Friend, Jimmy Gillenwater

DallasNews.com News for Dallas, Texas Obituaries

I really hope this is the right link that comes up. I am using the "Blog This" dealie on the Google bar and if it's put the wrong thing in I am going to be some ticked off. What is supposed to be here is the obituary for Jimmy Gillenwater. I still can't believe that Jimmy is gone. It's still like I am dreaming. When I woke up on Tuesday morning, one of the very few mornings that I slept late because I am always, always up by 6:00 AM if not earlier, but anyway, when I did finally wake up, Nancy was just walking into the bedroom and she had the strangest look on her face and she walked right over to the bed and sat down. I looked at her for a minute and then I said, "What's wrong?" And she just looked at me. Suddenly I got so scared. I could tell something was wrong. I wanted her to tell me, but then I didn't want her to because it was like I knew that when she told me, my life was never going to be the same again. You know that feeling, right? Finally, I looked at her again and I said, "Nancy, whats wrong? Is it my kids?" She shook her head no right away and then she said,"I have something to tell you, but I don't want to tell you because I know it's going to upset you really bad." I waited for a minute and then she said, "Jimmy died last night." Nothing registered. I went completely blank. I guess I must have had a blank look on my face as well because finally she said, "Cindy's Jimmy. Jimmy Gillenwater." I looked at her like she was completely nuts and I said, "NO! You gotta be kidding me. Whats the matter with you? Why are you telling me something like that?" And then all of a sudden I just remember screaming crying saying something like I didn't want my friend to hurt like that. And then a few minutes later I sat up and said again that it could not be true, that I had to talk to Cindy and find out why Nancy was playing this horrible joke on me. Nancy started telling me what had happened and I told her that I just didn't believe her because I had talked to Cindy just last night and had heard Jimmy in the background and he was making me laugh like he always does. She said that they had been watching tv, sitting on the couch and then he stood up to go to the bathroom and he looked at her and said, "Cindy, my heart just stopped." And he fell over. She called 911 and they worked on him for more than an hour but could not bring him back. She said he fought so hard. Now I don't remember if it was Nancy or Cindy who told me that part, but I was like in a state of shock. None of this was making sense to me. This was Tuesday morning and it's Friday night now...she buried him today. I just read his obituary in the Dallas Newspaper and for some strange reason I still don't believe it. I have tried to talk to her everyday and see if I can make it seem real to me, but it still doesn't. Even yesterday morning when she called me and was hysterical, crying telling me that she couldn't do it and the physical pain was so bad, I understood just what she was talking about, but I couldn;t believe that she was actually going thru it. I think I have got to see her. She told me that she wants me to wait until everybody has left and she is alone before I come and I can understand that. That is what she did for me and that is also when I needed her the most, but for me, I need to be with her now. I don't know how she waited like she did when I lost Bud. I mean I am happy that she did, but I don't know how she did it. I have called her a million times, e-mailed her a million more and have written her a letter that is sitting here and I already have a card ready to go in the mail and another one to write out and put in the mail on Monday. I am either nuts or obsessed.
I need to c & p this obit because it's not going to be here too long either. Let me do that.

James Patrick Gillenwater

GILLENWATER,, JAMES PATRICK Devoted, loving husband and father passed away February 27, 2006 He was born September 27, 1949 in Hillsboro, Oregon.. He was a Vietnam Veteran., He married Cynthia Robin Foil on June 27, 1981 in Portland, Oregon. At the time of his death he worked as a Sr. Systems Engineer for Ellacoya Networks. He was an accomplished musician. He was preceded in death by his mother Zella , sister Cathy and a son James. He is survived by his wife Cynthia of 24 years, Son Kent, Daughter Jennifer . 2 grandchildren Ryan, Emma. Siblings Terry, Randy , Everett, Greg , Orville, Joe, Diana, Marie, Becky, and Shelia . He Served the Lord, his country and his family with the utmost devotion, strength, and love. Memorial service will be held March 3, 2006 at Arlington Baptist Temple, 3434 South Collins, Arlington,TX. Viewing for family and friends will be begin at 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Service will start at 1 p.m. Followed by a Graveside service at 2:45 held at Dallas/Ft Worth National Cemetery.
It's a beautiful tribute to my friend. I know that Cindy made him so proud of her. But then she never stops amazing me. She has always amazed me and I just don't understand all the people whi have trouble getting along with her or understanding her. There is not a kinder or more gentle person alive, not since Jimmy died...not anymore. Cindy now is the kindest, most compassionate, most considerate human being on the planet. He used to be, but now she has to carry that torch.
She'll do it with grace and dignity, too.
OK Jimmy, where's my sign, Honey? I'm still looking for it, by the way. Cindy promised you were going to send me one today and I looked for a butterfly all day long. Was it something else and dummy me missed it? Don't tell me that you sent me some ashes that I missed somewhere along the way today! That would be just like you. You know you have to put things right out in the open for me! I'm going to give you another shot at it tomorrow when you are not quite so busy. You should have all your hello's done by then. But then you never could walk into a room and get on with it, now could you, so how can I expect you to enter Heaven and worry about sending me a sign way back here? I'm patient...most of the time, to a point, within reason. I'll give you another shot. Go say hi to my hubby and I'll talk to you again soon. You take care of business up there now, you hear me? I love you, my friend. And I promise you I'm going to take care of Cindy. I swear it.

Sometimes I Wonder About Myself

Of all the lessons I have learned in my lifetime, there is one that, no matter how many times I seem to get burned, I just cannot get it through my head, no matter how many times I stick my hand into that fire. I am talking about the relationship with my sisters. Sometimes I think that these two women were put on this earth simply to drive me nuts and to make my life a living hell. The three of us seem to have a constant battle of "she said this, well she tole me that." It is impossible for the three of us to get along, no matter how hard any of us say that we are trying. There is the older one who deems herself the matriarc and mother of us all. She fancies herself as having raised my younger sister and myself single-handedly. I will admit that she did fill a huge void when we were very young and there were many nights when my parents were having a drunken brawl and my younger sister and I were terrified and she held us while we were crying, but I feel those debts have been paid in full a long time ago. We have paid her back in baby-sitting, in house cleaning, in hospital sitting and in numerous other ways throughout our lives and I don't recall myself ever once throwing any of what I have done back at her, however I can't say the same for her. I have heard many times during my lifetime of the things she has done for me, time and time again, whether large or small. There are eight years difference in our ages and only fifteen months difference between my younger sister and I. She and I grew up extremely close, a fact that drove the older one nearly crazy. She did not like being left out of that loop at all. The fact that we had nothing in common with her during the years of our young married lives seems to completely escape her. Then came the time when changes happened and my younger sister and I grew apart and the path she took was one that I did not agree with her on. I still loved her and cherished her as a sister, I just couldn't embrace her lifestyle as I am sure she felt the same about the path I was on at the time. Our lives took completely different turns. And that's when the lies began. There was not a soul in the family that could believe a thing that she said. In fact, it was common knowledge that she was the one who told anything BUT the truth. And this behavior went on for years. The farther apart she and I grew, the closer together my older sister and I grew. It seemed like our lives were moving along on the same path during this time. Our husbands were nearly the same ages and got along well and they enjoyed one anothers company and so we began spending more time with them. Years passed and I did not see my younger sister. I would talk to her on the phone, but I could tell that things were not right. I knew that some of the things she told me were lies and the funny things was that she knew that I knew it. So, for a long while we left one another alone.

I don't quite remember what happened to change this, but it did change. She and I did become friends again and when my hubby died and I moved back home she was really there for me. I have to say that if it were not for her I would have died of loniliness. But she was also playing one sister against the other as well...but I found this out a little bit too late. And I was so grief stricken that I didn't see it happening either. By the time I left town, three months later, things between my older sister and I were at a disastrous stage. We were not even speaking and I was on the verge of swing her. She had called and asked to see me and I allowed my younger sister to talk me out of going, believing that it was a set up and that she was going to have me arrested for some reason or another. So I left town without even speaking to her. I don't know that if to this day, if my older sister even believes that she told me those things. Once I came here and got settled I decided to leave them both alone and for a long while I did, with the exception of occasional holiday phone calls and visits when I would go back home. Neither of them has come to see me and when I went home only once has my older sister come to me. That was for a birthday party for my 50th, my younger didn't bother to show. Other times I have seen them, it was me going to them.

Now this latest thing. It was a phone call from my older sister to wish me a late Merry Christmas. During the phone call she asked about all my kids and also asked if Robbie was still in Texas. I told her that as far as I knew he was but that I hadn't heard from him in months. A few days later I heard from Faye and I told her about the conversation and she said, "I don't know why she would ask you about Robbie, she knows good and well that Robbie is here living with Cherie. She knows he is going into the Army this month. She saw him standing in my kitchen." Naturally, this made me furious. Then Faye called me back and told me that she asked her why she told me that and she laughed and said "I don't know, I guess I was being a bitch." Now, true to form the older sister denies the whole thing. I had another phone call from the older one telling me she was home, when in fact, she was sitting at the younger ones kitchen table repeating everything I was saying; either to try and start more shit, or to, as she says, see her face as she repeated what I said. But then the other one says that while she was on the phone she was "going about her normal house duties and not paying attention." Yeah, right! Like I believe that. Ya know, I don't tell either of these two any lies and I don't appreciate it when either of them play games and lie to me. I am sick of it! I am too old for these high school games and tired of the whole mess. This crap has been going on with these two my entire life and it is exhausting. Enough is enough already! And yet, I keep going back. I keep allowing them back into my life. I don't understand why I do it. I know that I want to be able to have a "normal" relationship with them, but i also know that this is an impossible dream, so I may as well hang it up. Just forget it and get on with my life. What I have left of life is too little for me to be dragged down and preoccupied by this crap and I have got to quit. So, right now, I am making myself this promise: As for my family, I am vowing from this moment on, that my family includes only my four children and my grandchildren. I have four of them, Brett Jacob, Jillian, Emily and Linzy. That's it! Linzy is the only one of Bud's grandkids that bothers to keep in touch with me. The rest of them have fowwed his kids and have dropped me like a bad cold. Linzy is good about staying in close touch by e-mail and never fails to tell me that she loves me. So I claim her. As much as I love Erica, her mother has poisened her against me. I won't force myself on her. I used to have great grandchildren but Melanie has also chosen to take them out of my life as well. Oh well. I can live with it. I guess you don't miss what you never really had. And I never had Coby anyway. Melissa wouldn't have that. Even if Bud would have lived, she would have taught him to call me Jan, probably. There is no love lost between Melissa and I ever since I told her off when Bud was in the hospital in Texas and she wanted me to leave to bring her car back to her. But that is petty stuff. I am tired of that family not liking me for their silly reasons, just as I am tired of fighting with my sisters over their stupid made up lies and silliness. If they want to keep this crap up, they will have to do it without me. They can fight with themselves because I quit playing their game.

Just watch!

Beginnings and Endings

I don't know so much anymore about life lessons or about wisdom; all I am sure about is that time passes, usually much too fast and things change while so much still stays the same. If you'll think about that for a minute you'll know what I mean by it. I think the changes I am talking about are the ones that come gradually. Sometimes you don't even seem to notice that the changes are taking place until you stop one day and look around and realize that your whole life is moving in a different direction or that your focus has changed. A lot of times that also simply comes with age. These days I am finding that a lot of things simply come with age. But then I am realizing that age is bothering me just a bit these days. That is probably because it is creeping up on me rapidly. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was 25.....wasn't I? How can I be 51 already? I am going to turn 52 this year and I don't know how that happened so fast. What was I doing whole the years added up so quickly? And they added up all on my face, too! That's one of the hardest parts of this aging thing to take, if you want to know the complete truth. And here I am seeing all these women on television that are my age and older who are aging so gracefully and are so active and so healthy and then her I come...all shriveled and wrinkled, walking with a cane for God's sake and moaning and groaning and aching and hurting and not being able to do squat. Hell, I can't even afford half way decent make up to hide my horrible aging. It's so disgusting and discouraging. And then sometimes I wonder, am I blaming everything on this damn disease? To be perfectly honest, this damn disease has ruined my life. I have lost out on so much because of it. Like making a decent living in the first place. Having to depent on friggin' Social Security Disability is the worst way in the world to have to live. I have thought so many times that I should just throw that pitance away and go out and get a job. But a job at doing what? Who in the owrld is going to hire a nearly 52 year old shrivled up old woman who has not worked outside the home since 1988? Any skills that I had are surely atrophied by now. I can't imagine that I could even wait tables decently. Hell, I couldn't wait tables decently when I COULD wait tables!! On my BEST day I spilled a bowl of soup all in some poor man's lap. I'd be a friggin' menace as a waitress, let's face it. And there is no way I could do secertarial work again. Get real. That is something that no business person in theor right mind would hire me to do. I wonder if I could run a cash register at a grocery store? I guess I could probably do that. But could we survive on a minumum wage job, because surely that is all that would pay. And can I even stad on my feet for that many hours a week? And look at what I would lose to do that? I have to think about the health care benefits that I have, if nothing else. Right now Braxton and I do have all our medical paid for. We don;t have anything else but we do have that. Can I afford to give that up? Only if I don;t need any more meds I can. Only if I can be assured that my kid will never be sick or hurt, I could. Gee, how can I live the rest of my life with this spinal disease and no medication? OK enough of that stupid idea. Let me go back to living on Social Security and being poor. Things will get better once Nancy and I get the house and car paid off, unless we need another car which is highly likely. But we don;t have to have much of a car payment either. So, in about four years, things should get better. Big whoop. I've lived thru worse. I just hate it. I guess I can go four years without seeing my kids and my grandkids. That's the hardest part. But I guess when it gets bad enough on the kids they will come out and see me. I hope. See, this is where my problem is right at this very moment. I am quite frankly, feeling sorry for myself. How pitiful is that? Oh woe is me! How funny I am some days. I can be so pitiful. And I really have no reason to be pitiful. I honestly have much to be thankful and happy for, let's face it. Come on, old girl, you really are very blessed, you are just too wrapped up in yourself to see it at this moment. But if I were completely honest with myself, I would tell myself that ever since the day that Bud died I have been walking around feeling sorry for me. I should be so ashamed of myself.

I had a little more than sixteen good years with that man. He loved me in the only way he knew how to love and he did a good job of it. I wanted for very little. He was very attentive. He tried so hard to give me all of my heart's desires and he tried hard to keep me as happy as he could. I came first with him more times than not. Bud really was the man of my dreams and there are so many women who can never say that they had that many years with the man of their dreams. So in that respect right there, I have much to be grateful and blessed for. I lost him early, yes. But the time we did have together was good. If I weigh all of it out, we had so many more good years than bad ones and as I look back on it I don't even remember the bad times. It's only the good that sticks out in my memory. And that's as it should be. I can remember him now and smile, instead of cry like I did for so very long. And I am not alone now. I am blessed with a sweet friend and companion. I have a caring, loving relationship that never causes me a minute's grief. I know that I always come first and when it comes right down to it, things are always done my way. I couldn't ask for better than that. There is no bickering and arguing in our home. There is no petty jealousy. I have never once sat here and wondered when the door was going to open, or if I was going to be left alone for dinner. I have a constant companion. And if I choose to, I am able to come and go as I please. I have the best of all worlds. Yes, I am blessed and I have much to be thankful for. Most importantly, I know without any doubt, that I am loved. Everyone needs to know that they are loved. We all need to feel love and we all need to have love in our lives, no matter where it comes from. And I have that. So why do I think that I have a right to feel sorry for myself? Because I was treated badly after Bud died, by his children? Hoiw stupid am I? This is something that I knew was going ot happen years before it actually took place. I knew that Mark was going to be as ugly as he was. I knew that Arlene was going to turn on me. I knew that Christy and Jon were going to ignore me and act as if I never existed. I knew every bit of this and even told Bud that it would happen. So why was I so surprised when it actually happened exactly the way that I said would? And why have I had so much trouble accepting and getting over the way I have been treated? I have acted no better than the four of them have in reality because I have NOT gotten over it and I have NOT been able to take it all in stride. I think it is time that I told myself to simply, "GET A GRIP!" It really is time to move on and forget them.

Since this is the beginning of a new year I believe that this is the perfect time to put all of this behind me once and for all. I think it is time for me to move ahead and quit looking back. I really do need to get on with my life. I think that I have to let Bud and his children go. I know that I will be better for it and after all, isn't that what counts now? Braxton and I are the ones that are left here to carry on. We are the ones that have to pick up the pieces and go on, so he and I are the two people that matter more than anyone else. Certainly we are more important than Bud is because he is no longer here. So I have got to see to it that Braxton and I are taken care of first and foremost. So, right now, this minute I am making a vow....a promise....to put my son and I FIRST, TO FORGET THE PEOPLE WHO LEFT THE TWO OF US BEHIND, TO FORGET THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SET OUT TO HURT AND DESTROY. The past is the past and I have got to bury the past along with Bud. I loved him so very much and there was so much about the past that I loved as well. But there were also things about the past that I was not so crazy about. Now I don;t have to deal with any of it any longer.

WOW! What a soul cleansing!! Honestly, that's exactly what I feel like at this minute....like I have cleaned out my very soul. What a great feeling! Lord, please help me to stay on this very productive high. I did not come here to hurt anyone...I honestly do not think that I did, but if hurt was any ulterior motive, please help me to aknowledge it and then to get rid of it. I don't want to carry any bitterness with me as a result of my precious Bud. I never again want to cry because it is over. I only want to remember him and smile......BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.

Bloodlines

When I was a child my younger sister and I were so very close to one another it was almost as if we were an extension of one another. I guess with the horrible childhood we had, there were times when we clung to one another and I know that if I didn't have her while I was growing up I would have surely died. And while I also needed my older sister at the same time, we were in no way as close as Faye and I were. And then came the day that it went bad. I can almost remember the very day that it happened, too. It seems like one day we were there for one another and then the next day everything fell apart. It no longer matters why it only matters that it happened and it's lasted for most of our adult lives. And during this time the relationship between the three of us sisters has been so hard to maintain most of the time. It's always been a love hate thing with all three of us. There have been times that I have wondered if Mama were alive if things would be so hard between us. So many times we have all said that we are all that we have and that we have to stay close and that there is no reason for the way that we act and yet we still cannot seem to get along. One of us seems to always be trying to undermine the other one. There is always one of us telling another one of us one lie of some kind or playing some kind of game that ends up hurting the other one. It has always been that only two of us can be friends at a time. It's either Faye and Barbara against Jan, or Jan and Faye against Barbara, or Barbara and Jan against Faye or...well, you get the idea. It's a completely rediculous way for three grown women to act when you get right down to it.

For the past fifteen years or so I have not had a lot to do with either of them. I have lived off in another state away from the two of them and quite frankly I have liked it that way, although I have hated living away from my kids. The only bonus has been that I have not had to put up with my sisters. For the three months that I did live back in New Orleans after bud died I nearly lost my mind with the two of them, although Faye was my saving grace, Barbara nearly caused me to literally lose my mind after she had helped me tremendously while I was staying with her before I found my own apt. But as soon as I moved into my own place she began acting as if I were the enemy for some strange reason. Well, I say it is for some strange reason but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is because of a drug problem she has. In reality we are all addicted to pain killers. Me because of a spinal disease, Faye because of repeated back surgeries and now because she has a touch of the same disease and Barbara because she wants to be. That is a sad situation. She has lost husband number two and now she is determinded to destroy herself because she is angry at the world. And in the process of destroying herself she is trying to take as many people as possible with her. But I have decided that she is not taking me along with her, no matter what.

After quite a long time, I finally touched base with Faye today and I have to say that I enjoyed talking to her so very much. She was so much like her old self and I realized that this is the sister that I miss so much. But I can never seem to count on her to stay this way. It seems like that as soon as I begin to trust her to be this sister she tells me some huge lie and the shit starts all over again. My problem now is how to keep from being sucked in again while I have a relationship with her that I so desperately want. And I know that if I begin a relationship with her Barbara is going to get jealous and start her campaign to undermine it in some way. It happens everytime. It always does. And no matter how ready I seem to be for it, I can't protect myself from what I know will happen. So, what do I do? Do I just forget trying to have any relationship with my little sister for the rest of my life? She and I are both in our 50's. We are Grandmother's for God's sake. Surely, you would think we could act like adults at this time in our lives, wouldn't you? And yet I wounder. I know that Barbara is not capeable of it. Faye told me tonight on the phone that Barbara is convinced, even tho she is healthy, that she is dying and so she has decided that she wants to go out loaded, like a complete idiot junkie. So, I know there is no hope for her or for a relationship. I don' even want one with her. In fact, all I want to do where she is concerned is to cuss her out for the things she told me on the phone when she called me the other day and I am going to in the next day or so. She saw Robbie at Faye's a couple of days before Christmas and probably even asked him if he had talked to me, which he would have told her no if he were telling the truth, and when she called me she asked me if I had heard from Robbie and was he still in Texas, instead of telling me that she has seen him at Faye's. Now, why would she have done that if not to just be mean? Why would she have just wanted to rub it in my face that Christmas had come and gone and she wanted to remind me that I had not heard from my own son? What a mean vicious woman she is and I plan on telling her so. She has the unmittigated gall to say, "I love you" to me and then to do something like that to me. I am going to tell her to never call me again, that I don't care to hear from her. The only time I hear from her is when she is loaded anyway and I am going to tell her that too. She calls me last summer to ask me if I want to go on a cruise with she and Faye knowing FULL WELL that I could not afford a cruise, but do you think she would have offered to pay my way when we all know she could have easily afforded it? Oh hell no! She also knew that I had no money for Christmas and what in the world could a person buy a 13 year old from the dollar store and yet she asks me if I couldn't have gone to the dollar store for my kid! Would she have gone for her kid? No she would have never insulted hers that way. When braxton was a baby she wanted to be his grandmother. But she only wanted the glory. She never wanted the responsibility of doing anything for him. A grandmother's job is for life and she takes that responsibility seriously. But Barbara is not like that. It never occured to her to call and see if he had what he needed or even if he had anything. Yet she is so quick to throw in my face what she has done for me in my life.

This was not supposed to be a "bitch about Barbara post." It was supposed to be a post about how good it felt to be in touch with Faye again and how much I wanted that relationship to continue and hopefully to grow again and to get back on track. Now that the two of us are older and hopefully have more sense and are more mature you would think that we can handle it. I am praying so anyway. As for my older sister, that is a lost cause and I am going to forget about it. I don;t have the energy that she takes. That is sad, too. And I am so sorry that it has to be that way. But it does. That's just the way things are sometimes. You pick your friends, not your family, sadly.