This post today is on the 4th anniversary of my sweet Bud's leaving me for Heaven. Yes, I still miss him everyday and still if I had my way, he would be with me. But since I can't and since he is not with me, in body, I am going to direct the rest of this post to him. Forgive me for ignoring the rest of you, this one time.
My dear Bud,
I miss you, Sweetheart. Every day I miss you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. But I want for you to know that I am okay. I am getting better with each passing year, although I still wish that we were together. You didn't give me those fifty years you promised me, you know. I'm going to be homest with you and tell you that there have been lots of times in the past four years that i have been very angry with you for leaving me and for the shape that you left me in. I know that you did not do it on purpose and if you had had any idea that your children would have done such terrible things to me, you would have made sure that Braxton and I were protected. I know you would. I also know that there is no way that you could believe that as soon as you closed you eyes that your children would have done everything within their power to hurt me. I know that you counted on Arlene and Mark to take care of us. I also know that you certainly never expected Arlene to turn her back on me after every thing the two of us ment to one another. But my sweet, I tried to tellyou, didn't I? Didn't I tell you that things woudl turn out just the way that they have? I have to tell you though, in all honesty, the lengths that they went to even surprised me. But what is done is done and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have lost them all though and for that I am so very sorry. I know that toward the end, in the last couple of years I didn't try very hard with Arlene, but I just didn't have it in me. The hurt was too great. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I want you to know that I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have either. But, like I said, it is done and there is no use dwelling on it. I have Braxton and I want to tell you about him.
You would be so proud of him, Baby. He is growing up into a fine young man. A lazy one, but he is a good boy other than that. He is trying hard in school. Ok so he could be trying harder but his grades are not that bad....well, other than English. I've got him in a private school, its a Christian school and he is doing well really. He is in a good environment and I know that is important to you. I have tried very hard in the last four years to make you proud of me. I hope that you are.
I guess you were there waiting for your sister when she joined you. Hug her for me and tell her that I miss her. I miss her a lot too. I haven't been very good about keeping in touch with your other sisters either. In the beginning i was, but I have allowed that to fall off. I'm sorry. I do need to be intouch with Sissy anyway.
I'll bet you were surprised when James joined you too. It's hard knowing that he and Larry are gone. I miss Larry a lot as well. You know that Margie quit having anyhting to do with me too. But you and I both know that was no big loss. Margie was upset from the day I met Nancy. Sweetie, you know that I am in a good place with Nancy, don't you? She and I are good for one another and you need to understand that. I pray that you do. So many people don't and they want to write more into it than it really is, but what they think does not bother me, you knwo that. But you have to knwo that she and I need one another and I actually feel like it was you who opened those doors for me.
Some days I can feel you with me but other days you seem so far away. I don't ever want you to be far away from me. I need to feel that you are close and can reach out and touch me when you want.
Jimmy has been busy coming to Cindy in her dreams. Won't you please talk to Jimmy and find out how that is done and come and talk to me some night? Please. It would make sleeping so much nicer if I knew that you would come to me. Jimmy has been so busy comforting Cindy. Ask him, please.
Continue to watch over us, Sweetheart. I know that you are. I will continue to make you proud and I also need you to promise me that you will help me with this business I am trying. I know that you have seen how hard it is to make it on this pitiful Social Security Braxton and I receive. You were wrong about that too, weren't you? You were wrong about a lot of things. But I lvoe you. I have never stopped loving you and missing you, even when I was angry with you.
Keep sending me the strength that I need to put one foot in front of the other each day. Help me to raise this child into a responsible adult so that one day he won't need me and i can come and join you. I don't want to have to wait forever. But a while longer here would be nice. I don't want to leave just yet. I still have work to do.
I lvoe you. And I thank you for all the years that we did have. YOu made them the happiest that I have ever had. I want you to know that and also that no one could ever take your place. I will always love you my sweet. I will always miss you too. You really have been the love of my life and always will be.
Forever........
Me
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