Another Birthday...Another Day

Today I am 52 years old. I look around and wonder where the time went. What happened to my life? I was a child and during those years I could not wait to grow up so I could be out on my own. I wanted so badly to be able to live without drinking and fighting all the time. I wanted to be able to know that I was going to have elcetricity everyday. I was chasing security. I was chasing a dream.

I am so completely unhappy at this moment. I don't know how I have ended up in this unlivable situation that I find myself in. Life just should not be this hard. My life began with insecurity, unsettled days and nights, too much uncertainty and I find that it is ending that very same way. Oh, my circumstances are some what different, but the insecurity is still there, the unsettled days and nights are still there and the overwhelming feeling of saddness and dispair that I felt as a child are still there. Or maybe I should be saying, "Once again." For there ws a time in this life of mine when things were good. There was a time when I had happiness, security and a complete feeling of contentment. But those times were all too short. In my 52 years on this earth, I can say that maybe 10 of those years were completely happy ones. The rest has been so close to horror for me that I wonder how or why I even want to go on. I feel that I am a burden to my children, an appendage to my family the they would rather not deal with and other than the looks I see on my grandchildren's faces, when I see them are the only things that brings me even a modicum of happiness.

I know that life has never been fair. I don't expect it to be abd I never have expected it to be fair. I have always felt that you get out of life just what you put in, but in my case, that has definitely not been the way it has been. It seems that I have given and given and given and gotten nothing in return for my efforts. I have worked for years, yet now when I am hurt and unable to work, the return for those years spent earning a living are not forth coming. I have given birth to 3 children and have tried very hard to give them a life as full as possible. Apparently, I failed at that. Had I done my job well, I feel like I would not be so alone now. But alone I am. Oh, I have Robbie and Braxton here but my 14 year old Braxton is still in that taking phase; where he expects everything to be handed to him and he should not have to work one bit for what he has. And then there is Robbie, who came here because he had no place else to go. Had I done my job well with him, he would not be in that situation. He would have done better in his job as a husband and a father and his marriage would have never been in the state it is now. I pushed Kelle out of her safe little nest when Bud died and she was so far from being ready. SO now her life is very hard because she was forced to grow up before she was ready. I failed her miserably. Kristi is well and happy and giving her all to her family. I am proud of the job she has done for herself. I cannot take any credit for the place my Kristi is in her life. She has done this on her own and done it well. I guess she took the role models she had in her life and decided to do just the opposite of what she was taught. She has a very good life and a very full life. I doubt she will ever find herself in the place I am at right now.

In a short sentence, "LIFE SUCKS" I don't know what purpose I serve here. I don't know why I am here. I bring no happiness to anyone. I can't think of a single reason to smile. Yes, today as I turn 52 I am having apity party I guess. Feeling very sorry for myself. I also feel as if I have a right to it. I have worked very hard in my life and the return is awful.

Another Birthday....Another Day....it's just not a good one. What a shame.