I was reading through the latest issue of AARP magazine last night and I think it finally hit me that I am over 50. Hell, I've been over 50 for more than a year now, so this should have hit me lomg before now. Fifty is nothing at all like I thought it was going to be. It's also not what I had planned for myself once I reached this age.
Years ago, when my children were small, I remember thinking that when I reached the ripe old age of 50 the world would be comfortable into the 21st century. That was hard for me to imagine way back then; but here we are. It's the 21st century, I am in my 50's so now what? I had figured that by this time in my life my financial struggles would be behind me, but in reality my financial troubles are all too real. Besides having to struggle on Social Security Disibility, I am living far away fromt he grandchildren that I was so positive would bring me constant joy. You cannot experience constant joy from 1200 miles away. I rarely see my grandchilren, The last time, in fact, was two years ago and that causes me so much pain. I have also not been able to see my children in that amount of time either. Oh, so different from what I had planned. I honestly thought that by this time in my life I would be cooking huge Sunday dinners and having the grandkids visit me enough times that I would be complaining about the mess they left. As it is now, I would give my right arm to be in the position to complain about this very fact. I really am very tired of not being able to see my kids and grandkids at whim.
At this time in my life I wanted to be cooking large dinners evry Sunday. Instead I am eating tv dinners alone or sometimes not eating at all. Braxton (my 14 year old) spends as much time in his bedroom as he can manage, although I practically beg him to sit with me and share a meal. It's just more fun in his room in front of the tv. Yeah, for him I guess it is.
So many people have just quit trying to contact me. I never hear from anyone in my husband's family anymore. I guess as far as they are concerned, I am dead also. Even his ex wife, ...yeah, she and I were great friends while he was alive, but since I moved to North Carolina, she doesn't call either. No, thats' not quite right. She and I did communicate and then I called her once and asked if Braxton and I could come and live with her. I wasn't upset at all when she told me no. In fact, I almost expected it, but ever since then it's like she does not want to talk to me either. I understand why Mark and Arlene don't talk to me. I didn;t understand it when Christy and JOn wrote me off, but I figured it was because they listened to Mark. But geeze, those are kids that I was step mother too for more than 16 years! You'd think I meant something to them. But I guess not. Oh well. I just get lonely and nostalgic sometimes. But hey, I have my friend Nancy in my life, I have Cheryl that is so good about calling me nearly every week and then there is Cindy who, although she tries to tell me how to live, and gets weird sometimes, I love her and she says she loves me. Even though I know that she feels let down by me. I tried hard not to let her down, but things happen I guess.
I just miss the kids so much. I miss not getting to see the grandkids grow up. SOme days I wish I would have thought things thru more or better. But I didn't. I made this bed, I have to live in this bed. It is hard tho. Some days I can barely keep from crying all day long. It's hard to live so poorly, it's hard to continually have to tell Braxton no and it's so hard to sit day after day at this computer tring to make a buck. I have all kinds of uplifting sayings all around me to try and keep me positive and I try and tell everyone that I am okay....but inside, I am falling apart. Inside, I hate living. Inside, I am angry at Bud for messing up my life so badly by dying and leaving me all alone. Inside,inside....inside it hurts so badly. Inside I am completely miserable. I shold send this post to Buds children., They would be so happy and so full of satisfaction to know that I am so miserable and that I do hurt so badly. They set out to make sure of it, I'd really like to let all 4 of them know that they got what they were after. I hope it brings all of them some sort of satisfaction to know that I am so lost, lonely and miserable. I guess it wasn't enough for them that the love of my life had died and left me alone. They had to make sure that I lost everything else too. Well, it happened. They made it happen. I hope they are all pleased.
I'm in pretty bad shape right now so I need to end this post and go wash the dishes.
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