Of all the lessons I have learned in my lifetime, there is one that, no matter how many times I seem to get burned, I just cannot get it through my head, no matter how many times I stick my hand into that fire. I am talking about the relationship with my sisters. Sometimes I think that these two women were put on this earth simply to drive me nuts and to make my life a living hell. The three of us seem to have a constant battle of "she said this, well she tole me that." It is impossible for the three of us to get along, no matter how hard any of us say that we are trying. There is the older one who deems herself the matriarc and mother of us all. She fancies herself as having raised my younger sister and myself single-handedly. I will admit that she did fill a huge void when we were very young and there were many nights when my parents were having a drunken brawl and my younger sister and I were terrified and she held us while we were crying, but I feel those debts have been paid in full a long time ago. We have paid her back in baby-sitting, in house cleaning, in hospital sitting and in numerous other ways throughout our lives and I don't recall myself ever once throwing any of what I have done back at her, however I can't say the same for her. I have heard many times during my lifetime of the things she has done for me, time and time again, whether large or small. There are eight years difference in our ages and only fifteen months difference between my younger sister and I. She and I grew up extremely close, a fact that drove the older one nearly crazy. She did not like being left out of that loop at all. The fact that we had nothing in common with her during the years of our young married lives seems to completely escape her. Then came the time when changes happened and my younger sister and I grew apart and the path she took was one that I did not agree with her on. I still loved her and cherished her as a sister, I just couldn't embrace her lifestyle as I am sure she felt the same about the path I was on at the time. Our lives took completely different turns. And that's when the lies began. There was not a soul in the family that could believe a thing that she said. In fact, it was common knowledge that she was the one who told anything BUT the truth. And this behavior went on for years. The farther apart she and I grew, the closer together my older sister and I grew. It seemed like our lives were moving along on the same path during this time. Our husbands were nearly the same ages and got along well and they enjoyed one anothers company and so we began spending more time with them. Years passed and I did not see my younger sister. I would talk to her on the phone, but I could tell that things were not right. I knew that some of the things she told me were lies and the funny things was that she knew that I knew it. So, for a long while we left one another alone.
I don't quite remember what happened to change this, but it did change. She and I did become friends again and when my hubby died and I moved back home she was really there for me. I have to say that if it were not for her I would have died of loniliness. But she was also playing one sister against the other as well...but I found this out a little bit too late. And I was so grief stricken that I didn't see it happening either. By the time I left town, three months later, things between my older sister and I were at a disastrous stage. We were not even speaking and I was on the verge of swing her. She had called and asked to see me and I allowed my younger sister to talk me out of going, believing that it was a set up and that she was going to have me arrested for some reason or another. So I left town without even speaking to her. I don't know that if to this day, if my older sister even believes that she told me those things. Once I came here and got settled I decided to leave them both alone and for a long while I did, with the exception of occasional holiday phone calls and visits when I would go back home. Neither of them has come to see me and when I went home only once has my older sister come to me. That was for a birthday party for my 50th, my younger didn't bother to show. Other times I have seen them, it was me going to them.
Now this latest thing. It was a phone call from my older sister to wish me a late Merry Christmas. During the phone call she asked about all my kids and also asked if Robbie was still in Texas. I told her that as far as I knew he was but that I hadn't heard from him in months. A few days later I heard from Faye and I told her about the conversation and she said, "I don't know why she would ask you about Robbie, she knows good and well that Robbie is here living with Cherie. She knows he is going into the Army this month. She saw him standing in my kitchen." Naturally, this made me furious. Then Faye called me back and told me that she asked her why she told me that and she laughed and said "I don't know, I guess I was being a bitch." Now, true to form the older sister denies the whole thing. I had another phone call from the older one telling me she was home, when in fact, she was sitting at the younger ones kitchen table repeating everything I was saying; either to try and start more shit, or to, as she says, see her face as she repeated what I said. But then the other one says that while she was on the phone she was "going about her normal house duties and not paying attention." Yeah, right! Like I believe that. Ya know, I don't tell either of these two any lies and I don't appreciate it when either of them play games and lie to me. I am sick of it! I am too old for these high school games and tired of the whole mess. This crap has been going on with these two my entire life and it is exhausting. Enough is enough already! And yet, I keep going back. I keep allowing them back into my life. I don't understand why I do it. I know that I want to be able to have a "normal" relationship with them, but i also know that this is an impossible dream, so I may as well hang it up. Just forget it and get on with my life. What I have left of life is too little for me to be dragged down and preoccupied by this crap and I have got to quit. So, right now, I am making myself this promise: As for my family, I am vowing from this moment on, that my family includes only my four children and my grandchildren. I have four of them, Brett Jacob, Jillian, Emily and Linzy. That's it! Linzy is the only one of Bud's grandkids that bothers to keep in touch with me. The rest of them have fowwed his kids and have dropped me like a bad cold. Linzy is good about staying in close touch by e-mail and never fails to tell me that she loves me. So I claim her. As much as I love Erica, her mother has poisened her against me. I won't force myself on her. I used to have great grandchildren but Melanie has also chosen to take them out of my life as well. Oh well. I can live with it. I guess you don't miss what you never really had. And I never had Coby anyway. Melissa wouldn't have that. Even if Bud would have lived, she would have taught him to call me Jan, probably. There is no love lost between Melissa and I ever since I told her off when Bud was in the hospital in Texas and she wanted me to leave to bring her car back to her. But that is petty stuff. I am tired of that family not liking me for their silly reasons, just as I am tired of fighting with my sisters over their stupid made up lies and silliness. If they want to keep this crap up, they will have to do it without me. They can fight with themselves because I quit playing their game.
Just watch!
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