I don't know so much anymore about life lessons or about wisdom; all I am sure about is that time passes, usually much too fast and things change while so much still stays the same. If you'll think about that for a minute you'll know what I mean by it. I think the changes I am talking about are the ones that come gradually. Sometimes you don't even seem to notice that the changes are taking place until you stop one day and look around and realize that your whole life is moving in a different direction or that your focus has changed. A lot of times that also simply comes with age. These days I am finding that a lot of things simply come with age. But then I am realizing that age is bothering me just a bit these days. That is probably because it is creeping up on me rapidly. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was 25.....wasn't I? How can I be 51 already? I am going to turn 52 this year and I don't know how that happened so fast. What was I doing whole the years added up so quickly? And they added up all on my face, too! That's one of the hardest parts of this aging thing to take, if you want to know the complete truth. And here I am seeing all these women on television that are my age and older who are aging so gracefully and are so active and so healthy and then her I come...all shriveled and wrinkled, walking with a cane for God's sake and moaning and groaning and aching and hurting and not being able to do squat. Hell, I can't even afford half way decent make up to hide my horrible aging. It's so disgusting and discouraging. And then sometimes I wonder, am I blaming everything on this damn disease? To be perfectly honest, this damn disease has ruined my life. I have lost out on so much because of it. Like making a decent living in the first place. Having to depent on friggin' Social Security Disability is the worst way in the world to have to live. I have thought so many times that I should just throw that pitance away and go out and get a job. But a job at doing what? Who in the owrld is going to hire a nearly 52 year old shrivled up old woman who has not worked outside the home since 1988? Any skills that I had are surely atrophied by now. I can't imagine that I could even wait tables decently. Hell, I couldn't wait tables decently when I COULD wait tables!! On my BEST day I spilled a bowl of soup all in some poor man's lap. I'd be a friggin' menace as a waitress, let's face it. And there is no way I could do secertarial work again. Get real. That is something that no business person in theor right mind would hire me to do. I wonder if I could run a cash register at a grocery store? I guess I could probably do that. But could we survive on a minumum wage job, because surely that is all that would pay. And can I even stad on my feet for that many hours a week? And look at what I would lose to do that? I have to think about the health care benefits that I have, if nothing else. Right now Braxton and I do have all our medical paid for. We don;t have anything else but we do have that. Can I afford to give that up? Only if I don;t need any more meds I can. Only if I can be assured that my kid will never be sick or hurt, I could. Gee, how can I live the rest of my life with this spinal disease and no medication? OK enough of that stupid idea. Let me go back to living on Social Security and being poor. Things will get better once Nancy and I get the house and car paid off, unless we need another car which is highly likely. But we don;t have to have much of a car payment either. So, in about four years, things should get better. Big whoop. I've lived thru worse. I just hate it. I guess I can go four years without seeing my kids and my grandkids. That's the hardest part. But I guess when it gets bad enough on the kids they will come out and see me. I hope. See, this is where my problem is right at this very moment. I am quite frankly, feeling sorry for myself. How pitiful is that? Oh woe is me! How funny I am some days. I can be so pitiful. And I really have no reason to be pitiful. I honestly have much to be thankful and happy for, let's face it. Come on, old girl, you really are very blessed, you are just too wrapped up in yourself to see it at this moment. But if I were completely honest with myself, I would tell myself that ever since the day that Bud died I have been walking around feeling sorry for me. I should be so ashamed of myself.
I had a little more than sixteen good years with that man. He loved me in the only way he knew how to love and he did a good job of it. I wanted for very little. He was very attentive. He tried so hard to give me all of my heart's desires and he tried hard to keep me as happy as he could. I came first with him more times than not. Bud really was the man of my dreams and there are so many women who can never say that they had that many years with the man of their dreams. So in that respect right there, I have much to be grateful and blessed for. I lost him early, yes. But the time we did have together was good. If I weigh all of it out, we had so many more good years than bad ones and as I look back on it I don't even remember the bad times. It's only the good that sticks out in my memory. And that's as it should be. I can remember him now and smile, instead of cry like I did for so very long. And I am not alone now. I am blessed with a sweet friend and companion. I have a caring, loving relationship that never causes me a minute's grief. I know that I always come first and when it comes right down to it, things are always done my way. I couldn't ask for better than that. There is no bickering and arguing in our home. There is no petty jealousy. I have never once sat here and wondered when the door was going to open, or if I was going to be left alone for dinner. I have a constant companion. And if I choose to, I am able to come and go as I please. I have the best of all worlds. Yes, I am blessed and I have much to be thankful for. Most importantly, I know without any doubt, that I am loved. Everyone needs to know that they are loved. We all need to feel love and we all need to have love in our lives, no matter where it comes from. And I have that. So why do I think that I have a right to feel sorry for myself? Because I was treated badly after Bud died, by his children? Hoiw stupid am I? This is something that I knew was going ot happen years before it actually took place. I knew that Mark was going to be as ugly as he was. I knew that Arlene was going to turn on me. I knew that Christy and Jon were going to ignore me and act as if I never existed. I knew every bit of this and even told Bud that it would happen. So why was I so surprised when it actually happened exactly the way that I said would? And why have I had so much trouble accepting and getting over the way I have been treated? I have acted no better than the four of them have in reality because I have NOT gotten over it and I have NOT been able to take it all in stride. I think it is time that I told myself to simply, "GET A GRIP!" It really is time to move on and forget them.
Since this is the beginning of a new year I believe that this is the perfect time to put all of this behind me once and for all. I think it is time for me to move ahead and quit looking back. I really do need to get on with my life. I think that I have to let Bud and his children go. I know that I will be better for it and after all, isn't that what counts now? Braxton and I are the ones that are left here to carry on. We are the ones that have to pick up the pieces and go on, so he and I are the two people that matter more than anyone else. Certainly we are more important than Bud is because he is no longer here. So I have got to see to it that Braxton and I are taken care of first and foremost. So, right now, this minute I am making a vow....a promise....to put my son and I FIRST, TO FORGET THE PEOPLE WHO LEFT THE TWO OF US BEHIND, TO FORGET THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SET OUT TO HURT AND DESTROY. The past is the past and I have got to bury the past along with Bud. I loved him so very much and there was so much about the past that I loved as well. But there were also things about the past that I was not so crazy about. Now I don;t have to deal with any of it any longer.
WOW! What a soul cleansing!! Honestly, that's exactly what I feel like at this minute....like I have cleaned out my very soul. What a great feeling! Lord, please help me to stay on this very productive high. I did not come here to hurt anyone...I honestly do not think that I did, but if hurt was any ulterior motive, please help me to aknowledge it and then to get rid of it. I don't want to carry any bitterness with me as a result of my precious Bud. I never again want to cry because it is over. I only want to remember him and smile......BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.
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