Bloodlines

When I was a child my younger sister and I were so very close to one another it was almost as if we were an extension of one another. I guess with the horrible childhood we had, there were times when we clung to one another and I know that if I didn't have her while I was growing up I would have surely died. And while I also needed my older sister at the same time, we were in no way as close as Faye and I were. And then came the day that it went bad. I can almost remember the very day that it happened, too. It seems like one day we were there for one another and then the next day everything fell apart. It no longer matters why it only matters that it happened and it's lasted for most of our adult lives. And during this time the relationship between the three of us sisters has been so hard to maintain most of the time. It's always been a love hate thing with all three of us. There have been times that I have wondered if Mama were alive if things would be so hard between us. So many times we have all said that we are all that we have and that we have to stay close and that there is no reason for the way that we act and yet we still cannot seem to get along. One of us seems to always be trying to undermine the other one. There is always one of us telling another one of us one lie of some kind or playing some kind of game that ends up hurting the other one. It has always been that only two of us can be friends at a time. It's either Faye and Barbara against Jan, or Jan and Faye against Barbara, or Barbara and Jan against Faye or...well, you get the idea. It's a completely rediculous way for three grown women to act when you get right down to it.

For the past fifteen years or so I have not had a lot to do with either of them. I have lived off in another state away from the two of them and quite frankly I have liked it that way, although I have hated living away from my kids. The only bonus has been that I have not had to put up with my sisters. For the three months that I did live back in New Orleans after bud died I nearly lost my mind with the two of them, although Faye was my saving grace, Barbara nearly caused me to literally lose my mind after she had helped me tremendously while I was staying with her before I found my own apt. But as soon as I moved into my own place she began acting as if I were the enemy for some strange reason. Well, I say it is for some strange reason but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is because of a drug problem she has. In reality we are all addicted to pain killers. Me because of a spinal disease, Faye because of repeated back surgeries and now because she has a touch of the same disease and Barbara because she wants to be. That is a sad situation. She has lost husband number two and now she is determinded to destroy herself because she is angry at the world. And in the process of destroying herself she is trying to take as many people as possible with her. But I have decided that she is not taking me along with her, no matter what.

After quite a long time, I finally touched base with Faye today and I have to say that I enjoyed talking to her so very much. She was so much like her old self and I realized that this is the sister that I miss so much. But I can never seem to count on her to stay this way. It seems like that as soon as I begin to trust her to be this sister she tells me some huge lie and the shit starts all over again. My problem now is how to keep from being sucked in again while I have a relationship with her that I so desperately want. And I know that if I begin a relationship with her Barbara is going to get jealous and start her campaign to undermine it in some way. It happens everytime. It always does. And no matter how ready I seem to be for it, I can't protect myself from what I know will happen. So, what do I do? Do I just forget trying to have any relationship with my little sister for the rest of my life? She and I are both in our 50's. We are Grandmother's for God's sake. Surely, you would think we could act like adults at this time in our lives, wouldn't you? And yet I wounder. I know that Barbara is not capeable of it. Faye told me tonight on the phone that Barbara is convinced, even tho she is healthy, that she is dying and so she has decided that she wants to go out loaded, like a complete idiot junkie. So, I know there is no hope for her or for a relationship. I don' even want one with her. In fact, all I want to do where she is concerned is to cuss her out for the things she told me on the phone when she called me the other day and I am going to in the next day or so. She saw Robbie at Faye's a couple of days before Christmas and probably even asked him if he had talked to me, which he would have told her no if he were telling the truth, and when she called me she asked me if I had heard from Robbie and was he still in Texas, instead of telling me that she has seen him at Faye's. Now, why would she have done that if not to just be mean? Why would she have just wanted to rub it in my face that Christmas had come and gone and she wanted to remind me that I had not heard from my own son? What a mean vicious woman she is and I plan on telling her so. She has the unmittigated gall to say, "I love you" to me and then to do something like that to me. I am going to tell her to never call me again, that I don't care to hear from her. The only time I hear from her is when she is loaded anyway and I am going to tell her that too. She calls me last summer to ask me if I want to go on a cruise with she and Faye knowing FULL WELL that I could not afford a cruise, but do you think she would have offered to pay my way when we all know she could have easily afforded it? Oh hell no! She also knew that I had no money for Christmas and what in the world could a person buy a 13 year old from the dollar store and yet she asks me if I couldn't have gone to the dollar store for my kid! Would she have gone for her kid? No she would have never insulted hers that way. When braxton was a baby she wanted to be his grandmother. But she only wanted the glory. She never wanted the responsibility of doing anything for him. A grandmother's job is for life and she takes that responsibility seriously. But Barbara is not like that. It never occured to her to call and see if he had what he needed or even if he had anything. Yet she is so quick to throw in my face what she has done for me in my life.

This was not supposed to be a "bitch about Barbara post." It was supposed to be a post about how good it felt to be in touch with Faye again and how much I wanted that relationship to continue and hopefully to grow again and to get back on track. Now that the two of us are older and hopefully have more sense and are more mature you would think that we can handle it. I am praying so anyway. As for my older sister, that is a lost cause and I am going to forget about it. I don;t have the energy that she takes. That is sad, too. And I am so sorry that it has to be that way. But it does. That's just the way things are sometimes. You pick your friends, not your family, sadly.