The things in the news that have been bugging me are mainly the things that bug most people...the state of this country and whats going on in our world. I've been reading in the news about how the House of Representatives has only scheduled something like 91 days in session this year. At first it made me very angry, thinking about how lazy our government is. Then this morning as soon as I woke up I had sort of an ephany about this very issue; with them only spending 91 days in session, it gives them that much less time to screw things up. So it can be a good thing. Our government is pretty piss porr, ya know? They are also wanting to pass some kind of cock-a mammie legislation that will shut people's blogs down something like 60 days before and 30 days after a major election. If my 4th grade history class taught me anything it taught me that we have basic freedoms guaranteed us by The Constitution of The United States of America. The first amendment to this Constitution states that we be guaranteed the freedom of speech and that includes the freedom of press. Our blogs constitute press. Come on, guys, you can't shut us down. No matter what kind of spin you put on it, you are still violating our basic rights. You know, since this president came into office some five years ago, he has broken more laws, violated more of our God given rights and freedoms, and stripped us of more dignity than we realize and he has had the audasity to do all of this right under our noses and do it in the name of God! It infuriates me that we continue to allow him to get away with it day after day. Oh, in the beginning I was one of the poor, stupid, blind idiodic people who were on his band wagon. I thought his talk of "family values" and bringing this nation back to the Lord were good things. I even thought that having Mr. Kerry in office was going to be bad for our country. Oh, how stupid I was. Mr. Bush has duped us all. And not once but twice he has pulled the wool over our eyes and done a very good job of it. The second time he got us to elect him to office he used scare tactics to do it. He actually has nearly an entire nation of otherwise intelligent people thinking that if we did not vote for him that we would most likely be attacked on our own soil once again by terriosts! And as a nation, we bought it. Only to learn after that fact that before 911 Mr. Bush himself knew about the threats to the towers and he sat back and did nothing because he wanted it to happen. It fell right into his plans, so that he could go to war, so that eventually we can build a military base in Iraq. That's the whole reason that he is sacrificing the lives of our innocent young men and women in the God forsaken country, thousands of miles away from their families. If this war is so justified and if he believes in it so damn much, why doesn't he send his daughters over there to fight? Other families have their daughters over there. How cme the Bush girls are not over there? I'll tell you why. He is not about to sacrifice the lives of his daughters on a war the he knows that he cannot win, on a war that he knows that he has no plans to get out of. We are trapped with no plan for withdrawal. He tells us that we cannot pull out. Of course we cannot pull out. He has no plan for it! He does not know how. He is in over his head and now he has no idea what to do, so day after day he sits back and watches more and more of our young people sacrifice their lives and all he can do is try and figure out ways to cover up the injured, that he keeps out of the news. We do not hear about the thousands that are hurt and maimed for life each day. He can't keep the death tolls away from us, but he's figured out how to keep the injured lists hidden. Some states are trying to impeach him. He should not be impeached, he should be brought up on charges! I watch him on telivision with is fake smiles and he makes me sick. I have figured out that the bigger he smiles, the bigger lie he is telling. I only get satisfaction in knowing that he is running scared in this election year, knowing that his Republican held Congress is about to be a thing of the past. Oh yes, I could be wrong and it is possible that the Republicans could be re-elected, but I seriously doubt it. I have a feeling that if Mickey Mouse were running on the Democratic or even the Independent ticket that they would get elected over a Republican. What so you think? I know I wouldn't vote for a Republican even if his name were the greatest Republican President we have had in recent history, Mr. Ronald Reagan.
Now, I think I am going to move on to some of the other stuff that's on my mind and bugging me. I am kinda tired of the politics thing. Besides, too much of that just might get me red flagged by the commies that my tax dollars go to pay some idiot to sit and read this stuff. Can you imagine? Oh well. Anyway, if they are reading, then do something about the pitiance I get paid as a disabled widow, will ya'? It's criminal that I have to try and raise a child on eleven hundred bucks a month. You have any idea what a 14 year old boy eats? He can eay 800 of that in a month and that's no exaggeration.
I am sick and tired of the cold weather. It seems like it's been cold forever. I want to go outside. I want to dig in the dirt. I want to walk outside. I want to open the windows and clean the house. I want to wear shorts and t-shirts. I am tired of sweaters and long pants. I am tired of having to bundle up and hearing the heater run. I am tired of huge electric bills because of the heater running all the time. It's the end of March and if I were home (home still being New Orleans) I would be living in warm weather by now.
And that's another thing....Is New Orleans always going to be home to me? I left there in 1986 and moved to South Carolina with Bud. We stayed there until he died in 2004 and then I did go back home. I stayed for 3 months until I nearly lost my mind and all my money as well. Then I got close to Nancy and moved here to North Carolina with her. I've been here since October of 2004 and basically hating the weather ever since. It's pretty much the same as SC weather only just a tad cooler. I was never real crazy about the weather in SC but at least being with Bud made it bearable. Being here with Nancy is the only thing that keeps me here, too. But one day I would really like to be able to live where I want to live, ya know. I want to be with my grandkids. I want to be able to see my kids, too. Here, all I have is Nancy and Braxton. I have no friends, no family. Other than Nancy and Braxton, I have basically no one. I get lonely a lot. I feel alone a lot. I cover my miserable a lot. And some days I just feel like that at nearly 52 years old it should be my turn. When is it going to be my turn? I thought that when Bud died it was going to be my turn. But then I went and did something really stupid and because of that, it's still not my turn because I have someone else to consider. Don't misunderstand. I like my life with nancy....most days. But then there are times that I feel cheated because I don;t want to have to consider her. I want to be able to live where I want to live. I want to be able to do what I want to do. But as long as I choose to have another person in my life I can't have it both ways. This is a Life Lesson. One I should have learned before now. But I always have been a very slow learner. I could write a book on things that I have learned since I turned 50. Yep, it's enough to fill a book.
I'm just in the dumper today, or can ya tell? But then there are a lot of days lately that I am in the dumper. My life has pretty much gone downhill ever since Bud died. I still have no purpose except to exist. Well, I do have to get Braxton raised, but basically he is pretty much dragging himself up. I am just providing him with a place to live, clean clothes and a roof over his head. I do guide him in the right direction, but I am not really raising him. Bud would not be very proud of me. I have not put much effort into him. I have no purpose, no motovation, no energy, no zest for life, no nothing really. I know that I have to find these things inside of myself and I'm trying to get started on the journey. There are times when I think that I have begun and then I lose it. Some days I think that I am doing so well and then I wake up one day and it's like WHAM! I've hit a brick wall and all the wind is gone out of my sails.
I know this filthy house has got me so upset. I've cleaned it and cleaned it, but then when I can't get any help keeping it that way, or the very nect day it looks like a hurricane went thru it, I get discouraged and quit. I had it so clean and looking so good. I had taken one room at a time and was down to the last room and then the room I started on was a disaster again and it was like a vicisious circle and I got no help. I was waiting on Nancy hand and foot, taking care of Braxton, running all the errands, generally just wearing myself out. Finally, I got discouraged, run down and completely worn out. I quit. And now this house shows it. Once again I am sitting in a filthy house and I am going to be the one who ends up cleaning it. But I am still so discouraged that I don't have the motovation. Before I got it the last time I had to start another blog titled dirty house dot com before I could make myself do anything! I think it's pitiful to have to advertise your filthy house before you can make your self do anything about it.
I just need to get control of my life once and for all. Here I am trying to help Cindy put her life together and i can't even control my own. How am I supposed to be of any help to her? And my friend needs me so badly. The last thing I want to do is to let her down. She was certainly there for me when I needed her so badly. My only regret is not listening to her. But then I didn;t listen to anyone, except myself and I wasn't capable of making a decision as to weather I should go to the bathroom ornot and here I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life. Screwed it up too, is what I did. I just wonder if there is any way now to repair the damage that I did. Cindy says that there is. Kristi says that there is. But I am not so sure. Not without destroying other lives and I am not up for that. I've messed up my own life, I sure don;t want to mess up anyone else's life. I'd be messing up Nancy's life, first and she doesn't deserve that. I'd be messing up Braxton's life and he can't handle anymore. I have moved that kid around too much already. If I keep that up he is going to stage a mutiny and I could not blame him for that. Poor kid has had so many problems since his Dad has died and all I have done is add to them with my own. I have no business dumping on him the way I have. I give him too much credit sometimes and not enough at other times. I guess I really am the most messed up woman on the planet, huh? I definitly feel like it. There are plenty of days that I act like it too.
What a post. This one should get me committed. Ya' think?
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