False Teeth

I couldn't wait to have what was left of those rotten, broken teeth pulled out of my mouth. My mother had died from complications of oral cancer and I definitly did not want that happening to me, so as soon as I had the chance to have those teeth gone and dentures made for me, I was ready! I looked forward to the appointment to have them pulled without the usual fear and dread that usually comes with any dental appointment for me. This was one I had been waiting for. Naturally, the dr's office cancelled this anticipated appointment and rescheduled it for something like a month later, I could have spit. But I waited, and waited. Finally, the day dawned and I was up and dressed with the sun.

Peggy had to drive me because Nancy had just had an angiogram only days before and was not yet up to a long drive, so bless Peggy's heart, she was willing to step in and help. Peggy is always more than willing to help, all we have to do is ask and most times she offers as soon as she knows one of us is in need. Anyway, Peggy showed up in plenty enough time to drive me to Raleigh to the appointment, which took practically the entire day. By the time I came out, my mouth was packed with gauze, I was groggy and hurt like the devil. But I had not a tooth in my head. I didn't know weather ot be happy or sad. I remember that for the next two days I was completely out of it. Nancy told me that I would come too every now and then, take more pain meds and go back to sleep. People called but I didn't remember right away. It was days later and I asked Nancy if so and so called and then she would tell me the story. It was during one of those days that Margaret called me and told me about her hysterectomy that she was about to have, but then the next time she called I didn't even remember enough to ask how she was until she brought it up. I was so embarrassed!

After about a week to ten days I was just about healed up enough to where the swelling was gone, but I did not want to go out in public! In fact I was not about to go anywhere. It was May, I had signed up earlier in the year to teach Vacation Bible School. I had scheduled things to where I would have my dentures by the time school started, which was the first week in July and my dentures would be ready by the last of June. I had plenty of time. I was spending my time so far learning to toughen up my gums so that the dentures would not bother them and figuring out what I could eat. I was beginning to get rather tires of Instant Breakfasts and soggy cereal. I was beginning to dream about salads and steaks.

After 4 weeks it was time for me to go and have impressions taken. I remember hearing my Gramma say that she was always much more comfortable without her teeth and for the life of me I could not understand that one. I was just about to lose my mind with no teeth. I felt naked, like i had gone out without my underwear or something equally as important. I could not wait for some teeth and was so excited just for the "impression" appointment. No one told me what to expect and so all I had to go on was my own imagination and the vague instructions of the dentist. He and his assistantwent to work and looked inside my mouth and looked at one another and one of them said, "Let's try a 4." The other one said, "That's what I was thinking." I had no idea what a 4 was, but now I am thinking that maybe a 3 or a 5 would have been more in order, depending on which way the sizes went. Anyway, they pulled these metal things out that looked vaguely like dentures, only without the teeth, out and smeared some pink looking goo on them and told me to quickly open my mouth and then to bite down as hard as I could. What they failed to tell me was that this stuff tasted like dog poo and that it was going to spew all over my mouth. I nearly gagged to death! I just knew I was going to barf all over this doc and his nurse, and he was not too sure I wasn't. I nearly scared the dog poo out of him! OK first one finally done. Shew! Thank God that's over. Uh Oh, what's this? Another one? You gotta be kidding! Then I hear the doc say, "Open your mouth, quickly!" "Nope." I shook my head. "Come on, I"m not kidding! This stuff is getting hard!" I guess it was the tone of his voice that made me know he was serious because before I thought twice or knew what I did, I had my mouth open and he had shoved this baby home and as fast as he did, this gal started gagging. And I do mean gagging! Honey, I was letting loose with the mother of all gags and this time he knew for sure my cookies were landing in my lap and all over his shoes. "That's it! We have enough." And he pulled that crap out, thank you very much. Naturally we did not get a very good impression on the top, since that was the one that he did last, but oh well, shit happens, I suppose. After I got all that goo glue out of my mouth, a feat much easier said than done as it took me at the very least a good 10 minutes, I looked up at him as sweetly as I could and said, "I have a very overactive gag reflex." To which he replied, "No kidding." The good part of this visit, yes there was a good part, I could come back in one week for my first fitting! I could not wait.

The next week when I went back they had the cutest set of pink waxed teeth ready for me that you have ever seen! And if memory serves, they fit pretty well, too. A small slice here and a small slice there and wallah! We had us a pretty good fit. I think they were ready for their first firing, or whatever it is they call it when they put the porcelan on it and harden everything. See us next week! The next week, I had teeth that looked like teeth, but the fit was way off, so we had to send them back. No problem though. Time was still on my side and as long as they had them ready the next week, I could pick them up the day before Bible school started.

I went back the following week. I was ready to pick those babies up. Guess what? The lab screwed up. Yep, you got it, no teeth for me. They would not be ready for another week. I cried, I bitched, I moaned and I begged. Nothing. I told them I could not teach pre-schoolers without teeth. That was impossible! I had this dentist feeling so badly for me that he called the lab while I was there and begged for me. He got nowhere. I left with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and I continued crying and feeling sorry for myself all the way home. And home is nearly two hours away! Poor Nancy. She had to listen to me bitch and moan all that way. She should have thrown me out! But true to form, she let me go on and on and on as she usually does.

That weekend, Nancy's kid, Ashley came to stay. Ash is 10 and sometimes a little too smart for her own good. She has a way sometimes of remembering what I tell her and using it on me at just the right time. On Sunday morning I was not wanting to go to church without teeth. I was embarassed and didn't want anyone to see me. Ashley looked at me so innocently and remembered something I had told her about kids at school teasing her about her weight, and she took my exact words and threw them right back at me. Words now that I can't quite remember well enough to quote, but they were some wise, knowing phrases that I could not say anything too, nor was there anything I could do but get my purse and Bible and head out the door. I had a true "out of the mouths of babes" moment. I also thought at that moment, "be careful what you say, you never know when it might come back and bite you in the butt!" And on Monday evening I was also ready to teach Vacation Bible School, teeth or no teeth. I nearly fell over when not one of those kids even noticed that I had no teeth, or if they did not one of them said one word. I learned a lot during that week of being toothless, and vanity was the least of it.

The next week finally got here, though and we were scheduled to leave for New Orleans on the 3rd of July. Nothing was going to stop me from getting my teeth and nothing was going to delay this trip. I was adamant! I have no idea what I thought I was going to do if they were not ready, but I was determinded that they were going to be. I fissed and I cussed for the nearly 2 hour drive there letting Nancy and Ashley know just what I was going to do if my teeth were not ready. How in the world anybody could stand being without teeth was beyond me. This had been the worst 8 weeks of my life and I could not take one more day of it. I was ready for a salad and by God I was going to get my teeth and go and get the biggest and best salad I have ever eaten! I had been tasting this salad for 3 weeks at least! It was nearly impossible to sit still in the waiting room. Finally they called my name and I nearly ran down that hall and into the exam room. The dr. finally came in and was as happy to see me as I was to see him and with him he had my beautiful white teeth. They were exquisite. I thought I had never seen anything lovlier in my entire life and I could not wait to get those babies in my mouth. I told him to break out the Super Glue because I was never going to take them out. He calmly explained that was not a good idea and told me that I would definitly change my mind in about 24 hours and would definitly need a rest from them. I told him that I seriously doubted it. He showed me how to clean them and what to soak them in. Yeah, like they were going to be out of my mouth long enough to soak. Sure, doc, you go on and have fun, though. So, I sat and I listened nearly salavating with the excitement to get my hands on them. (Or should I say lips?) Finally, he was ready, I was ready; all systems were go; it was finally time to slip those beautiful things inside my waiting mouth to my begging gums. "Please give me my teeth," I could almost hear my gums yelling in my ears. He was leaning over me and putting them in, first the bottom and then the top. "How does that feel?" He asked me. It felt like I had a mouth full of rocks but I couldn't tell him that because I hadn't yet figured out how to speak. He looked at me again and said, "Say six, seven, eight." I looked at him and said, "thith, thebeth, ate." "Not bad," he told me. But I knew he was lying. I could have cried right there. I thought to myself, "I can't talk! Oh my Gawd, I can't talk! What in the hell am I going to do now?" "Calm down," he told me, like he heard me thinking. "It will get better. You just need to practice. I tell all of my patience to go home and read a magazine out loud. By the time you finish you'll be speaking perfectly. Don't worry about a thing. Wait let me adjust this one thing." I was devistated. The top plate kept falling out, so he put some glue on it which helped but it tasted like paste, nasty paste. But somehow I left smiling, promising to come back if there was a problem. A problem? I already had so many problems, but here it was nearly 2:00 on the day they were ready to close early for the 4th of July holiday, we wanted to get ready to leave on our trip as well, so any problem would just have to wait, I decided.

I had also decided all was not lost I was still going to get my salad. So off we went in search of a whopper of a salad. After much searching and a near fatal car accident we settled on Golden Corral because of the large salad bar and I built a salad fit for a king. Boy was that a salad. I bet I had everything on there that they had on that bar plus stuff I got off of another bar! I crammed it on, but then I was one hungry woman, too! I sat down and got as comfortable as I could considering the temperature in the joint was about 30 degrees; I don't know what they were trying to prove there. Anyway, I took my first bite that I had been waiting weeks and weeks for and as soon as I started to chew, OUT came the bottom plate and then OUT came the top plate and there I sat with my teeth in my hand full of salad. The tears started falling before I could stop them and I jumped up and took off for the bathroom. And I stood there at the sink with dentures in hand. What was I supposed to do with this mess? They had little pieces of lettuce sticking out from the front of them and this gooey stuff all over the backs...and it was all getting all over the place! Right then and there I was ready to ditch the entire mess, but instead I turned on the water and washed the salad out of my teeth as best as I could while trying not to wash all the gooey stuff off. I did, after all, want them to stick again. After I got them washed off I did try and stick 'em back in place again, as best I could, but all the while I was holding in the tears. The entire scene was so sad it was funny and I really was happy no one was in there watching me. OK, I got 'em in, all the water is wiped off my chin and I don;t look too worse for the wear. Maybe I can go back out there and figure out what do do with this mountain of salad I had made. I went in, sat down and looked at it. Nancy and Ashley looked at me. I looked up and begged them not to ask one question and by my look, they knew just what I was asking, so they didn't. I made a stab or two at an olive trying very hard to control the trembling in my chin. That's when I noticed how cold it was in the restaurant. Were they hanging meat in the dining room, or what? I mean I knew it was July, but that was outside, was there any reason for the temperature in here to be at 30 degrees? My God, it was awful! And the longer I sat the colder I got and the colder I got the more I tensed my body, and the more I tensed, the more I began to hurt. Oh what I vicious cycle I was in. In about 5 minutes I was going to be in real trouble when my body became a trembling pretzel totally incapeable of moving because of the intense cold. But then you would have to understand what happens to me when I get cold. I just can't take it. Pull my eyelashes out one by one while you are setting my toenails on fire, but DON'T make me cold.

~~~~~~~~~Several Months Have Passed~~~~~~~~~

And I have come to the conclusion that I hate false teeth. I looked forward to having dentures for the past ten years or so. I was so determinded that I was going to be able to wear these babies and I was positive that those people who said that they were more comfortable without their dentures were crazy people. Consider me a card carrying member of the crazy people's organization. I have tried and tried and tried some more. I have done everything I can think of and even some things that I haven't thought of yet...none of it has worked. I hate my teeth. When I put them in I can't talk. I can't eat. I can't smoke and I can't even drink coffe without dribbling it down my front. All, however, is not lost. I'm actually going to give this superdentist guy one more shot at getting them right. If he doesn't do it this time I am personally going to take these things and this dentist who promised me faithfully that I would be oh so happy with these choppers and shove them right where the sun don't shine and then sit back and watch him walk peacefully into the sunset, never to be seen or heard from again. Oh sweet revenge. Wouldn;t that be fun, just once?