More Life Changes

B raxton and I moved back to New Orleans toward the end of June. We are living with Kristi and Brett. And although things were rocky in the beginning, now, I could not be happier. I know that Braxton has not been this happy since before Bud died. He is thriving. He is doing well in school, so far. He is finally getting to play football, like he has said he wanted to do for the last few years. I have had the opportunity to spend a few weeks with Cheryl and even Faye and I are reconnecting. It's been wonderful. The only problem that i have right now is Nancy. I feel so bad for her. I know that she is lonely and she says that she can understand that I needed to be with my family, however, everytime we talk she does her dead level best to make me feel like an even bigger jerk than what I feel. We were talking on the computer this morning and almost every other word she typed was about how worthless she is, how lonely she is, how miserable. Then she asked me if I realized that I had been gone for something like 12 weeks, 4 days 7 hours and 24 minutes....something like that, but my point is that she had it down to the minute. And the more i begged her to stop the more she kept it up and then would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I said I was going ot stop. But she wouldn;t. So I finally had to go before I lost my mind. I want to talk to her but I can't do it when she is like that. She says she wants me to be happy yet she does whatever she can to make me feel guilty. I feel awful when I say things like I have to protect myself, but I have to. Mama tells me that I am supposed to be celebrating my happiness and that she is trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad. Mama is probably right, too. And I cannot let her do it to me. She is making me feel guilty for being happy. I can't talk about the kids because hse has some remark to make. I can't talk about being busy because she has some remark to make. There is nothing i can talk about that she does not have some answer designed to make me feel even worse than I already do.
And I have had ENOUGH! My life has been miserable for far too long. I have got to quit.

What's With the Comments?

OK, Bloglines, what's up with all of these ridiculous comments, advertising crap? The last place I actually thought that spammers could post was on someone's blog, for gods sake! If you guys can't find some way to keep the spammers out, I'll have to get rid of these blogs I have here. And I loved this site. But the stupid advertising, left as "comments" stink! I guess we have to put up with aggravation from all over the place. We are invaded in our homes via the telephone by telemarketers and advertisers, we are now invaded on our blogs by the garbage. I guess my next step is to make it impossible for people to leave comments. That's really ashame too. But, I suppose if I don;t want to have to delete a crap load of so called "comments" each time I come here, I have 2 choices. Get rid of the blog or stop all comments. Ya' know what? I think I'll just put a stop to all the comments right now.
Note to SPAMMERS....YOU PEOPLE SUCK! TRUST ME...THE INTERNET COMMUNITY HATES YOU AND DOES NOT BUY YOUR CRAP WHEN YOU INVADE ON PEOPLE! GO AWAY!

Sunday, After Thanksgiving 2006

Having all 4 of my kids together was the greatest thing that has happened for me since Rob's cleaned up his act. I have Kristi to thank for making this Thanksgiving perfect for me. She drove allthe way here, stopping to pick Kelle up along the way, footed the entire bill for everything while she was here, worked her butt off while she was here ans then drove back, taking Kelle back home as well. I enjoyed Jilly and Brett Jacob to the max, but especially Jill. Brett stayed pretty close to braxton the whole time he was here. Jilly was right with me, though, even helping in the kitlchen preparing dinner. She picked chicken off the bone, which amazed me the most that the job was not too gross for her. She washed dishes, doing a good job. She also learned how to use the potato peeler!
Kristi has done an awesome job with her kids. They were well behanved, well mannered and listened to what they were told. They did not argue nor did they fight among themselves, they were very loving toward one another. Kristi is very patient with them. She's a wonderful mom. I always knew she would be.
Kelle slept most of the time while she was here. The rest of the time she spent pretty close to Rob. Thos two....'nuff said.
Naturally, I cried when they left. I tried not too but there was no way I could help it. I was not near ready for them to leave. I have no idea when I will see them next. Each visit to me is seeming like it will be the last.
Being around them all reminds me what I am missing and how much I iave failed them all. I realize how useless I am, how miserable I am. I've turned into the very thing that I have always feared most; a life if sitting and stagnating, with no purpose; my daddy and Alan. I alway said that if I ever got like that for someone to please shoot me. I am them. I need Direction and Purpose. I need to be needed. I have allowed my disease to take over...again. I am becoming Arachnoiditis.

There is a huge lesson here--I just have to figure out what it is.

Tied of Life Sucking!

Living like this is getting very tiresome. No matter how hard we try each month, the money just willnot stretch from one check until the next. I am so tired of living broke that I cannot stand it any longer! There has got to be some way to make things work. I just don't know how. None of it seems very fair to me. I've been given this horrible disease by a freekin doctor, so I can't work. I've been made a widow and had everything taken from me by my husband's children. I have no home of my own, no car, no bank account and am expected to live on the pitance that the government says should be enough. I'd love to see any one of them try and raise a child on a thousand dollars a month. I dare any one of them to try it. OK so, I piss money away on cigarettes. My one vise, my one luxury. I don't go any place but to the doctor's office every three months. I have quit getting my haircut, I don't eat out. My pleasure comes from the internet, blogging and reading e-mails from my friends in my arach support group. I do not travel to see my children and grand children. I have no friends here. Basically, life pretty much sucks and for two weeks of every month I am scrapping pennies just to have a freekin cup of coffee! I've had it!
I have an Internet job that I know full well is going to screw up the few benefits that I do have, but what am I supposed to do? Trust me, this Internet gig does not pay a whole hell of a lot because I still can't make it from pay check to paycheck! The holidays are upon us and I don't know what the hell I amn going to do. I have a kid here who is expecting somethng under atree that I cannot afford to buy and I'm having trouble putting groceries on the damn table. But I am not supposed ot be angry either. I am 52 years old, broke and disabled and cannot take care of myself. Oh yeah, life is just toomuch fun for me. I am sick and tired of being angry and broke. I am sick and tired of hating life. I am sick and tired of feeling used and abused. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My daughters are coming today and I don;t have anything to feed them once they get here. I have to rely on my kid to buy Thanksgiving dinner. This makes me feel so good, let me tell you. Wonder why life sucks? Wonder why I don;t want to get dressed or even get off my ass for that matter?

Another Birthday...Another Day

Today I am 52 years old. I look around and wonder where the time went. What happened to my life? I was a child and during those years I could not wait to grow up so I could be out on my own. I wanted so badly to be able to live without drinking and fighting all the time. I wanted to be able to know that I was going to have elcetricity everyday. I was chasing security. I was chasing a dream.

I am so completely unhappy at this moment. I don't know how I have ended up in this unlivable situation that I find myself in. Life just should not be this hard. My life began with insecurity, unsettled days and nights, too much uncertainty and I find that it is ending that very same way. Oh, my circumstances are some what different, but the insecurity is still there, the unsettled days and nights are still there and the overwhelming feeling of saddness and dispair that I felt as a child are still there. Or maybe I should be saying, "Once again." For there ws a time in this life of mine when things were good. There was a time when I had happiness, security and a complete feeling of contentment. But those times were all too short. In my 52 years on this earth, I can say that maybe 10 of those years were completely happy ones. The rest has been so close to horror for me that I wonder how or why I even want to go on. I feel that I am a burden to my children, an appendage to my family the they would rather not deal with and other than the looks I see on my grandchildren's faces, when I see them are the only things that brings me even a modicum of happiness.

I know that life has never been fair. I don't expect it to be abd I never have expected it to be fair. I have always felt that you get out of life just what you put in, but in my case, that has definitely not been the way it has been. It seems that I have given and given and given and gotten nothing in return for my efforts. I have worked for years, yet now when I am hurt and unable to work, the return for those years spent earning a living are not forth coming. I have given birth to 3 children and have tried very hard to give them a life as full as possible. Apparently, I failed at that. Had I done my job well, I feel like I would not be so alone now. But alone I am. Oh, I have Robbie and Braxton here but my 14 year old Braxton is still in that taking phase; where he expects everything to be handed to him and he should not have to work one bit for what he has. And then there is Robbie, who came here because he had no place else to go. Had I done my job well with him, he would not be in that situation. He would have done better in his job as a husband and a father and his marriage would have never been in the state it is now. I pushed Kelle out of her safe little nest when Bud died and she was so far from being ready. SO now her life is very hard because she was forced to grow up before she was ready. I failed her miserably. Kristi is well and happy and giving her all to her family. I am proud of the job she has done for herself. I cannot take any credit for the place my Kristi is in her life. She has done this on her own and done it well. I guess she took the role models she had in her life and decided to do just the opposite of what she was taught. She has a very good life and a very full life. I doubt she will ever find herself in the place I am at right now.

In a short sentence, "LIFE SUCKS" I don't know what purpose I serve here. I don't know why I am here. I bring no happiness to anyone. I can't think of a single reason to smile. Yes, today as I turn 52 I am having apity party I guess. Feeling very sorry for myself. I also feel as if I have a right to it. I have worked very hard in my life and the return is awful.

Another Birthday....Another Day....it's just not a good one. What a shame.