Sunday, After Thanksgiving 2006

Having all 4 of my kids together was the greatest thing that has happened for me since Rob's cleaned up his act. I have Kristi to thank for making this Thanksgiving perfect for me. She drove allthe way here, stopping to pick Kelle up along the way, footed the entire bill for everything while she was here, worked her butt off while she was here ans then drove back, taking Kelle back home as well. I enjoyed Jilly and Brett Jacob to the max, but especially Jill. Brett stayed pretty close to braxton the whole time he was here. Jilly was right with me, though, even helping in the kitlchen preparing dinner. She picked chicken off the bone, which amazed me the most that the job was not too gross for her. She washed dishes, doing a good job. She also learned how to use the potato peeler!
Kristi has done an awesome job with her kids. They were well behanved, well mannered and listened to what they were told. They did not argue nor did they fight among themselves, they were very loving toward one another. Kristi is very patient with them. She's a wonderful mom. I always knew she would be.
Kelle slept most of the time while she was here. The rest of the time she spent pretty close to Rob. Thos two....'nuff said.
Naturally, I cried when they left. I tried not too but there was no way I could help it. I was not near ready for them to leave. I have no idea when I will see them next. Each visit to me is seeming like it will be the last.
Being around them all reminds me what I am missing and how much I iave failed them all. I realize how useless I am, how miserable I am. I've turned into the very thing that I have always feared most; a life if sitting and stagnating, with no purpose; my daddy and Alan. I alway said that if I ever got like that for someone to please shoot me. I am them. I need Direction and Purpose. I need to be needed. I have allowed my disease to take over...again. I am becoming Arachnoiditis.

There is a huge lesson here--I just have to figure out what it is.

Tied of Life Sucking!

Living like this is getting very tiresome. No matter how hard we try each month, the money just willnot stretch from one check until the next. I am so tired of living broke that I cannot stand it any longer! There has got to be some way to make things work. I just don't know how. None of it seems very fair to me. I've been given this horrible disease by a freekin doctor, so I can't work. I've been made a widow and had everything taken from me by my husband's children. I have no home of my own, no car, no bank account and am expected to live on the pitance that the government says should be enough. I'd love to see any one of them try and raise a child on a thousand dollars a month. I dare any one of them to try it. OK so, I piss money away on cigarettes. My one vise, my one luxury. I don't go any place but to the doctor's office every three months. I have quit getting my haircut, I don't eat out. My pleasure comes from the internet, blogging and reading e-mails from my friends in my arach support group. I do not travel to see my children and grand children. I have no friends here. Basically, life pretty much sucks and for two weeks of every month I am scrapping pennies just to have a freekin cup of coffee! I've had it!
I have an Internet job that I know full well is going to screw up the few benefits that I do have, but what am I supposed to do? Trust me, this Internet gig does not pay a whole hell of a lot because I still can't make it from pay check to paycheck! The holidays are upon us and I don't know what the hell I amn going to do. I have a kid here who is expecting somethng under atree that I cannot afford to buy and I'm having trouble putting groceries on the damn table. But I am not supposed ot be angry either. I am 52 years old, broke and disabled and cannot take care of myself. Oh yeah, life is just toomuch fun for me. I am sick and tired of being angry and broke. I am sick and tired of hating life. I am sick and tired of feeling used and abused. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My daughters are coming today and I don;t have anything to feed them once they get here. I have to rely on my kid to buy Thanksgiving dinner. This makes me feel so good, let me tell you. Wonder why life sucks? Wonder why I don;t want to get dressed or even get off my ass for that matter?

Another Birthday...Another Day

Today I am 52 years old. I look around and wonder where the time went. What happened to my life? I was a child and during those years I could not wait to grow up so I could be out on my own. I wanted so badly to be able to live without drinking and fighting all the time. I wanted to be able to know that I was going to have elcetricity everyday. I was chasing security. I was chasing a dream.

I am so completely unhappy at this moment. I don't know how I have ended up in this unlivable situation that I find myself in. Life just should not be this hard. My life began with insecurity, unsettled days and nights, too much uncertainty and I find that it is ending that very same way. Oh, my circumstances are some what different, but the insecurity is still there, the unsettled days and nights are still there and the overwhelming feeling of saddness and dispair that I felt as a child are still there. Or maybe I should be saying, "Once again." For there ws a time in this life of mine when things were good. There was a time when I had happiness, security and a complete feeling of contentment. But those times were all too short. In my 52 years on this earth, I can say that maybe 10 of those years were completely happy ones. The rest has been so close to horror for me that I wonder how or why I even want to go on. I feel that I am a burden to my children, an appendage to my family the they would rather not deal with and other than the looks I see on my grandchildren's faces, when I see them are the only things that brings me even a modicum of happiness.

I know that life has never been fair. I don't expect it to be abd I never have expected it to be fair. I have always felt that you get out of life just what you put in, but in my case, that has definitely not been the way it has been. It seems that I have given and given and given and gotten nothing in return for my efforts. I have worked for years, yet now when I am hurt and unable to work, the return for those years spent earning a living are not forth coming. I have given birth to 3 children and have tried very hard to give them a life as full as possible. Apparently, I failed at that. Had I done my job well, I feel like I would not be so alone now. But alone I am. Oh, I have Robbie and Braxton here but my 14 year old Braxton is still in that taking phase; where he expects everything to be handed to him and he should not have to work one bit for what he has. And then there is Robbie, who came here because he had no place else to go. Had I done my job well with him, he would not be in that situation. He would have done better in his job as a husband and a father and his marriage would have never been in the state it is now. I pushed Kelle out of her safe little nest when Bud died and she was so far from being ready. SO now her life is very hard because she was forced to grow up before she was ready. I failed her miserably. Kristi is well and happy and giving her all to her family. I am proud of the job she has done for herself. I cannot take any credit for the place my Kristi is in her life. She has done this on her own and done it well. I guess she took the role models she had in her life and decided to do just the opposite of what she was taught. She has a very good life and a very full life. I doubt she will ever find herself in the place I am at right now.

In a short sentence, "LIFE SUCKS" I don't know what purpose I serve here. I don't know why I am here. I bring no happiness to anyone. I can't think of a single reason to smile. Yes, today as I turn 52 I am having apity party I guess. Feeling very sorry for myself. I also feel as if I have a right to it. I have worked very hard in my life and the return is awful.

Another Birthday....Another Day....it's just not a good one. What a shame.

Trying Again

Well, I'm on another conference call woth another prospect for Melaleuca. This time I am helping one of Chrissy's enrollments to train. I hope that we can sign this woman. It will mean the end of my slump as well as an enrollment for her. I need this one to restore my confidence. I have not been able to enroll ONE single person, with the exception of a few people that I know, on my own. I need to be able to do this. I'm not understanding why it is so hard, either. We have a great product here. It can be a huge help to people and once they try it, they love it. I just cannot understand how some people can go so far with this company and why I can't seem to get a single enrollment. I have Eric working. Big Whoop. Eric has absolutely no motovation and will never make me a cent, much less himself. I haven't even heard from him in weeks. Why can't I find that business builder who is as gung ho as I am? I know that they are out there. They have to be. I am advertising every place that I can think of. Well, except ehre. I don't have a link here. I wonder if it would do any good. Is anyone in the general public reading my blog and would anyone be interested in working from home and the possibility of making MEGA bucks? You really can make money with this business. I've seen it done. You have to work at it, yes. But it's fun, it's educational, you meet so many great people and you never have to get out of your jammies! I just can't figure people out. Like I said, the product is great! It workd wonderfully well, plus its good for you! You are not spending any new money, you are just redirecting your spending. This is really the truth too. I am not buying anything that I have never bought before. I am just not spending it at the grocery store. The upside is that I am not running out of anything either. Why can I not convey this to others in a way that will make them want to give this stuff a try. And once you try it, you will love it! Cindy didn't but then I doubt if Cindy can be pleased with it is something that she is not doing first. She decided that it was a scam and you shouldn't have to buy each month. You have to buy laundry soap each month, don't you? You have to buy toilet paper each month, don't you? And shampoo and toothpaste? Well, you simply buy them from Mela and earn money while you are doing it! Whats so hard about that? I just don't get it. I have been working my butt off since March and I cannot seem to do it. I am becoming so discouraged, but I can't quit. I just can't. I believe in this product and I will not do it to Lori. Lori has been so good to me since I signed up. She is an unbelievable mentor. She goes out of her way for me everyday! So I have got to stick with it. I know that somewhere out there I am going ot find a couple of business builders that want to work as hard as I do. Maybe someone reading this will wake up and say, hey, let me give this awesome business opportunity a try.
They would be so happy that they did. I mean where else can you start a home business for 29 bucks?
The call is almost over so it's time for me to go to work. Please let me sign this woman!

Telephone Scum

This is a post that can also be found on My Space: Eurekabud's House. I wrote this last night as I was sitting at the computer doing my telemarketing job. I think it's good enough to post here as well. Enjoy!


Sunday, July 23, 2006

The lunatics are out in full force again tonight. What is it about certain males that cannot resist the urge to make an obscene phone call or just feel the need to talk filth to any unsuspecting female that they find on the other end of the telephone line?

I’ve been working telemarketing for only a week and already I’ve had more filthier mouthed, dirty minded, perverts on the telephone that I even imagined existed, in the first place. I can’t help but be amazed at the number of grown men who have a childish need to just be filthy and perverted!

I know that all men are not like this, but the numbers that are is still mind boggling and they are giving the rest of the male population a horrible name and reputation.

You know, when one is working this kind of job, you expect to get the occasional kid making a prank call, but to have some sick minded pervert call every night, sometimes as many as four and five different sick individuals is just down right disgusting. Women do not and never have conducted themselves this way and I doubt that any ever would. What is it about some men that make them such sicko’s?

It’s a shame, really, that so many men have this uncontrollable urge to say things to faceless, nameless women on the telephones who are simply trying to make a living to feed their families? These are the very same sick jerks who would want to flatten another guy for saying the very same things to his wife, girlfriend, sister or mother. These perverts on the telephone need to remember that the unsuspecting woman they are insulting on the other end of the phone is also someone’s wife, girlfriend, sister or mother.

It definitely makes it hard for me to separate. I want to put all men into the same category of the sick and perverted although my intellect tells me that it is only a select few that are behaving like cave dwellers with the morals of scum, it’s still very hard not to put each male that I come in contact with on the other end of the telephone in that same category as the rodents I am forced to hang up on so many times each night. I am as ashamed of then as the women who gave birth to them would be and I only thank God that I am not dependent on this same garbage for anything that I require.