A Lesson Learned

I learned a valuable lesson earlier today and I'd like to pass along the benefit of my experience. Simply put, never ever try and offer advice to anyone, friend or otherwise, when your opinion has not been asked for. Even if you have been asked, don't ever try and get your point across in an e-mail either. People have a way of misinterpeting your meaning and then they become very defensice. When someone is definsive it's your feelings that end up being hurt. Have you ever heard the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished?" Let me tell you something: take this old saying as gospel. Whenever you try and help, it does not matter how pure your heart is or how unselfish your intention is; it is never ever taken that way. Whomever it is that you are trying to help, as soon as you say something that that person does not agree with, they take it like you are attacking them and their normal response is to strike back and try to hurt you. It is very understandable that when someone is hurt, they would try and retaliate. And it rarely matters how long you have known the person or again, what your intentions are. They never ever see it as your intention being pure. It is only taken by that person as a personal attack. And personal attacks hurt, even if you know that once they calm down and see things more clearly, they will probably apologize to you later. Note: I began this post back in June and although just about a month has passed, I find that my feelings on this matter have not changed, therefore it must be true. So now I will post this and hope that some of you can learn from the benefit of my experience.

Surprise! I'm Over 50

I was reading through the latest issue of AARP magazine last night and I think it finally hit me that I am over 50. Hell, I've been over 50 for more than a year now, so this should have hit me lomg before now. Fifty is nothing at all like I thought it was going to be. It's also not what I had planned for myself once I reached this age.

Years ago, when my children were small, I remember thinking that when I reached the ripe old age of 50 the world would be comfortable into the 21st century. That was hard for me to imagine way back then; but here we are. It's the 21st century, I am in my 50's so now what? I had figured that by this time in my life my financial struggles would be behind me, but in reality my financial troubles are all too real. Besides having to struggle on Social Security Disibility, I am living far away fromt he grandchildren that I was so positive would bring me constant joy. You cannot experience constant joy from 1200 miles away. I rarely see my grandchilren, The last time, in fact, was two years ago and that causes me so much pain. I have also not been able to see my children in that amount of time either. Oh, so different from what I had planned. I honestly thought that by this time in my life I would be cooking huge Sunday dinners and having the grandkids visit me enough times that I would be complaining about the mess they left. As it is now, I would give my right arm to be in the position to complain about this very fact. I really am very tired of not being able to see my kids and grandkids at whim.

At this time in my life I wanted to be cooking large dinners evry Sunday. Instead I am eating tv dinners alone or sometimes not eating at all. Braxton (my 14 year old) spends as much time in his bedroom as he can manage, although I practically beg him to sit with me and share a meal. It's just more fun in his room in front of the tv. Yeah, for him I guess it is.

So many people have just quit trying to contact me. I never hear from anyone in my husband's family anymore. I guess as far as they are concerned, I am dead also. Even his ex wife, ...yeah, she and I were great friends while he was alive, but since I moved to North Carolina, she doesn't call either. No, thats' not quite right. She and I did communicate and then I called her once and asked if Braxton and I could come and live with her. I wasn't upset at all when she told me no. In fact, I almost expected it, but ever since then it's like she does not want to talk to me either. I understand why Mark and Arlene don't talk to me. I didn;t understand it when Christy and JOn wrote me off, but I figured it was because they listened to Mark. But geeze, those are kids that I was step mother too for more than 16 years! You'd think I meant something to them. But I guess not. Oh well. I just get lonely and nostalgic sometimes. But hey, I have my friend Nancy in my life, I have Cheryl that is so good about calling me nearly every week and then there is Cindy who, although she tries to tell me how to live, and gets weird sometimes, I love her and she says she loves me. Even though I know that she feels let down by me. I tried hard not to let her down, but things happen I guess.

I just miss the kids so much. I miss not getting to see the grandkids grow up. SOme days I wish I would have thought things thru more or better. But I didn't. I made this bed, I have to live in this bed. It is hard tho. Some days I can barely keep from crying all day long. It's hard to live so poorly, it's hard to continually have to tell Braxton no and it's so hard to sit day after day at this computer tring to make a buck. I have all kinds of uplifting sayings all around me to try and keep me positive and I try and tell everyone that I am okay....but inside, I am falling apart. Inside, I hate living. Inside, I am angry at Bud for messing up my life so badly by dying and leaving me all alone. Inside,inside....inside it hurts so badly. Inside I am completely miserable. I shold send this post to Buds children., They would be so happy and so full of satisfaction to know that I am so miserable and that I do hurt so badly. They set out to make sure of it, I'd really like to let all 4 of them know that they got what they were after. I hope it brings all of them some sort of satisfaction to know that I am so lost, lonely and miserable. I guess it wasn't enough for them that the love of my life had died and left me alone. They had to make sure that I lost everything else too. Well, it happened. They made it happen. I hope they are all pleased.

I'm in pretty bad shape right now so I need to end this post and go wash the dishes.

Learning As I Go

....and boy am I learning a lot of different things! Not only have I learned, or am I learning how to run this buxiness that I have going on, but I am also learing about people and how rude, and wishey washey they are. I have had so many people promise to call me back and then I never hear from them again. I just don't get that, either. What is so hard about telling a person, "No thank you, I am not interested." Instead of telling them that you are going ot call them back and sign up and all that garbage, when they know damn good and well that they are not going to call you. TOnight I got screwed because I was being nice to this bitch! GRRRR that's what really ticks me off to the max! I could have had the bitch signed and sealed, but here I was like a dumb ass worried about her being uncomfortable so I offered to let her get home and then call me back. I am not the idiot who told her to leave home in the middle of the presentation in the first place! I swear, I am really ticked off at this person. What a RUDE bitch she is and I have half a mind to tell her how much she has ticked me off. But whats bothering me so much right now is that I am THIS angry! I guess maybe it's because I have had it happen to me so damn many times! It pisses me off to the max when somebody sasys they are going to call me back and then I never hear a frigging word from them. I swear, I am going ot tell the next person who says that they are going to call me back, that I know they are a bald faced liar! I wonder how that will make them feel? I don't give a rats ass how it makes them feel. I am pissed and for good reason.

GRRRRRRRR If thios woman were to call me right now I am afraid that I would lose her because I would tell her off about what a rude bitch she is to have left me hanging like this. I have half a mind to call her and leave a message on her recorder about how rude she is. I had better shut this computer dowm for tonight.

Good night!@

Four Years and Counting

This post today is on the 4th anniversary of my sweet Bud's leaving me for Heaven. Yes, I still miss him everyday and still if I had my way, he would be with me. But since I can't and since he is not with me, in body, I am going to direct the rest of this post to him. Forgive me for ignoring the rest of you, this one time.

My dear Bud,
I miss you, Sweetheart. Every day I miss you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. But I want for you to know that I am okay. I am getting better with each passing year, although I still wish that we were together. You didn't give me those fifty years you promised me, you know. I'm going to be homest with you and tell you that there have been lots of times in the past four years that i have been very angry with you for leaving me and for the shape that you left me in. I know that you did not do it on purpose and if you had had any idea that your children would have done such terrible things to me, you would have made sure that Braxton and I were protected. I know you would. I also know that there is no way that you could believe that as soon as you closed you eyes that your children would have done everything within their power to hurt me. I know that you counted on Arlene and Mark to take care of us. I also know that you certainly never expected Arlene to turn her back on me after every thing the two of us ment to one another. But my sweet, I tried to tellyou, didn't I? Didn't I tell you that things woudl turn out just the way that they have? I have to tell you though, in all honesty, the lengths that they went to even surprised me. But what is done is done and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have lost them all though and for that I am so very sorry. I know that toward the end, in the last couple of years I didn't try very hard with Arlene, but I just didn't have it in me. The hurt was too great. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I want you to know that I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have either. But, like I said, it is done and there is no use dwelling on it. I have Braxton and I want to tell you about him.

You would be so proud of him, Baby. He is growing up into a fine young man. A lazy one, but he is a good boy other than that. He is trying hard in school. Ok so he could be trying harder but his grades are not that bad....well, other than English. I've got him in a private school, its a Christian school and he is doing well really. He is in a good environment and I know that is important to you. I have tried very hard in the last four years to make you proud of me. I hope that you are.

I guess you were there waiting for your sister when she joined you. Hug her for me and tell her that I miss her. I miss her a lot too. I haven't been very good about keeping in touch with your other sisters either. In the beginning i was, but I have allowed that to fall off. I'm sorry. I do need to be intouch with Sissy anyway.

I'll bet you were surprised when James joined you too. It's hard knowing that he and Larry are gone. I miss Larry a lot as well. You know that Margie quit having anyhting to do with me too. But you and I both know that was no big loss. Margie was upset from the day I met Nancy. Sweetie, you know that I am in a good place with Nancy, don't you? She and I are good for one another and you need to understand that. I pray that you do. So many people don't and they want to write more into it than it really is, but what they think does not bother me, you knwo that. But you have to knwo that she and I need one another and I actually feel like it was you who opened those doors for me.

Some days I can feel you with me but other days you seem so far away. I don't ever want you to be far away from me. I need to feel that you are close and can reach out and touch me when you want.

Jimmy has been busy coming to Cindy in her dreams. Won't you please talk to Jimmy and find out how that is done and come and talk to me some night? Please. It would make sleeping so much nicer if I knew that you would come to me. Jimmy has been so busy comforting Cindy. Ask him, please.

Continue to watch over us, Sweetheart. I know that you are. I will continue to make you proud and I also need you to promise me that you will help me with this business I am trying. I know that you have seen how hard it is to make it on this pitiful Social Security Braxton and I receive. You were wrong about that too, weren't you? You were wrong about a lot of things. But I lvoe you. I have never stopped loving you and missing you, even when I was angry with you.

Keep sending me the strength that I need to put one foot in front of the other each day. Help me to raise this child into a responsible adult so that one day he won't need me and i can come and join you. I don't want to have to wait forever. But a while longer here would be nice. I don't want to leave just yet. I still have work to do.

I lvoe you. And I thank you for all the years that we did have. YOu made them the happiest that I have ever had. I want you to know that and also that no one could ever take your place. I will always love you my sweet. I will always miss you too. You really have been the love of my life and always will be.

Forever........
Me

Things On My Mind Today

I have several things that I wanted to journal about today, things on the news that have been bugging me, things in my life that have been bugging me, just all kinds of things in general that have been bugging me.

The things in the news that have been bugging me are mainly the things that bug most people...the state of this country and whats going on in our world. I've been reading in the news about how the House of Representatives has only scheduled something like 91 days in session this year. At first it made me very angry, thinking about how lazy our government is. Then this morning as soon as I woke up I had sort of an ephany about this very issue; with them only spending 91 days in session, it gives them that much less time to screw things up. So it can be a good thing. Our government is pretty piss porr, ya know? They are also wanting to pass some kind of cock-a mammie legislation that will shut people's blogs down something like 60 days before and 30 days after a major election. If my 4th grade history class taught me anything it taught me that we have basic freedoms guaranteed us by The Constitution of The United States of America. The first amendment to this Constitution states that we be guaranteed the freedom of speech and that includes the freedom of press. Our blogs constitute press. Come on, guys, you can't shut us down. No matter what kind of spin you put on it, you are still violating our basic rights. You know, since this president came into office some five years ago, he has broken more laws, violated more of our God given rights and freedoms, and stripped us of more dignity than we realize and he has had the audasity to do all of this right under our noses and do it in the name of God! It infuriates me that we continue to allow him to get away with it day after day. Oh, in the beginning I was one of the poor, stupid, blind idiodic people who were on his band wagon. I thought his talk of "family values" and bringing this nation back to the Lord were good things. I even thought that having Mr. Kerry in office was going to be bad for our country. Oh, how stupid I was. Mr. Bush has duped us all. And not once but twice he has pulled the wool over our eyes and done a very good job of it. The second time he got us to elect him to office he used scare tactics to do it. He actually has nearly an entire nation of otherwise intelligent people thinking that if we did not vote for him that we would most likely be attacked on our own soil once again by terriosts! And as a nation, we bought it. Only to learn after that fact that before 911 Mr. Bush himself knew about the threats to the towers and he sat back and did nothing because he wanted it to happen. It fell right into his plans, so that he could go to war, so that eventually we can build a military base in Iraq. That's the whole reason that he is sacrificing the lives of our innocent young men and women in the God forsaken country, thousands of miles away from their families. If this war is so justified and if he believes in it so damn much, why doesn't he send his daughters over there to fight? Other families have their daughters over there. How cme the Bush girls are not over there? I'll tell you why. He is not about to sacrifice the lives of his daughters on a war the he knows that he cannot win, on a war that he knows that he has no plans to get out of. We are trapped with no plan for withdrawal. He tells us that we cannot pull out. Of course we cannot pull out. He has no plan for it! He does not know how. He is in over his head and now he has no idea what to do, so day after day he sits back and watches more and more of our young people sacrifice their lives and all he can do is try and figure out ways to cover up the injured, that he keeps out of the news. We do not hear about the thousands that are hurt and maimed for life each day. He can't keep the death tolls away from us, but he's figured out how to keep the injured lists hidden. Some states are trying to impeach him. He should not be impeached, he should be brought up on charges! I watch him on telivision with is fake smiles and he makes me sick. I have figured out that the bigger he smiles, the bigger lie he is telling. I only get satisfaction in knowing that he is running scared in this election year, knowing that his Republican held Congress is about to be a thing of the past. Oh yes, I could be wrong and it is possible that the Republicans could be re-elected, but I seriously doubt it. I have a feeling that if Mickey Mouse were running on the Democratic or even the Independent ticket that they would get elected over a Republican. What so you think? I know I wouldn't vote for a Republican even if his name were the greatest Republican President we have had in recent history, Mr. Ronald Reagan.

Now, I think I am going to move on to some of the other stuff that's on my mind and bugging me. I am kinda tired of the politics thing. Besides, too much of that just might get me red flagged by the commies that my tax dollars go to pay some idiot to sit and read this stuff. Can you imagine? Oh well. Anyway, if they are reading, then do something about the pitiance I get paid as a disabled widow, will ya'? It's criminal that I have to try and raise a child on eleven hundred bucks a month. You have any idea what a 14 year old boy eats? He can eay 800 of that in a month and that's no exaggeration.

I am sick and tired of the cold weather. It seems like it's been cold forever. I want to go outside. I want to dig in the dirt. I want to walk outside. I want to open the windows and clean the house. I want to wear shorts and t-shirts. I am tired of sweaters and long pants. I am tired of having to bundle up and hearing the heater run. I am tired of huge electric bills because of the heater running all the time. It's the end of March and if I were home (home still being New Orleans) I would be living in warm weather by now.

And that's another thing....Is New Orleans always going to be home to me? I left there in 1986 and moved to South Carolina with Bud. We stayed there until he died in 2004 and then I did go back home. I stayed for 3 months until I nearly lost my mind and all my money as well. Then I got close to Nancy and moved here to North Carolina with her. I've been here since October of 2004 and basically hating the weather ever since. It's pretty much the same as SC weather only just a tad cooler. I was never real crazy about the weather in SC but at least being with Bud made it bearable. Being here with Nancy is the only thing that keeps me here, too. But one day I would really like to be able to live where I want to live, ya know. I want to be with my grandkids. I want to be able to see my kids, too. Here, all I have is Nancy and Braxton. I have no friends, no family. Other than Nancy and Braxton, I have basically no one. I get lonely a lot. I feel alone a lot. I cover my miserable a lot. And some days I just feel like that at nearly 52 years old it should be my turn. When is it going to be my turn? I thought that when Bud died it was going to be my turn. But then I went and did something really stupid and because of that, it's still not my turn because I have someone else to consider. Don't misunderstand. I like my life with nancy....most days. But then there are times that I feel cheated because I don;t want to have to consider her. I want to be able to live where I want to live. I want to be able to do what I want to do. But as long as I choose to have another person in my life I can't have it both ways. This is a Life Lesson. One I should have learned before now. But I always have been a very slow learner. I could write a book on things that I have learned since I turned 50. Yep, it's enough to fill a book.

I'm just in the dumper today, or can ya tell? But then there are a lot of days lately that I am in the dumper. My life has pretty much gone downhill ever since Bud died. I still have no purpose except to exist. Well, I do have to get Braxton raised, but basically he is pretty much dragging himself up. I am just providing him with a place to live, clean clothes and a roof over his head. I do guide him in the right direction, but I am not really raising him. Bud would not be very proud of me. I have not put much effort into him. I have no purpose, no motovation, no energy, no zest for life, no nothing really. I know that I have to find these things inside of myself and I'm trying to get started on the journey. There are times when I think that I have begun and then I lose it. Some days I think that I am doing so well and then I wake up one day and it's like WHAM! I've hit a brick wall and all the wind is gone out of my sails.

I know this filthy house has got me so upset. I've cleaned it and cleaned it, but then when I can't get any help keeping it that way, or the very nect day it looks like a hurricane went thru it, I get discouraged and quit. I had it so clean and looking so good. I had taken one room at a time and was down to the last room and then the room I started on was a disaster again and it was like a vicisious circle and I got no help. I was waiting on Nancy hand and foot, taking care of Braxton, running all the errands, generally just wearing myself out. Finally, I got discouraged, run down and completely worn out. I quit. And now this house shows it. Once again I am sitting in a filthy house and I am going to be the one who ends up cleaning it. But I am still so discouraged that I don't have the motovation. Before I got it the last time I had to start another blog titled dirty house dot com before I could make myself do anything! I think it's pitiful to have to advertise your filthy house before you can make your self do anything about it.

I just need to get control of my life once and for all. Here I am trying to help Cindy put her life together and i can't even control my own. How am I supposed to be of any help to her? And my friend needs me so badly. The last thing I want to do is to let her down. She was certainly there for me when I needed her so badly. My only regret is not listening to her. But then I didn;t listen to anyone, except myself and I wasn't capable of making a decision as to weather I should go to the bathroom ornot and here I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life. Screwed it up too, is what I did. I just wonder if there is any way now to repair the damage that I did. Cindy says that there is. Kristi says that there is. But I am not so sure. Not without destroying other lives and I am not up for that. I've messed up my own life, I sure don;t want to mess up anyone else's life. I'd be messing up Nancy's life, first and she doesn't deserve that. I'd be messing up Braxton's life and he can't handle anymore. I have moved that kid around too much already. If I keep that up he is going to stage a mutiny and I could not blame him for that. Poor kid has had so many problems since his Dad has died and all I have done is add to them with my own. I have no business dumping on him the way I have. I give him too much credit sometimes and not enough at other times. I guess I really am the most messed up woman on the planet, huh? I definitly feel like it. There are plenty of days that I act like it too.

What a post. This one should get me committed. Ya' think?