More Going's On

I've been at Kelle's for nearly a week and I had so much fun! I can't wait to go back. I came home early for two reasons, I didn't bring enough meds with me and I was going to run out and Braxton had a crisis; Ashley broke up with him, again. This is a regular occurance around here and one I am getting tired of, because of the way that he acts when it happens. It's like it is the end of the world. He walks around crying, he can't eat, or sleep and he wants to tll the entire world what has happened. He calls everyone he knows and pours it on. Oh my goodness, it is a terrible thing. Maybe I am just too old for teenage love. Maybe I just do not understand the workings of it anymore. Maybe it's been so long since I have been in love that I just don't know what it si about anymore. It very well be why I don't have the patience for it. I just pray that God gives me the strength to get through this part of raising him. It's been an up and down thing for me since Bud died. Some times we go along and things go well and then other times I worried about screwing up his life terribly. I don't like this parenting solo stuff at all. It's way too hard, knowing that someone else'e life is completely dependent on you. At least when Bud was around he had both of us to lean on and to come to. Now he has only me....to so it all and it is very scary.

I seem to always be at some sort of cross roads in my life. I always seem to be trying to decide what it is that I want, where I want to live, what I want to do. I'm thinking about Aiken again, I miss it. I miss my life there. But I also know that life there would not be the same and would I want that if I got it? Am I better off staying here where I know I have a dr and I know how things are, how life is, I mean. New orleans was such a disaster and I don't want another one of those. I can't live thorugh that again. I just want to be SETTLED and know that I am settled. I don't know why I can't be. I don't know why I can't feel like I belong anywhere. Will I ever feel that there is someplace that I belong? God, I hope so. If i could have any one thing in this whole world it would be to be where I know that I belong. Is that asking too much?