Christmas Miracle

The atmostphere here lst night got a little bit on the strained side for a while. My feelings got hurt when I iverheard Nancy talking on the phone with Linda and when I walked into the room she cahnged the subject. It upset me, not because she was talking about Braxton; that did not bother me at all. What bothered me was that she was attempting to hide it from me. We can't be open with one another if we are going to play games like that. I told her that I have not been feeling very much like this is my home. And that's not a good feeling. After I told her how i was feeling we did have a good little talk and things are better now. I just pray that they stay that way. We have been having a kind of silent argument over Braxton and the time that I allow him on the phone. Nancy believes that it is too much, but I disagree. braxton has never been a kid that was on the phone before and now that he has this lkittle girlfriend, naturally, he wants to spend every waking minute on it. My thoughts are that as long as his grades are not falling and as long as he gets off when I tell him and does not sneal, then I don;t have a problem. Nancy wants him regulated to 30 minutes a day. I'm sorry, I just cannot agree with that and in the beginning when she was telling him that it was time to get off, I had to tell her that she was crossing a boundry. Braxton and his telephone time is my territory and it is up to me to regulate it. I think that she allows Brittany to spend too much time her when Ashley is here, but I don't say anything. She and Ashley get in the bedroom and whisper about things and I never say one word, yet she wants to acuse me of whispering with Braxton. This is high school crap and I am not up for that. Ashley is coming today to stay until after Christmas, roughly three weeks or very close to it. It's not going to be easy on me, but i plan to be a grown up about it. ALthough when she starts getting away with the very things that Nancy bitches about Braxton is might be hard for me to keep quiet, but I want to very much. I refuse to play those games with her or any one else for that matter. I know that I am very emotional right now. It's Christmas time and I have no money and that always puts me in a sour mood. I'm away from my children and that puts me in a sour mood as well. Nancy has trouble understanding this because her family is right here. SHe is in her home, so she does not see things a lot of time from my point of view. One thing that I asked her to do last night was to try and see things from where i stand and it was after that when she came in and apologized to me, so maybe she is trying to see things from my point of view. I hope so. Life will be so much easier for us if we both can try and see thigns from the others point of view.

I'm looking for a Christmas Miracle. I've been looking for a Christmas Miracle. Does anyone happen to have an extra lying around that I can use?

Lessons I've Learned

I have learned some of life's lessons recently and that's what I want to write about tonight.

The first leson I've learned is one that I should have already known. But I'm slow and it generally takes me a while before something important sinks in. Eventually, though, I usually get it. One thing that I have learned is that you really can't go home again. Nothing is as you remember it. Your family has moved on with their lives since you've left and they have learned to live without you on a daily basis. Your friends have also moved on and replaced you, if not in their hearts, but again, like your family, in their daily lives. These people won't make time for you. Not because they don't want to, but because they don't have the time; they have other people and other things that occupy their time. And, for the most part, you've probably grown in different directions. The things you once had in common are no longer as important to either of you. They have all learned to deal with you on an every now and then basis. And if you are counting on your family and old friends for you to have a life, then you really are in trouble. Where they once might have had a responsibility to be a part of your daily life--again, you've been replaced, so you might as well face it. They have new friends and new interests and they do not include you. They will all, no doubt, be glad to hear from you and will probably set aside time to get together with you, this is going to be nothing more, in most cases, than a one-shot deal. If you are determinded to stay in this used to be home of yours then you have to be willing to get up off of your butt and make a new life for yourself; one that is made up of new interests and new friends. Understand that it is never going to be like it was. And I learned all of this the hard way and it was an expensive lesson, which is how I've learned almost everything I have ever learned.

I've also learned some things about myself. At 53 years old, I'd say that it's about time I learned everything there is to know about myself, wouldn't you think? See the above comment about being a slow learner. The lesson I am referring to this time is that I start many, many things but finish few. In truth, I've probably always known this fact but either been in denial about it or have been trying to change it. I'd like to think that I have been working on changing it, but it's more believable to me that I have been in denial about it. And that's not the only personalitty trait that I have been in denail about. I have been hiding from the fact that I have an extremely addictive personality and that, in some areas, I am out of control. There is an urgency about fixing this one and I can't ignore or deny this one for much longer. I've allowed it to get out of hand way too often.

I'm also a huge procrastinator. I'll put a task that I don't want to face off time and time again. A certain amount of procrastination is okay for me, I think because it gives me a chance to think it through, which is also something that I rarely do; but I am talking about a horrible fault here. No one should put a task off so long that it never gets done or that you forget that you have it to do in the first place.

Another thing that I am guilty of is starting a chore, a craft project, or any kind of project and never following it through to completion. I have half-finished baby blankets, quilts, cross-stitch projects bead crafts, sewing projects, books I am in various stages of reading, courses I have begun studying and the list goes on and on. I can probably count the number of things that I have actually seem to completion, throughout my lifetime on one hand and have fingers left over.

And I am a horrible hoarder, pack rat, junk collector or whatever name you want to give it. I have more crap stored around this house either because it holds some kind of sentimental value, I think that I might have a need for it some day, or it's one of the above mentioned projects in various stages of completion. And everytime that I have decided that it's time to clean out some of the junk and actually follow through and get rid of some of it, it never fails that less than a week later I find that I need for some item that I have ditched. Examples of some of the crap I have saved are empty boxes, rocks, old Christmas and birthday cards, broken costume jewelery, games with peices missing, old cabinet knobs, and the list goes on endlessly. I even have a box containing some things of my mothers complete with a pair of her underware! I have more collections than anyone. Coffee cups from various places, angel statues, books, magazines (some dating back as many as fiftenn years), rocks, cookie jars, elephant statues, Santa Clauses, quilt squares, seashells, aprons, and again, the list is infinite. I discovered blogs on line a few years ago and since I've always enjoyed writing, I set one up; this one, in fact. Then I began another one on another site, and then another one, and another one. I think I have somewhere around 15 blogs at last count. That can't be normal, can i?

I often wonder what makes me the way that I am. Do I have that male mentality thing of "who ever dies with the most toys wins?" In my case it would be, "She who dies with the most crap wins." ANd I'd probably win too, but win what? A bunch of junk for my kids to have to clean up and throw out after I croak is what it looks like to me. And because of the number of blogs that I mentioned earlier, my offspring and their offspring will be stumbling over my words for generations to come. I've set myself up to be talked about as "this goof-ball great-great-great grandma" well into the 28th century!!

Now that I have listed all of these lessons I have learned it looks as if it is up to me to decide what I am to do about them. Gee, I wonder. I can do what I would like desperately like to do and what is also expected of me, I might add, and promise myself that I am well on the road to taking care of these things or I can tell the complete truth and say that I don't have any idea in hell what is going to happen with all of these faults.

I guess only time will tell what happens with all of this. But I think that I need for someone to wish me only the best of luck with this daunting task that lay before me.

And I thank you.

More Life Changes

B raxton and I moved back to New Orleans toward the end of June. We are living with Kristi and Brett. And although things were rocky in the beginning, now, I could not be happier. I know that Braxton has not been this happy since before Bud died. He is thriving. He is doing well in school, so far. He is finally getting to play football, like he has said he wanted to do for the last few years. I have had the opportunity to spend a few weeks with Cheryl and even Faye and I are reconnecting. It's been wonderful. The only problem that i have right now is Nancy. I feel so bad for her. I know that she is lonely and she says that she can understand that I needed to be with my family, however, everytime we talk she does her dead level best to make me feel like an even bigger jerk than what I feel. We were talking on the computer this morning and almost every other word she typed was about how worthless she is, how lonely she is, how miserable. Then she asked me if I realized that I had been gone for something like 12 weeks, 4 days 7 hours and 24 minutes....something like that, but my point is that she had it down to the minute. And the more i begged her to stop the more she kept it up and then would say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I said I was going ot stop. But she wouldn;t. So I finally had to go before I lost my mind. I want to talk to her but I can't do it when she is like that. She says she wants me to be happy yet she does whatever she can to make me feel guilty. I feel awful when I say things like I have to protect myself, but I have to. Mama tells me that I am supposed to be celebrating my happiness and that she is trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad. Mama is probably right, too. And I cannot let her do it to me. She is making me feel guilty for being happy. I can't talk about the kids because hse has some remark to make. I can't talk about being busy because she has some remark to make. There is nothing i can talk about that she does not have some answer designed to make me feel even worse than I already do.
And I have had ENOUGH! My life has been miserable for far too long. I have got to quit.

What's With the Comments?

OK, Bloglines, what's up with all of these ridiculous comments, advertising crap? The last place I actually thought that spammers could post was on someone's blog, for gods sake! If you guys can't find some way to keep the spammers out, I'll have to get rid of these blogs I have here. And I loved this site. But the stupid advertising, left as "comments" stink! I guess we have to put up with aggravation from all over the place. We are invaded in our homes via the telephone by telemarketers and advertisers, we are now invaded on our blogs by the garbage. I guess my next step is to make it impossible for people to leave comments. That's really ashame too. But, I suppose if I don;t want to have to delete a crap load of so called "comments" each time I come here, I have 2 choices. Get rid of the blog or stop all comments. Ya' know what? I think I'll just put a stop to all the comments right now.
Note to SPAMMERS....YOU PEOPLE SUCK! TRUST ME...THE INTERNET COMMUNITY HATES YOU AND DOES NOT BUY YOUR CRAP WHEN YOU INVADE ON PEOPLE! GO AWAY!