Things On My Mind Today

I have several things that I wanted to journal about today, things on the news that have been bugging me, things in my life that have been bugging me, just all kinds of things in general that have been bugging me.

The things in the news that have been bugging me are mainly the things that bug most people...the state of this country and whats going on in our world. I've been reading in the news about how the House of Representatives has only scheduled something like 91 days in session this year. At first it made me very angry, thinking about how lazy our government is. Then this morning as soon as I woke up I had sort of an ephany about this very issue; with them only spending 91 days in session, it gives them that much less time to screw things up. So it can be a good thing. Our government is pretty piss porr, ya know? They are also wanting to pass some kind of cock-a mammie legislation that will shut people's blogs down something like 60 days before and 30 days after a major election. If my 4th grade history class taught me anything it taught me that we have basic freedoms guaranteed us by The Constitution of The United States of America. The first amendment to this Constitution states that we be guaranteed the freedom of speech and that includes the freedom of press. Our blogs constitute press. Come on, guys, you can't shut us down. No matter what kind of spin you put on it, you are still violating our basic rights. You know, since this president came into office some five years ago, he has broken more laws, violated more of our God given rights and freedoms, and stripped us of more dignity than we realize and he has had the audasity to do all of this right under our noses and do it in the name of God! It infuriates me that we continue to allow him to get away with it day after day. Oh, in the beginning I was one of the poor, stupid, blind idiodic people who were on his band wagon. I thought his talk of "family values" and bringing this nation back to the Lord were good things. I even thought that having Mr. Kerry in office was going to be bad for our country. Oh, how stupid I was. Mr. Bush has duped us all. And not once but twice he has pulled the wool over our eyes and done a very good job of it. The second time he got us to elect him to office he used scare tactics to do it. He actually has nearly an entire nation of otherwise intelligent people thinking that if we did not vote for him that we would most likely be attacked on our own soil once again by terriosts! And as a nation, we bought it. Only to learn after that fact that before 911 Mr. Bush himself knew about the threats to the towers and he sat back and did nothing because he wanted it to happen. It fell right into his plans, so that he could go to war, so that eventually we can build a military base in Iraq. That's the whole reason that he is sacrificing the lives of our innocent young men and women in the God forsaken country, thousands of miles away from their families. If this war is so justified and if he believes in it so damn much, why doesn't he send his daughters over there to fight? Other families have their daughters over there. How cme the Bush girls are not over there? I'll tell you why. He is not about to sacrifice the lives of his daughters on a war the he knows that he cannot win, on a war that he knows that he has no plans to get out of. We are trapped with no plan for withdrawal. He tells us that we cannot pull out. Of course we cannot pull out. He has no plan for it! He does not know how. He is in over his head and now he has no idea what to do, so day after day he sits back and watches more and more of our young people sacrifice their lives and all he can do is try and figure out ways to cover up the injured, that he keeps out of the news. We do not hear about the thousands that are hurt and maimed for life each day. He can't keep the death tolls away from us, but he's figured out how to keep the injured lists hidden. Some states are trying to impeach him. He should not be impeached, he should be brought up on charges! I watch him on telivision with is fake smiles and he makes me sick. I have figured out that the bigger he smiles, the bigger lie he is telling. I only get satisfaction in knowing that he is running scared in this election year, knowing that his Republican held Congress is about to be a thing of the past. Oh yes, I could be wrong and it is possible that the Republicans could be re-elected, but I seriously doubt it. I have a feeling that if Mickey Mouse were running on the Democratic or even the Independent ticket that they would get elected over a Republican. What so you think? I know I wouldn't vote for a Republican even if his name were the greatest Republican President we have had in recent history, Mr. Ronald Reagan.

Now, I think I am going to move on to some of the other stuff that's on my mind and bugging me. I am kinda tired of the politics thing. Besides, too much of that just might get me red flagged by the commies that my tax dollars go to pay some idiot to sit and read this stuff. Can you imagine? Oh well. Anyway, if they are reading, then do something about the pitiance I get paid as a disabled widow, will ya'? It's criminal that I have to try and raise a child on eleven hundred bucks a month. You have any idea what a 14 year old boy eats? He can eay 800 of that in a month and that's no exaggeration.

I am sick and tired of the cold weather. It seems like it's been cold forever. I want to go outside. I want to dig in the dirt. I want to walk outside. I want to open the windows and clean the house. I want to wear shorts and t-shirts. I am tired of sweaters and long pants. I am tired of having to bundle up and hearing the heater run. I am tired of huge electric bills because of the heater running all the time. It's the end of March and if I were home (home still being New Orleans) I would be living in warm weather by now.

And that's another thing....Is New Orleans always going to be home to me? I left there in 1986 and moved to South Carolina with Bud. We stayed there until he died in 2004 and then I did go back home. I stayed for 3 months until I nearly lost my mind and all my money as well. Then I got close to Nancy and moved here to North Carolina with her. I've been here since October of 2004 and basically hating the weather ever since. It's pretty much the same as SC weather only just a tad cooler. I was never real crazy about the weather in SC but at least being with Bud made it bearable. Being here with Nancy is the only thing that keeps me here, too. But one day I would really like to be able to live where I want to live, ya know. I want to be with my grandkids. I want to be able to see my kids, too. Here, all I have is Nancy and Braxton. I have no friends, no family. Other than Nancy and Braxton, I have basically no one. I get lonely a lot. I feel alone a lot. I cover my miserable a lot. And some days I just feel like that at nearly 52 years old it should be my turn. When is it going to be my turn? I thought that when Bud died it was going to be my turn. But then I went and did something really stupid and because of that, it's still not my turn because I have someone else to consider. Don't misunderstand. I like my life with nancy....most days. But then there are times that I feel cheated because I don;t want to have to consider her. I want to be able to live where I want to live. I want to be able to do what I want to do. But as long as I choose to have another person in my life I can't have it both ways. This is a Life Lesson. One I should have learned before now. But I always have been a very slow learner. I could write a book on things that I have learned since I turned 50. Yep, it's enough to fill a book.

I'm just in the dumper today, or can ya tell? But then there are a lot of days lately that I am in the dumper. My life has pretty much gone downhill ever since Bud died. I still have no purpose except to exist. Well, I do have to get Braxton raised, but basically he is pretty much dragging himself up. I am just providing him with a place to live, clean clothes and a roof over his head. I do guide him in the right direction, but I am not really raising him. Bud would not be very proud of me. I have not put much effort into him. I have no purpose, no motovation, no energy, no zest for life, no nothing really. I know that I have to find these things inside of myself and I'm trying to get started on the journey. There are times when I think that I have begun and then I lose it. Some days I think that I am doing so well and then I wake up one day and it's like WHAM! I've hit a brick wall and all the wind is gone out of my sails.

I know this filthy house has got me so upset. I've cleaned it and cleaned it, but then when I can't get any help keeping it that way, or the very nect day it looks like a hurricane went thru it, I get discouraged and quit. I had it so clean and looking so good. I had taken one room at a time and was down to the last room and then the room I started on was a disaster again and it was like a vicisious circle and I got no help. I was waiting on Nancy hand and foot, taking care of Braxton, running all the errands, generally just wearing myself out. Finally, I got discouraged, run down and completely worn out. I quit. And now this house shows it. Once again I am sitting in a filthy house and I am going to be the one who ends up cleaning it. But I am still so discouraged that I don't have the motovation. Before I got it the last time I had to start another blog titled dirty house dot com before I could make myself do anything! I think it's pitiful to have to advertise your filthy house before you can make your self do anything about it.

I just need to get control of my life once and for all. Here I am trying to help Cindy put her life together and i can't even control my own. How am I supposed to be of any help to her? And my friend needs me so badly. The last thing I want to do is to let her down. She was certainly there for me when I needed her so badly. My only regret is not listening to her. But then I didn;t listen to anyone, except myself and I wasn't capable of making a decision as to weather I should go to the bathroom ornot and here I was making decisions that would affect the rest of my life. Screwed it up too, is what I did. I just wonder if there is any way now to repair the damage that I did. Cindy says that there is. Kristi says that there is. But I am not so sure. Not without destroying other lives and I am not up for that. I've messed up my own life, I sure don;t want to mess up anyone else's life. I'd be messing up Nancy's life, first and she doesn't deserve that. I'd be messing up Braxton's life and he can't handle anymore. I have moved that kid around too much already. If I keep that up he is going to stage a mutiny and I could not blame him for that. Poor kid has had so many problems since his Dad has died and all I have done is add to them with my own. I have no business dumping on him the way I have. I give him too much credit sometimes and not enough at other times. I guess I really am the most messed up woman on the planet, huh? I definitly feel like it. There are plenty of days that I act like it too.

What a post. This one should get me committed. Ya' think?

Election Committee Has Gone Mad!

March 15, 2006
Don't Be Silenced!
The elites have become afraid of you. Whether they are in Washington, Moscow, Beijing, Paris or Sydney, the political and media elites are afraid you will eventually know too much and say too much. Which is why they are determined to control the Internet in whatever ways they can.
Tomorrow afternoon, the U.S. House will vote on the Online Freedom of Speech Act (H.R. 1606). We strongly urge a "yes" vote, as do organizations such as Gun Owners of America, National Taxpayers Union, National Right to Life Committee, Family Research Council, National Rifle Association, and American Conservative Union.
H.R. 1606 is needed because federal courts have ordered the Federal Election Commission to regulate "electioneering communications" on the Internet because of the Bipartisan Campaign Finance Reform Act (McCain-Feingold). If H.R. 1606 fails to become law, your Web site or blog could be shut down for the 30 days prior to a primary election and the 60 days prior to a general election should you express "electioneering communications." And any political e-mail you send during those times supporting or denouncing a candidate could also be disallowed.
So, grass-roots political activism will be silenced. But the media elite, such as The New York Times, won't be muzzled because they are exempt as members of the "official press." They will be allowed to continue writing editorials about various candidates, but you won't have approval from the State to say a word.
By the way, The New York Times has an editorial today urging a "no" vote on H.R. 1606.
The vote will be held tomorrow afternoon. Please urge your U.S. representative to vote "yes" on H.R. 1606.
Send Your Message
Kent Snyder
Posted on March 15, 2006 at 05:17 PM Permalink

The above post was taken from the blog of THE LIBERTY COMMITTEE. In my personal opinion, and I hope in yours as well, this is an OUTRAGE!!! First of all, it is a violation of our very basic freedoms. Has Senator McCain and this other yahoo, who's name escapes me at the moment because I am so upset, not read The First Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America?!? If 4th grade history class was correct in what it taught me, that First Amendment gave us all the Freedom of Speech! That means that as Americans we have the right to say, write, think, and sing whatever we damn well please, WHENEVER we damn well please and nobody can do a DAMN thing about it. SHUT DOWN OUR WEB and BLOG PAGES?!? I THINK NOT! Are we actually going to allow this?? I, for one, plan on writing my representatives in Washington and informing them that if they even think for one minute about supporting this rediculous garbage that they will not only NOT get my vote come next election but that I will do everything within my power to ACTIVELY see to it that they are not re-elected. Senator Dole and Senator Whatshis name are very good at ignoring me when I write to them, as they have done it several times already; a fact that I plan on reminding them when I write about this. But I will also tell them that if they choose to ignore me on this issue, I can promise them both that they will be extremely sorry because I do plan on making horrible, ugly noise over the vote to take away my basic rights of freedom of speech! It is utterly rediculous and if anyone of us stands for it, we are endorsing a communist state. Is that what we want? People, if we do not stand up and be heard on this one, then we just as soon lie down and let them have their way on all of it, because we have then lost the entire war.
Think about it.

Am I Giving Birth...

or am I experiencing just another one of my crazy hair-brained schemes that will never come to fruition, like so many others? I've had an ephany today. Well, actually, it was more like something that I have been telling myself for a long time has finally sunk in along with some things that Cindy has been preaching to me for the last several years and lately I have been thinking heavily about them and today they have finally taken hold. I started thinking hard earlier on one small idea and before I knew it that one small idea took hold and began to grow and grow and now I seem to be trying to give birth to "Office Angels" a business, naturally, but a combination business type thing where I would: A) either do office work here in my home office or I could arrange to go and perform this work at theirs and B) I will also do Office Makeovers or a "Clean Sweep" type service where I would go into their office and reorganize, set-up, re-style and completely organize an office.

This idea came about as I was thinking about doing typing in my home office for people. Then I started thinking about the guy that fixed out heat pump a couple of months ago. He never did send us a bill because he does all the service calls, all the billing and everything else. I was thinking that this guy MUST need some help and then I thought that their must be others like him. I figured that he probably does not have an office or if he does it is a home office and it is probably a mess. I'll bet he could use some organization in it and then he probably needs someone to go in and get things all caught up for him so that he can take over from things being current with a new system all set up for him. Then I bet he can use somebody to go in a couple of times a year just to make sure things are running smoothly and to do catch-up work for him. And all of this would come at a nice price to me. If it can't come at a cash price, it would have to come at a price just under what Uncle Sam allows me to make so it's a win win situation for both of us! And who in their right mind would NOT call a business named "Office Angels". I mean really. Anybody would, don't you think? So now I am downloading a new program to help me get started with this thing and then I am going to knock Cindy off her feet with this idea and see what she has to say about getting me pregnant with this thing!

I wonder if I can really, honestly pull it off. Cindy would tell me that I can do anything that I set my mind too. I would tell anyone else that of course they can do it. Can you just see me in five years sitting back making globs of money with people working FOR me?!? OH MY LORD! WOULD THAT NOT JUST BE THE ULTIMATE BOMB? My daughter might actually want to come and work for me? Wouldn't it be the weirdest thing in the whole world if I were actually able to support myself for the first time in my entire life, in my mid-fifties? I don't think anything stranger in the whole world has ever happened in this world ever before!!

Now, the thing to do is first: MOST IMPORTANTLY,

1. TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!
2. WORK SLOWLY, CAREFULLY & DILLIGENTLY
3. LAY OUT A PLAN & A SCHEDULE & FOLLOW IT DAILY
4. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME DISCOURAGED, LAZY, OR TO DEVIATE FROM MY PLAN IN ANY WAY.
5. SET A TIME TABLE THAT IS DO-ABLE AND STICK TO IT.
6. MAKE ONE PLAN & DO NOT CHANGE IT.
7. COVER ALL YOUR BASES.
8. RESEARCH, RESEARCH & THEN RESEARCH AGAIN!!!
9. COVER ALL YOUR BASES
10. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE CONSIDERED EVERYTHING!
11. RESEARCH EVERY ASPECT TWICE AND THEN DO IT ONCE MORE JUST TO MAKE SURE!
12. SAY THREE TIMES EVERY DAY WHILE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, "yOU ARE SMART ENOUGH, YOU ARE DETERMINDED ENOUGH, YOU CAN DO THIS."
13. FINALLY, PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY AND LAST BUT CERTAIBLY NOT LEAST....PRAY AGAIN!!

You know, if I were to somehow do all of the above listed things, it just might be possible that I could actually pull this business thing off. If Bud could be in business for himself I sure can. I mean people do this every day. Why NOT me? I am relatively smart. I can read, for crap's sake! I am not afraid of work. Look at the opportunity I could open up for myself? Look at what I could teach my child? Just imagine what I could do for myself AND for him if I could pull this off! Oh what a joy this would create for me. What joy this would bring into my life!

Cindy tells me that if there is something that you want or need badly that you must tell your Angels three times and that you must be very specific. OK Angels, here we go. "Angels, I need for this business idea of mine to get off the ground. I need to stay with it and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. I need to stay with this business idea and make it happen. Did you hear me my Angels? Please, Angels, help me with this. Help me to get this off the ground and get it going. And Bud if you are there and you are listening too, I know that you can help me and you know how determinded I can be. So come on, Honey. Come help me too. OKay. Please, I need you too.

Thank you to all of you. Thank you all for being with me. I am going to stand on that faith that Cindy keeps telling me about. I do have the faith. Y'all know I have the faith. So help me to believe more and help me to make this happen. I want Office Angels. I want Office Angels. I want Office Angels. I am going to be THE FIRST OFFICE ANGEL!!!!

Now I am excited. Now something is going to happen. I can just feel it. Like Cindy told me almost 4 years ago, "Watch me Soar!"

My Friend, Jimmy Gillenwater

DallasNews.com News for Dallas, Texas Obituaries

I really hope this is the right link that comes up. I am using the "Blog This" dealie on the Google bar and if it's put the wrong thing in I am going to be some ticked off. What is supposed to be here is the obituary for Jimmy Gillenwater. I still can't believe that Jimmy is gone. It's still like I am dreaming. When I woke up on Tuesday morning, one of the very few mornings that I slept late because I am always, always up by 6:00 AM if not earlier, but anyway, when I did finally wake up, Nancy was just walking into the bedroom and she had the strangest look on her face and she walked right over to the bed and sat down. I looked at her for a minute and then I said, "What's wrong?" And she just looked at me. Suddenly I got so scared. I could tell something was wrong. I wanted her to tell me, but then I didn't want her to because it was like I knew that when she told me, my life was never going to be the same again. You know that feeling, right? Finally, I looked at her again and I said, "Nancy, whats wrong? Is it my kids?" She shook her head no right away and then she said,"I have something to tell you, but I don't want to tell you because I know it's going to upset you really bad." I waited for a minute and then she said, "Jimmy died last night." Nothing registered. I went completely blank. I guess I must have had a blank look on my face as well because finally she said, "Cindy's Jimmy. Jimmy Gillenwater." I looked at her like she was completely nuts and I said, "NO! You gotta be kidding me. Whats the matter with you? Why are you telling me something like that?" And then all of a sudden I just remember screaming crying saying something like I didn't want my friend to hurt like that. And then a few minutes later I sat up and said again that it could not be true, that I had to talk to Cindy and find out why Nancy was playing this horrible joke on me. Nancy started telling me what had happened and I told her that I just didn't believe her because I had talked to Cindy just last night and had heard Jimmy in the background and he was making me laugh like he always does. She said that they had been watching tv, sitting on the couch and then he stood up to go to the bathroom and he looked at her and said, "Cindy, my heart just stopped." And he fell over. She called 911 and they worked on him for more than an hour but could not bring him back. She said he fought so hard. Now I don't remember if it was Nancy or Cindy who told me that part, but I was like in a state of shock. None of this was making sense to me. This was Tuesday morning and it's Friday night now...she buried him today. I just read his obituary in the Dallas Newspaper and for some strange reason I still don't believe it. I have tried to talk to her everyday and see if I can make it seem real to me, but it still doesn't. Even yesterday morning when she called me and was hysterical, crying telling me that she couldn't do it and the physical pain was so bad, I understood just what she was talking about, but I couldn;t believe that she was actually going thru it. I think I have got to see her. She told me that she wants me to wait until everybody has left and she is alone before I come and I can understand that. That is what she did for me and that is also when I needed her the most, but for me, I need to be with her now. I don't know how she waited like she did when I lost Bud. I mean I am happy that she did, but I don't know how she did it. I have called her a million times, e-mailed her a million more and have written her a letter that is sitting here and I already have a card ready to go in the mail and another one to write out and put in the mail on Monday. I am either nuts or obsessed.
I need to c & p this obit because it's not going to be here too long either. Let me do that.

James Patrick Gillenwater

GILLENWATER,, JAMES PATRICK Devoted, loving husband and father passed away February 27, 2006 He was born September 27, 1949 in Hillsboro, Oregon.. He was a Vietnam Veteran., He married Cynthia Robin Foil on June 27, 1981 in Portland, Oregon. At the time of his death he worked as a Sr. Systems Engineer for Ellacoya Networks. He was an accomplished musician. He was preceded in death by his mother Zella , sister Cathy and a son James. He is survived by his wife Cynthia of 24 years, Son Kent, Daughter Jennifer . 2 grandchildren Ryan, Emma. Siblings Terry, Randy , Everett, Greg , Orville, Joe, Diana, Marie, Becky, and Shelia . He Served the Lord, his country and his family with the utmost devotion, strength, and love. Memorial service will be held March 3, 2006 at Arlington Baptist Temple, 3434 South Collins, Arlington,TX. Viewing for family and friends will be begin at 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Service will start at 1 p.m. Followed by a Graveside service at 2:45 held at Dallas/Ft Worth National Cemetery.
It's a beautiful tribute to my friend. I know that Cindy made him so proud of her. But then she never stops amazing me. She has always amazed me and I just don't understand all the people whi have trouble getting along with her or understanding her. There is not a kinder or more gentle person alive, not since Jimmy died...not anymore. Cindy now is the kindest, most compassionate, most considerate human being on the planet. He used to be, but now she has to carry that torch.
She'll do it with grace and dignity, too.
OK Jimmy, where's my sign, Honey? I'm still looking for it, by the way. Cindy promised you were going to send me one today and I looked for a butterfly all day long. Was it something else and dummy me missed it? Don't tell me that you sent me some ashes that I missed somewhere along the way today! That would be just like you. You know you have to put things right out in the open for me! I'm going to give you another shot at it tomorrow when you are not quite so busy. You should have all your hello's done by then. But then you never could walk into a room and get on with it, now could you, so how can I expect you to enter Heaven and worry about sending me a sign way back here? I'm patient...most of the time, to a point, within reason. I'll give you another shot. Go say hi to my hubby and I'll talk to you again soon. You take care of business up there now, you hear me? I love you, my friend. And I promise you I'm going to take care of Cindy. I swear it.