Twisted Stitches

I finally broke down and called Arlene today. I have to do something about this anger that has been eating me up for the last three years and this seemed as good a place to start as any. I was able, finally, for the first time to get a lot of my feelings out once and for all. I told her how hurt I have been over feeling like I was kicked out of the family after Bud died. I told her how upset I have been because she was never there for me. She told me that a lot of what I have been feeling has been my own imagination...that it really wasn't that way. Then I reminded her how when Nark turned on me she seemed to follow suit. She said that she and Mark had many cross words over that, but I didn't know it. She realized that I had a point. Then I brought up the remark she made about when was she going to get the money because she needed a stove. I asked her if she knew what that did to me. She agreed that it was a horrible remark and that she was wrong. She also agreed that I have got to let all of this go, for my sake, not for anyone elses. She said that she feels bad that things are so hard for me. She said that she wants to bring Braxton and I there for Christmas and I told her not to bother with it. She insisted and now I guess we will see what happens.
Bottom line is that I want my family back and I told her that her daddy would be ashamed of each one of us. She said probably and I told her there was no probably about it, I am positive that he would be. I know what he wanted for Braxton and I and this is not it. I also let her know how unhappy I am. She seemed bothered by that. Who knows? I asked her if her mother had told her that I had called her and she said yes she did and was wondering what I was going to do. I told her I was going to do the only thing that I could do, stay here where I have a roof over my head. No one wants me, I made that clear to her. She said she did just couldn't take care of me. I don't want anyone taking care of me, but I would like to know that I am a part of a family and I would love to be near my family.
One day soon, I am going to have to make some decisions about my life. Decisions that are best for me and not what is best for somebody else. I care so much about what happens to Nancy, but I have to come first with me for once. I have to start thinking that way.
I wonder....how does one go about doing that?
At least I did make a step in the right direction as far as letting go of some of this anger. Lord, please lead me on to the next step.

Today's Thoughts

I'm hanging out on that "emotional roller coaster" once again. I don't know why it is I seem to like it here. And it's not that I really like it here, either. It's just that it seems like every time I turn around I find myself on the damn thing again. I just can't figure out why I can't seem to be content. That's what it is, too. I can't seem to find contentment. I'm fine for a little while but then I get the restless feeling. I start to miss my kids so badly. I don't feel like i am a part of anything. I have Nancy, yes. But she's all I have. Nancy has me. Nancy has her sisters. Nancy has her friends. I have Nancy. I have no one else. I guess in a nutshell I am jealous. Yeah, you could say that. When I get lonely, I have Nancy to talk to....if she happens to be awake. If not, then i am on my own. Oh well. That's just the way it is. Oh, she would tell me to wake her up. But for what? To sit and baby sit me? She would start to resent me after a while if I did that. I can't help thinking that she must get awfully tired of being my only entertainment. But she is. I am just so lonely if I tell the honest truth. And I want to get involved in something, but I am half afraid too. What if I do get involved in something and I find that I like it? Or what if I meet some friends and they take me away from here more? What if I find a life? I think I am afraid of that happening. As lonely as I am and as much as I want a life, I am afraid of it. That makes mo senes, does it?
Right now, this very minute, I am angry with Nancy for being in the bed all afternoon and night. I had a therapy appt. at 1:00 pm today. I left here at 12:30 and was back at about 2:15. When I got home she was in bed asleep. It is 10:30 pm now and she has not been awake yet. And there are MANY days that this happens too. And this has nothing to do with the fact that she is in pain. This is because she is drugging herself with valium because she does not want to be awake with me. Plain and simple. How else am I supposed to look at it? What else am I supposed to think? And why am I not supposed to be angry? When she wants to be awake, she can be. I know that when we go to the beach she is not going to sleep like that.
This beach thing is something else that has me bugged. I so do not want to go. We have to go to a dinner show thingy and I can't eat with my teeth in and so going out to eat in the LAST thing I want to be doing, especially with her entire family, but I am being forced into doing this. I am so not wanting to spend these three days with this whole family. Carolyn just makes me too uincomfortable. And she knows it, too. She says things that just get to me and she knows that , too. It's just little things, things that can be taken so innocently, yet I know she knows what she is doing. Small remarks just to let me know my place. Like tonight when she called to find out about Billy. Instead of asking if Nancy had heard any more about billy, she says, "I just wanted to know if Nancy had heard any more about our cousin." Just to let me know that I am not part of the family. She says things liek that all the time. Things that point out that I don't fit in. I already feel like enough of an outsider, I know my place! I don't need Carolyn to remind me that I am not one of them. And every time she calls and I answer the phone she never misses a chance to let me know. She makes some family reference each time. I just don't know if I can take three days in the same house with her. I guess I have to be honest and admit that I just don't like her any more than she likes me. And she has made it obvious that she does not like me. Nancy just cannot see it. I want to like her. I want her to like me. But she won't give me a chance. I have too many other problems, tho...I don't need to be worrying about this one right now. I still have two weeks before the beach.
I have no motovation. But then, that's been my complaint for months now. I don't know what the hell os the matter with me on that front. Menopause? Hormones? Overwhelmed because my house is alreadyu so dirty that I can't get to it? It's pretty bad, I'll tell ya. I started yet ANOTHER blog, called http://dirtyhouse.com just to vent my feelings about my filth. I was hoping that by writing about it I could shame myself into cleaning it. It's helping some. Just not the way I would like for it too. I'm homesick for my kids, but when I think about moving back to N.O. I know that I can't handle that. The thought of living back there makes me nervous. I know that there is no way that I could live that close to Faye and Barbara. That's pitiful, too. Because those two are the reasons that I can't live near my kids. That makes me angry, too. Doesn't matter, tho. Angry or not, I can't do any thing about it. I damn sure can't change it. Those two are going to make me miserable if I were to go back there. So....
Well, Nancy is up now, so I am going ot stop here.
See you again soon.
Bye!

Today

It's November 5th; Bud's birthday. Yeah, I thought about him a good bit today. I knew I would, I always do on his birthday. He would have been 66 today, or would he have been 67? Gee, you know I can't remember off the top if my head. Weird, I thought I would remember always. I guess not. I wonder what that means. I wonder if it means anything. Maybe it just means that I am getting old and can't remember anything anymore. Kristi called me today and I know that she was calling to see how I was and if I was thinking about hima nd crying over him, but neither of us mentioned him. As soon as she was sure that I was OK, she had to go. I didn;t want her to think that I was thinking about him, so I let on that I hadn't thought about him. I'll call her during the week and let her know that it was sweet of her to worry about me. She's a good daughter. Both my girls are.
I worry about how Kelle is doing. I don;t hear from hermuch and i miss her so much. I miss not hearing from her. And when I do she doesn;t talk to me anymore. I guess that's because she has Kristi. It is so hard being away from them! I hate it. Some days I wonder what I am doing wandering around in this big old world all alone. Now if Nancy read this she would get her feelings hurt and I don;t want to hurt her, and I don't mean that I am alone even with her. She has nothing to do with it, really. Oh, I don;t know. Forget it. I can't explain it. It doesn't make sense to me so I can't make it make sense to you. So forget it. I have other hurdles to jump at the moment.
Help me to get thru them, Lord. Help me to hang on.
And happy Birthday, Bud. I thought about you. I still miss you terrible. Yeah, it still hurts when I think about it. I still wish you were here and I still love you with all my heart. I just can't help it. I want to let you go, but I just can't. That's just the way it is right now. I really do wish you would leave me alone, tho.
Good night.