It's hard to tell which one it was that slapped me in the face tonight. Sometimes we tend to let our feelings take over and we're hurt and then after we think the situation through, which I still have not completely accomplished, we realize that it was really a blessing in disguise. I'm still not sure. Here's the story.
Years ago I took in a young woman who was in desperate need of help and during the time she was with me, we formed a bond and I came to love her as one of my own children. She's had a very hard life. The past twelve years have not gotten any better for her either. She's one of those people who, no matter how hard she tries, keeps making bad decisions. She's an unmarried mother of three. More than once I've tried to tell her that she needs to make better choices but she's one of those people who acts before she thinks. Thus, the three kids. She's had no guidance, her parents have turned their backs on her and refuse to help her. In all honesty, she is the way she is because of them. Affluent people who are more concerned with what people think instead of ignoring outsiders and doing the right thing. These people even claim to be those big Christians but in reality would not know what Jesus would do if He had written them a manual.
As I said, she's had a really hard time of it and it's lasted for twelve years. But no matter what has happened to her, no matter how hard things have gotten, she's always put her children first and done the best she could for them. Yes, she's been guilty of making some really bad decisions but, I believe that's because she honestly did not know any better. She is working very hard to better herself and to make a better life for her kids. She's going to school to be a nurse and vows to one day be able to give her kids the life they deserve. And when it comes to those kids, she has never shirked her responsibility. No matter how hard things have gotten, she's kept her kids together when many other women would have given them up. But that's not in her nature.
She called me earlier tonight and I know it was hard for her. She was in desperate need of help. Due to circumstances beyond her control, she's been living in a shelter with her kids and she's even made the best of it. She told me that the shelter had told her that she had to leave by tomorrow. It's not because of something she has done, but rather because of another resident who just does not like her and has manipulated things to make this young woman look bad. So, tomorrow the shelter is putting her in the street along with her three children. She needs a place to stay for about a month, possibly only two weeks. She asked me if she could come and stay here.
The problem is I am not living in my own home. I share someone else's home, so it was not my decision to make. But I went to my roommate, who normally has a heart of gold. After talking to her and asking her if I could allow this woman and her children to stay here she point blank told me no. Oh, she tried to get out of it gracefully so she wouldn't look like a complete jerk and came up with several reasons why she could not come. I even made it easy on her by telling her that I was wrong to even ask her. But I honestly believed in my heart that she would allow it. Didn't happen. I was devastated. It reduced me to tears. The last thing I wanted to do was to tell this woman, whom I have come to love as my own child, that I could not help her. But that's what I had to do. My feelings now are part anger and part hurt. I've been told in the eight years I have lived here that this is my home, too. But in reality it's not. And I realized that tonight when I didn't hear those words, "This is your home too." It broke my heart to have to tell this woman no, that she and her children were going to have to go to the street tomorrow. I'm really in shock that it turned out this was. I just never dreamed that my roommate would turn three kids out in the street. I've always known her to be the most caring person in the world. But not this time. And I am angry with her because of it. I can't stand the thought of them living in the street. It makes me angry that I can't help her. It makes me very angry. But here's the twist. Apparently my roommate heard me crying while I was telling this woman that she could not come here and that she (the roommate) was the heavy. Did she expect me to say that I didn't want her here? And now she is angry with me! Well, she seems angry with me. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I understand that it's an inconvenience to have other people in your house. I do get that. But when a person needs help, the right thing to do is to help them. My roommate has always said that when you do a good deed it comes back to you. Apparently, she does not really believe what she preaches. I am in shock. This is not the person I know. And I can't figure out her reasons for denying me this request. The excuses she gave me didn't hold water and I even think she knew that at the time.
Now, I can't sleep. I feel like I heel. I am worried about what she is going to do when tomorrow comes and she has to be out of this shelter and has no place to go. But the roommate? She's sleeping soundly and peacefully. WHO IS THIS WOMAN? How has she fooled me for either years?
So, is this a real hurt or in the end is it a blessing in disguise? I know that having 4 extra people in the house for a month would be hard but aren't we supposed to sacrifice for our fellow man? Isn't this the very thing that Jesus, Himself would want from us? The roommate is real big on saying what it is that Jesus wants from us. Apparently, talk is cheap. I can't help but think any other way. And at this moment I don't even want to talk to her. I am angry, I am hurt. And I don't know what to do with it.
I guess time will either heal or destroy this relationship. The only thing I can do at this point is wait and see what happens...with my almost child and with my roommate.
I just had to put this on paper. And later I can come back and answer that question, too. I know that I did what I thought was the right thing to do, without throwing a fit and making my roommate feel like a heel. I probably could have forced her into doing what I wanted, but that would have ended in disaster. I just pray that it's not this young woman who ends up in a disaster.
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