Sunday, After Thanksgiving 2006

Having all 4 of my kids together was the greatest thing that has happened for me since Rob's cleaned up his act. I have Kristi to thank for making this Thanksgiving perfect for me. She drove allthe way here, stopping to pick Kelle up along the way, footed the entire bill for everything while she was here, worked her butt off while she was here ans then drove back, taking Kelle back home as well. I enjoyed Jilly and Brett Jacob to the max, but especially Jill. Brett stayed pretty close to braxton the whole time he was here. Jilly was right with me, though, even helping in the kitlchen preparing dinner. She picked chicken off the bone, which amazed me the most that the job was not too gross for her. She washed dishes, doing a good job. She also learned how to use the potato peeler!
Kristi has done an awesome job with her kids. They were well behanved, well mannered and listened to what they were told. They did not argue nor did they fight among themselves, they were very loving toward one another. Kristi is very patient with them. She's a wonderful mom. I always knew she would be.
Kelle slept most of the time while she was here. The rest of the time she spent pretty close to Rob. Thos two....'nuff said.
Naturally, I cried when they left. I tried not too but there was no way I could help it. I was not near ready for them to leave. I have no idea when I will see them next. Each visit to me is seeming like it will be the last.
Being around them all reminds me what I am missing and how much I iave failed them all. I realize how useless I am, how miserable I am. I've turned into the very thing that I have always feared most; a life if sitting and stagnating, with no purpose; my daddy and Alan. I alway said that if I ever got like that for someone to please shoot me. I am them. I need Direction and Purpose. I need to be needed. I have allowed my disease to take over...again. I am becoming Arachnoiditis.

There is a huge lesson here--I just have to figure out what it is.

Tied of Life Sucking!

Living like this is getting very tiresome. No matter how hard we try each month, the money just willnot stretch from one check until the next. I am so tired of living broke that I cannot stand it any longer! There has got to be some way to make things work. I just don't know how. None of it seems very fair to me. I've been given this horrible disease by a freekin doctor, so I can't work. I've been made a widow and had everything taken from me by my husband's children. I have no home of my own, no car, no bank account and am expected to live on the pitance that the government says should be enough. I'd love to see any one of them try and raise a child on a thousand dollars a month. I dare any one of them to try it. OK so, I piss money away on cigarettes. My one vise, my one luxury. I don't go any place but to the doctor's office every three months. I have quit getting my haircut, I don't eat out. My pleasure comes from the internet, blogging and reading e-mails from my friends in my arach support group. I do not travel to see my children and grand children. I have no friends here. Basically, life pretty much sucks and for two weeks of every month I am scrapping pennies just to have a freekin cup of coffee! I've had it!
I have an Internet job that I know full well is going to screw up the few benefits that I do have, but what am I supposed to do? Trust me, this Internet gig does not pay a whole hell of a lot because I still can't make it from pay check to paycheck! The holidays are upon us and I don't know what the hell I amn going to do. I have a kid here who is expecting somethng under atree that I cannot afford to buy and I'm having trouble putting groceries on the damn table. But I am not supposed ot be angry either. I am 52 years old, broke and disabled and cannot take care of myself. Oh yeah, life is just toomuch fun for me. I am sick and tired of being angry and broke. I am sick and tired of hating life. I am sick and tired of feeling used and abused. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

My daughters are coming today and I don;t have anything to feed them once they get here. I have to rely on my kid to buy Thanksgiving dinner. This makes me feel so good, let me tell you. Wonder why life sucks? Wonder why I don;t want to get dressed or even get off my ass for that matter?