As My Journey Continues

I tried to post this on my AOL Hometown Journal "Inside Myself" and not surprisingly, once again, it would not take the post. I just don't get it with that blog. No doubt, when I return to it in several weeks the post will be there, safe and sound, but it's a chance I am not willing to take. So, I am going to paste it here, just in case.
Here it is:

It seems to me that as I enter this second half of the century of my life, my growth and change happens so much faster than it did all during the entire fifty years of the first half of this century of my life. To me, it seems as if everyday brings a new change or some new personal growth in my life. I would almost put myslef into that "baby" catagory where I could say about myself, "Oh, she is growing by leaps and bounds!" Because each new day I am growing more and more.

I think that a lot of that is because I am seeing Pat about my problems and confronting head on the things that are bothering me in my life...the things that I am either having trouble dealing with or not dealing with at all. It's high time I did deal with these things. Last week, just before I left her office she told me that this week we were going to talk about how I feel about the fact that my mother had to know that my daddy was raping Barbara for 7 years of her life. The answer to the question, "How do I feel about ti?" almost needs no answer...I mean it's pretty obvious, isn't it? I am replused by it. I am sickened by it. I am so disapointed in the fact that the woman that I have looked up to and loved so much my entire life has let me down in such a way that I will end up questioning so many things in my whole life from now on. It makes me mad as hell, plain and simple, is the answer to how I feel about it!

But I will work past that...that's the name of my game with Pat. And I'm winning that game and could not be happier about it, naturally. When I began working with Pat, Nancy asked me what she could do and I told her that the best thing she could do to be supportive was to make sure that I did not miss one of the appointments that I had scheduled. So far she has been keeping up her end of that batgain because I have not missed even one session with Pat. For that, I am so grateful to my Nancy. But then Nancy is so good to me...so much better than I probably deserve.

Each day is a new journey for me and each day I am working hard to make it all the way through to the end of it. I am dping it quite well, so far. Lord, please, help me to continue this faith walk I have going on each day. Give me the strength, Jesus to endure it and most of all,...

God, grant me the Serenity,
To accept the things I cannot Change,
The Courage to Change the Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
~Amen~

Haunting Memories

I don’t really want to write about this, but I know that I have to if I ever have any hope of getting past this. The “this” that I am talking about is so hard for me to say, but I am finally going to put it into words, for the first time. When I was a very young child, probably six years old, I remember being asleep in my bed and waking up and seeing my daddy’s face above me. He was either trying to or he had already had his penis inside of me--he was raping me. My father molested me when I was a child. I cannot remember if it happened only once or if it happened more than once. I only remember that one episode so maybe it did only happen that once. Maybe my reaction made him feel so awful that he just couldn’t do it to me again. I don’t know. Pat says that she highly doubts that it was only once that he violated me, because that’s just not the MO of a child molester. But I keep trying to remember and I just can’t. I only remember that one incident. But I know it did happen that one time. I am as sure of that as I am my name. I remember it like it was yesterday. It is that clear in my mind. I can even remember how badly it hurt. I remember him telling me to just wait a minute and it wouldn’t hurt anymore. But the pain never stopped.

I never could figure out why, the whole time I was growing up, I hated him so much. I used to think that it was because I remembered the fights he and Mama had when I was so young. But that wasn’t it. I know that now. Now I know why I always hated him so badly. Now I know why I used to wish he were dead. Now I know so much.

I want to get over the bouts of nervousness that I have when I am sometimes alone. It seems to happen when I am not thinking about “it.” Usually, when I am very busy I’ll start to feel like I am not inside if my body and I am looking down on myself. I’ll start to move very fast at whatever I am doing and I feel very shaky and nervous. My movements get faster and faster and no matter how much I talk to myself and tell myself that I am OK and that everything is alright, nothing seems to work. I end up having to go and wake Nancy up and get her to just hold me. Then I begin to calm down and soon I am alright again. I want those episodes to stop.

I wish this had never happened to me. I am so sorry that this happened to me. It is just something else that has screwed up my life. It is one more reason that I am the fucked up person that I have turned out to be. It’s no wonder that I have made so many bad choices in my life. It’s no wonder that so much has turned out so badly for me in my life. Look at all that has happened to me and happened in my life. Pat says I am a survivor. Yes, I guess I am a survivor, I have survived a lot. I remind myself of one of those old Timex watch commercials, “Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’” Yep. That would be me. I have taken so many beatings but still, I keep going. I mean, I saw my daddy hang himself, for God’s sake, had to beg my drunk mother to cut his sorry ass down, so he could beat her ass some more, no doubt, and still, I am here. Still I have some of my sanity. Well, that could be a matter of opinion, too. Maybe I’m as batty as a friggin’ loon, too. Who the hell knows, at this point? I sure don’t. Some days I think I am sane and then other days I know I am nutty as a fruit cake.

How can a person be molested as a child and then not know anything about it until she is 50 damn years old? How did I suppress this information for all those years? I have only been positive that this happened to me for the past several months and then I denied it for as long as I could before I finally nearly lost my mind and had to tell someone. So I went to Nancy with it. Like I do everything else. I am convinced that I would die without Nancy. Sometimes she can even make the nightmares stop. The nightmares are the worst part, you know. So many nights I sit up because I am so afraid to go to sleep because I know that he is going to invade my dreams. He has done it so many times. I now think he was the bear chasing me in those nightmares that I used to have as a child. I would be running and running as fast as I could away from this huge bear and I was always in our house. The chase would always end in the bathroom. I would wake up just before he caught me…every time. The reason I now think that it was him is because the dream always took place in whatever house we happened to be living in when I had the dream. He was always there.

Oh, how I hate him for what he has done to me. He’s been dead since 1989 and I really do hope that he is burning in hell.

Let's Make Judges Be Held Accountable

I'm sitting here watching Oprah's show today and like her, I am also mad as hell over what this country accepts when it comes to NOT protecting our children. Oprah says that we have to change the laws and demand that if a man is caught molesting a child the FIRST time then he needs to be sentenced to life in prison. We all know that this never happens and all too soon these sick perverts are let out to roam the streets and do it over and over again. She's told of men who have rap sheets miles long and of children who have been killed by men who have
been convicted over and over again. She asks the question, "Why are they not in prison?" The answer is as simple as the solution to the problem. It's the JUDGES that sit on the benches who allow these guys out of prison and then, when they kill again and agin they defend themselves by saying, "I had no idea of the seriousness of the problem." But then that judge is not held accountable. I say that the judges who allow the child molesters out of prison, especially before they finish out their sentences, SHOULD be held accountable and they themselves should be sentences to jail for ACCESSORY TO MURDER! If we would demand that the judges that allow these men out of jail be held accountable, then I guarantee you that no more would be allowed out before they have served their entire sentences. No more would we have the problem of child rape and murder running rampant the way it is. And unless and until people stand up and MAKE our lawmakers and our judges be held accountable for their irresponsible actions, it will not stop. Laws will never be changed. As much as we tell our Senators and Representatives to vote the way we tell them too, once they get to Washington, they do what they want. They vote whichever way their party wants them to vote. America has no say anymore. But if we will DEMAND that ALL people, no matter who they are, be held accountable, then and only then will we see change in this country and then our children will be protected.

Reprinted from "Read Reka's View"