Just Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed right now, with my life, with my house. OMG, this house is dirtier than it has ever been since I have lived here...and trust me, it's been pretty bad. But this mess beats all. I've never seen it where every room is such a disaster that it looks like a tornado blew up in it. And besides, just messy, it's downright dirty. Get down to the nitty gritty dirty, I mean. And I just do not have the strenght, the inclination, ir the motovation to do a damn thing about it. What is it with me? Why can't I seem to get with it? I get so tired of this same thing, day after day, and then it just gets worse, that I don;t know half the time weather to shit or go blind. Some days going blind sounds pretty goo to me, ya' know?

I really want to get my shit together and get busy and clean this house. I know it would make me feel better to sit back and look at it if things looked decently. I just don;t know why I can't seem to get moving on it. I think about it, God knows I talk about it, but I just can't seem to get the old body moving on it. Makes me nuts.

Now we find out that the hot water heater needs to be replaced to the tune of $650.00 Nice, huh? How are we supposed to manage that one? Life is just lovely some days, isn't it?

More Going's On

I've been at Kelle's for nearly a week and I had so much fun! I can't wait to go back. I came home early for two reasons, I didn't bring enough meds with me and I was going to run out and Braxton had a crisis; Ashley broke up with him, again. This is a regular occurance around here and one I am getting tired of, because of the way that he acts when it happens. It's like it is the end of the world. He walks around crying, he can't eat, or sleep and he wants to tll the entire world what has happened. He calls everyone he knows and pours it on. Oh my goodness, it is a terrible thing. Maybe I am just too old for teenage love. Maybe I just do not understand the workings of it anymore. Maybe it's been so long since I have been in love that I just don't know what it si about anymore. It very well be why I don't have the patience for it. I just pray that God gives me the strength to get through this part of raising him. It's been an up and down thing for me since Bud died. Some times we go along and things go well and then other times I worried about screwing up his life terribly. I don't like this parenting solo stuff at all. It's way too hard, knowing that someone else'e life is completely dependent on you. At least when Bud was around he had both of us to lean on and to come to. Now he has only me....to so it all and it is very scary.

I seem to always be at some sort of cross roads in my life. I always seem to be trying to decide what it is that I want, where I want to live, what I want to do. I'm thinking about Aiken again, I miss it. I miss my life there. But I also know that life there would not be the same and would I want that if I got it? Am I better off staying here where I know I have a dr and I know how things are, how life is, I mean. New orleans was such a disaster and I don't want another one of those. I can't live thorugh that again. I just want to be SETTLED and know that I am settled. I don't know why I can't be. I don't know why I can't feel like I belong anywhere. Will I ever feel that there is someplace that I belong? God, I hope so. If i could have any one thing in this whole world it would be to be where I know that I belong. Is that asking too much?

The Past comes Back

About a month or so ago Kelle gave me Christy's My Space address and I went to it. I also wrote her a short note telling her Metty Christmas and I also said that I didn't know if she even wanted to hear from me. It took her almost 3 week to answer me and in her letter she basically spilled her gus. She told me that all her life i had made her feel like she was in the way and an incinvence that I had to deal with once a year when she and Jon came to visit. She also told me that at her daddy's funeral I made her fell awful. Every bit of what she said came as a shock to me. But I sat and thought about her words and tried to see things from her point of view. I wrote her back and told her how sorry I was for the things that I did to her even though they were so unintentional. I never mean to hurt her. The truth is that I have always loved her so very much. I looked forward to her visits all the time. The truth is that I always felt not quite good enough in her eyes all thouse years and probably tried too hard with her.

Now the wonderful thing is that she answered me and told me how good it was to finally get all of that off of her chest and that she wants a relationship with me. She said that she was ina good place with me and Oh my God I can't tell you how good this feels.

We have written several letters back and forth and I am loving getting to know her and her family. She has a four year old boy, Cash!

The Life Lesson here is that I had no idea of the impact I had made in a childs life. I had no idea of the powr that I held in my hands. I needed to be so very careful with the impressions I made with her and with Jon. This is probably true in any relationship. You have to be so very careful of the impression that you leave.

From now on I will take extra care to be careful with the impression that I make on people in my life.

What Am I DOing?

OK here goes, About a week or so ago, I can't remember the exact date, but I got a letter from a guy on My Space. He seemed nice, said he was looking for someone to spend his life with, since he's been alone for 8 years. He seemed really nice so, not to be rude, I wrote him back. I told him very general stuff and was also honest and told him that I was not sure if I was looking for a relationship, that's not what I went on My Space for. Well, the letters continued and almost right away this guy let me know that he wanted a life with me, or at least to explore that possibility. He offered to buy me a laptop because I mentioned that my computer was acting up. Naturally, I would not let him, but I have a feeling that if I asked for anything he would give it to me. I have told him that I would like to meet in New Orleans to meet. I thought that I would want the protection of my children, ya know? Anyway, the weird turn of events is that I find myself thinking about this guy and actually wondering what a life with him would be like. If I compare it to what I have now, it's almost no contest, however at least I know what it is I have now, even though it's not the greatest situation. I don't really know what life would be like with William. I also worry about moving Braxton yet again! My God I have moved that child around so much, especially lately. Since Bud died we moved to the apartment, then to here, then to New Orleans, then back to here. And before we went to the apartment in Laplace, he was living all over the place, or should I say, from place to place, but never with me. OK so he is probably over what happened almost 6 years ago, but what about just last summer when we took off for New Orleans only to turn around four months later and return? I sure could not move him for a while, yet, for some reason I am feeling some urgency. Of course I KNOW that I have to wait and get to know this yahoo MUCH better before I take off half cocked and do yet another stupid thing. I think I just need to continue to write him and see if I can get to know him better and take it from there.
This could be the beginning of huge changes in my life. Yes, I have said that I wanted change, so I guess I am off on some wild journey. I wonder where it will take me.

One of Life's Lessons?

It's January 2nd, 2008. I've been whining about my life being so lonely and quiet for more years than I care to remember. This morning I got a note on my My Space page from some guy. He wants to be frineds. Do I? Part of me says yes and another part says no, I don't need the hassle. But don't I owe it to myself to see what might happen? ANd if I do, what do I say? I can't help but wonder if this could be an omen of some sort. Or is it asking for trouble? This could turn out to be one of Life's Lessons.