Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

You know how some days you reach a point where you have had all that you can handle and you just know that you can't handle any more? I have been piling so much stuff on my plate here lately that I do get so overwhelmed sometimes, I don't know which end is up some days. I also know that is my fault, too. But then there are times when I have to try and deal with another person deliberately pushing my buttons and sometimes I think this is because it must be fun to see just where my breaking point is. This is my breaking point. I have come to that place, where, I know that if I go any farther, I will most likely self destruct. And again, this will be one hundred percent MY fault. But what do you do when you find yourself int this position?

A Lesson Learned

I learned a valuable lesson earlier today and I'd like to pass along the benefit of my experience. Simply put, never ever try and offer advice to anyone, friend or otherwise, when your opinion has not been asked for. Even if you have been asked, don't ever try and get your point across in an e-mail either. People have a way of misinterpeting your meaning and then they become very defensice. When someone is definsive it's your feelings that end up being hurt. Have you ever heard the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished?" Let me tell you something: take this old saying as gospel. Whenever you try and help, it does not matter how pure your heart is or how unselfish your intention is; it is never ever taken that way. Whomever it is that you are trying to help, as soon as you say something that that person does not agree with, they take it like you are attacking them and their normal response is to strike back and try to hurt you. It is very understandable that when someone is hurt, they would try and retaliate. And it rarely matters how long you have known the person or again, what your intentions are. They never ever see it as your intention being pure. It is only taken by that person as a personal attack. And personal attacks hurt, even if you know that once they calm down and see things more clearly, they will probably apologize to you later. Note: I began this post back in June and although just about a month has passed, I find that my feelings on this matter have not changed, therefore it must be true. So now I will post this and hope that some of you can learn from the benefit of my experience.

Surprise! I'm Over 50

I was reading through the latest issue of AARP magazine last night and I think it finally hit me that I am over 50. Hell, I've been over 50 for more than a year now, so this should have hit me lomg before now. Fifty is nothing at all like I thought it was going to be. It's also not what I had planned for myself once I reached this age.

Years ago, when my children were small, I remember thinking that when I reached the ripe old age of 50 the world would be comfortable into the 21st century. That was hard for me to imagine way back then; but here we are. It's the 21st century, I am in my 50's so now what? I had figured that by this time in my life my financial struggles would be behind me, but in reality my financial troubles are all too real. Besides having to struggle on Social Security Disibility, I am living far away fromt he grandchildren that I was so positive would bring me constant joy. You cannot experience constant joy from 1200 miles away. I rarely see my grandchilren, The last time, in fact, was two years ago and that causes me so much pain. I have also not been able to see my children in that amount of time either. Oh, so different from what I had planned. I honestly thought that by this time in my life I would be cooking huge Sunday dinners and having the grandkids visit me enough times that I would be complaining about the mess they left. As it is now, I would give my right arm to be in the position to complain about this very fact. I really am very tired of not being able to see my kids and grandkids at whim.

At this time in my life I wanted to be cooking large dinners evry Sunday. Instead I am eating tv dinners alone or sometimes not eating at all. Braxton (my 14 year old) spends as much time in his bedroom as he can manage, although I practically beg him to sit with me and share a meal. It's just more fun in his room in front of the tv. Yeah, for him I guess it is.

So many people have just quit trying to contact me. I never hear from anyone in my husband's family anymore. I guess as far as they are concerned, I am dead also. Even his ex wife, ...yeah, she and I were great friends while he was alive, but since I moved to North Carolina, she doesn't call either. No, thats' not quite right. She and I did communicate and then I called her once and asked if Braxton and I could come and live with her. I wasn't upset at all when she told me no. In fact, I almost expected it, but ever since then it's like she does not want to talk to me either. I understand why Mark and Arlene don't talk to me. I didn;t understand it when Christy and JOn wrote me off, but I figured it was because they listened to Mark. But geeze, those are kids that I was step mother too for more than 16 years! You'd think I meant something to them. But I guess not. Oh well. I just get lonely and nostalgic sometimes. But hey, I have my friend Nancy in my life, I have Cheryl that is so good about calling me nearly every week and then there is Cindy who, although she tries to tell me how to live, and gets weird sometimes, I love her and she says she loves me. Even though I know that she feels let down by me. I tried hard not to let her down, but things happen I guess.

I just miss the kids so much. I miss not getting to see the grandkids grow up. SOme days I wish I would have thought things thru more or better. But I didn't. I made this bed, I have to live in this bed. It is hard tho. Some days I can barely keep from crying all day long. It's hard to live so poorly, it's hard to continually have to tell Braxton no and it's so hard to sit day after day at this computer tring to make a buck. I have all kinds of uplifting sayings all around me to try and keep me positive and I try and tell everyone that I am okay....but inside, I am falling apart. Inside, I hate living. Inside, I am angry at Bud for messing up my life so badly by dying and leaving me all alone. Inside,inside....inside it hurts so badly. Inside I am completely miserable. I shold send this post to Buds children., They would be so happy and so full of satisfaction to know that I am so miserable and that I do hurt so badly. They set out to make sure of it, I'd really like to let all 4 of them know that they got what they were after. I hope it brings all of them some sort of satisfaction to know that I am so lost, lonely and miserable. I guess it wasn't enough for them that the love of my life had died and left me alone. They had to make sure that I lost everything else too. Well, it happened. They made it happen. I hope they are all pleased.

I'm in pretty bad shape right now so I need to end this post and go wash the dishes.

Learning As I Go

....and boy am I learning a lot of different things! Not only have I learned, or am I learning how to run this buxiness that I have going on, but I am also learing about people and how rude, and wishey washey they are. I have had so many people promise to call me back and then I never hear from them again. I just don't get that, either. What is so hard about telling a person, "No thank you, I am not interested." Instead of telling them that you are going ot call them back and sign up and all that garbage, when they know damn good and well that they are not going to call you. TOnight I got screwed because I was being nice to this bitch! GRRRR that's what really ticks me off to the max! I could have had the bitch signed and sealed, but here I was like a dumb ass worried about her being uncomfortable so I offered to let her get home and then call me back. I am not the idiot who told her to leave home in the middle of the presentation in the first place! I swear, I am really ticked off at this person. What a RUDE bitch she is and I have half a mind to tell her how much she has ticked me off. But whats bothering me so much right now is that I am THIS angry! I guess maybe it's because I have had it happen to me so damn many times! It pisses me off to the max when somebody sasys they are going to call me back and then I never hear a frigging word from them. I swear, I am going ot tell the next person who says that they are going to call me back, that I know they are a bald faced liar! I wonder how that will make them feel? I don't give a rats ass how it makes them feel. I am pissed and for good reason.

GRRRRRRRR If thios woman were to call me right now I am afraid that I would lose her because I would tell her off about what a rude bitch she is to have left me hanging like this. I have half a mind to call her and leave a message on her recorder about how rude she is. I had better shut this computer dowm for tonight.

Good night!@

Four Years and Counting

This post today is on the 4th anniversary of my sweet Bud's leaving me for Heaven. Yes, I still miss him everyday and still if I had my way, he would be with me. But since I can't and since he is not with me, in body, I am going to direct the rest of this post to him. Forgive me for ignoring the rest of you, this one time.

My dear Bud,
I miss you, Sweetheart. Every day I miss you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. But I want for you to know that I am okay. I am getting better with each passing year, although I still wish that we were together. You didn't give me those fifty years you promised me, you know. I'm going to be homest with you and tell you that there have been lots of times in the past four years that i have been very angry with you for leaving me and for the shape that you left me in. I know that you did not do it on purpose and if you had had any idea that your children would have done such terrible things to me, you would have made sure that Braxton and I were protected. I know you would. I also know that there is no way that you could believe that as soon as you closed you eyes that your children would have done everything within their power to hurt me. I know that you counted on Arlene and Mark to take care of us. I also know that you certainly never expected Arlene to turn her back on me after every thing the two of us ment to one another. But my sweet, I tried to tellyou, didn't I? Didn't I tell you that things woudl turn out just the way that they have? I have to tell you though, in all honesty, the lengths that they went to even surprised me. But what is done is done and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have lost them all though and for that I am so very sorry. I know that toward the end, in the last couple of years I didn't try very hard with Arlene, but I just didn't have it in me. The hurt was too great. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I want you to know that I never wanted things to turn out the way that they have either. But, like I said, it is done and there is no use dwelling on it. I have Braxton and I want to tell you about him.

You would be so proud of him, Baby. He is growing up into a fine young man. A lazy one, but he is a good boy other than that. He is trying hard in school. Ok so he could be trying harder but his grades are not that bad....well, other than English. I've got him in a private school, its a Christian school and he is doing well really. He is in a good environment and I know that is important to you. I have tried very hard in the last four years to make you proud of me. I hope that you are.

I guess you were there waiting for your sister when she joined you. Hug her for me and tell her that I miss her. I miss her a lot too. I haven't been very good about keeping in touch with your other sisters either. In the beginning i was, but I have allowed that to fall off. I'm sorry. I do need to be intouch with Sissy anyway.

I'll bet you were surprised when James joined you too. It's hard knowing that he and Larry are gone. I miss Larry a lot as well. You know that Margie quit having anyhting to do with me too. But you and I both know that was no big loss. Margie was upset from the day I met Nancy. Sweetie, you know that I am in a good place with Nancy, don't you? She and I are good for one another and you need to understand that. I pray that you do. So many people don't and they want to write more into it than it really is, but what they think does not bother me, you knwo that. But you have to knwo that she and I need one another and I actually feel like it was you who opened those doors for me.

Some days I can feel you with me but other days you seem so far away. I don't ever want you to be far away from me. I need to feel that you are close and can reach out and touch me when you want.

Jimmy has been busy coming to Cindy in her dreams. Won't you please talk to Jimmy and find out how that is done and come and talk to me some night? Please. It would make sleeping so much nicer if I knew that you would come to me. Jimmy has been so busy comforting Cindy. Ask him, please.

Continue to watch over us, Sweetheart. I know that you are. I will continue to make you proud and I also need you to promise me that you will help me with this business I am trying. I know that you have seen how hard it is to make it on this pitiful Social Security Braxton and I receive. You were wrong about that too, weren't you? You were wrong about a lot of things. But I lvoe you. I have never stopped loving you and missing you, even when I was angry with you.

Keep sending me the strength that I need to put one foot in front of the other each day. Help me to raise this child into a responsible adult so that one day he won't need me and i can come and join you. I don't want to have to wait forever. But a while longer here would be nice. I don't want to leave just yet. I still have work to do.

I lvoe you. And I thank you for all the years that we did have. YOu made them the happiest that I have ever had. I want you to know that and also that no one could ever take your place. I will always love you my sweet. I will always miss you too. You really have been the love of my life and always will be.

Forever........
Me