Kelle and I have been talking a lot lately about she and Raymond getting married. I know this is something that has been coming and I have been thinking about my baby's wedding for so many years. This was always the one that I was going to do right. From the time she was a very little girl I had a vision of her in white lace, with her long blonde hair in curls framing her beautiful face. I saw her wearing a veil of lace that I made for her. She was going to walk down a long beautifully decorated asile on the arm of the only an she has ever known as a Daddy, and that would have been Bud, had he lived. I would have been sitting in the front pew of the church, waiting for Bud to give her away, while Kenny and Verna sat behind me (finally, where they belonged). I pictured Kristi as her Marton of Honor, while Charidy and Jessica stood in attendence. Braxton and Robbie would have also been in the wedding party, while Jilly and Emily were flower girls. The reception would have been a great party with Kelle sharing the first dance with her father with Bud and then giving a few minutes toward the end of the song to Kenny. Bud and I would have helped to send the kids on a grand honeymoon and after they returned, they would have settled into married life as happy as any two people could have possibly been.
It will not happen anything like that now. She told me on the phone just this past week that they want to go to Las Vegas to get married and wondered if I would have a large fit. Naturally, my first reaction was to have tha rather large fit, but thankfully, I did think before I opened my mouth and had the good sense to tell her that this was HER wedding, not mine and that it should be done the way she wanted it done. If she wanted to go to Vegas then I felt that's what she should do. And even though it killed me to say that, I think I understand her reasons for feeling the way that she does. Remember, this is all MY opinion....nothing more. But I have arrived at this opinion by listening to her for years and also knowing how she feels about her sperm donor. And yes, to her that is what Kenny is. She says he is too busy with his "real family."
I believe that Kelle wants to have her wedding in Vegas away from family to get out of the family hassle. She does not want Kenny to walk her down any asile and definitly does not think he deserves the right to be giving her away. She also knows how I feel about sharing the front row with Verna and she has managed to push her way onto that space at each one of my child's weddings. Kristi's was the worst when Kristi GAVE Verna my seat. After 8 years I am still not over that hurt. Kelle has never felt that Kenny has ever had time for her, and she does not feel like she is his real daughter. It is easier for her to ignore all the problems and just run away and do it. I think she will tell him after it's done.
I tried telling Kristi this but naturally Kristi does not want to talk about anything unpleasent concerning her father with me, although I feel like that with her father, the rules are different. I saw that because all ofer her house she has pictures of Kenny and Verna, Kenny and the kids, Verna and the kids, but none of Bud and I, or the kids and I or even Bud and the kids. But when I started to tell Kristi why Kelle didn't want to have a family wedding she asked that we change the subject. I can't help but wonder how many times she tells Kenny or Verna to change the subject. And I also worry about me and why I can't seem to get over this. How long am I going to hang on to this hurt? Although for me, it really does not matter, what matters most is my child and how she feels. I know she is so hurt because she's lost her Dad. Losing Bud has been so hard on both Kellle and Braxton, not to mention me. But somehiw, by hanging on to oneanother and by the grace of God, we are going to be just fine. I am as sure o this as I am of the fact that God exists.
